Coming home with myself

Feb'2019 had been mixture of pain, nightmares and... opportunity to explore myself about something had been with me for decades. In between nightmares I had pleasant sweet dreams with me being woman and living with another woman and few children and dog in our house on shoreline. And in daytime it had been all depressive squirrel-in-a-wheel life of 50+ technology consultant AMAB, with all possible strings attached.

I had crossed several Rubicons in my life before that, but memories from distant past gradually awoken in me and all that course from Feb'19 till today do not leave my mind. I have recalled very first feelings from few years old era, when simple fragrance awoken in me some unclear feelings, and those feelings stuck in me while I did not realize it.

Later on in puberty era, it had been exploring "the other side" - found DIY sewing book on my mom's bookshelf and suddenly my mind decided to make set of underwear. There had been nothing in my environment which could provoke it - cultural, civil and family structures had been all built on Righteous Majority (tm) rules and anything deviating would be oppressed on the spot. Yet, I managed to take needle and make own female underwear from used cloth, which fit me perfectly. Only bulge slightly disappointed me but I learnt quickly how to tuck it. I even made walk across town with the underwear hidden under my teenager's boy-mode shirt-n-jeans.

Gradually, I had to adjust myself towards "social norms" but it couldn't go simple - before getting into plain vanilla life path, I managed to cross poly life in early years of adulthood for year or so. And then there has been few decades of living traditional life within "norms of society" as we know them. Although in last several years, when I faced yet another change in my life and stress went up, my "normality" had been oscillating and sleep/dream time became a place where my mind started to go off beaten path.

Long story short, almost 2 years ago, the seed of another side in me has awoken again and doesn't want to go away anymore. I made myself new name and... I like it. When my sleep cycle was broken, I had been going to WC and taking measures for bra. And went through several psychological questionnaires (of various quality) only to confirm that I think and act often rather as woman. After finding here on Reddit few guides for pre-transition soft steps I did all of those viable and it made me feel confirmed on my feelings.

There are other factors in my life, which keep me from taking jump now. One of them - I do not feel dysphoria as others describe it. It is natural for me to stay in male body, maybe I got used to it too deep. But if tomorrow I would woke up in female body, even in my 50+ age, I won't feel any distress or shock. Through last 2 years I had thought what it is and it feels like ideally I would swing as pendulum between male and female bodies, "staying" for few years in each state. But that's beyond modern science and belongs to sci-fi. So for now I feel myself non-binary or gender-fluid and sometimes I feel I'd like to transition and don't return anymore. Here at r/TransLater I feel home.