Hey Baddies,
For context - Dan came back to try again with me, abandoned ship again, came back again, abandoned again, came back on board a third time and then abandoned a final time leaving me worse off than round 1 (8 months ago). I took him back with an open heart each time and each time he fumbled. Fool me 4 times, shame on me.
There's a shame demon and a guilt demon that live on each of my shoulders, taking up realestate reserved for at least one angel. They tell me I shouldn't be sad or mad because I have to be grateful and find silver linings. I have to shout at myself in the mirror that my feelings are valid and I am allowed to sit in the pain and discomfort as long as I need to process it. I still hear the whispers of these demons telling me that it's all my fault and I don't deserve to still feel sad, I'm taking up too much space. But I know what happens when you push the feelings down and cement over them with toxic positivity - cracks start to form and the inevitable blast radius does not discriminate, it just decimates whoever is closest. I am tired of picking shrapnel from my flesh - an unfit punishment for trying to love broken men. I'm tired of cutting slack - I have cut so much slack that I've fallen to my death. I'm tired of taking chances, I'm not a gambling woman, I never have been - just ask my Monopoly partners - I prefer to Community Chest over Chance every time. Chances are for people with more privilege than me. I have enough privilege that the game is still rigged in my favour, but it's only enough privilege to be considered and cautious because one bad chance card can derail my whole life. I don't have a backup plan, a fallback plan, a net to catch me. Yet I've placed my future willingly in hands that promised to hold mine for every step of the way. I've been promised so much. This is where the demons come in,
"You're stupid, you gave too many chances, how did you not see? How could you take this risk? No one will have any empathy left for you because they all could see it but you chose to believe him over and over, you're tragic, pathetic, dumb, you don't deserve more support."
Sure, some friends reached their capacity for support and that's fine (ish) I could learn a thing or two from them I'm sure, and one day I hope to repay them the favour. Sometimes my capacity to support my friends feels endless but I think it's more like putting $5 in the fuel tank every couple of days so I can get a little more compassion combustion to get me through.
But those other friends, that continue to support me... They're my privilege in the pain. I wanted to write, "I chose to be vulnerable with them" but I didn't have a choice. Dan obliterated any charade I had left. He decimated my coping mechanisms. I am humourless about this. I am shieldless and raw. I could say I was open, however that still implies a choice. I'm not open like a door I'm open like a bear tearing shreds of flesh from my body while it stands on my chest instead of mercifully killing me.
It's increasingly hard to wallow because it seems the further I step into the darkness, the brighter my friends shine for me, and I have to remember that I created these connections, I collected these people, they've known me for a long time and they've known me from all angles and they choose to stick around, to show up and to love me.. So if I have to audit my day, I must acknowledge my privilege. I cannot remember who I am without this pain, but everywhere I turn, I am reminded, and for that I am truly grateful.
So I return from the USA remorseful and exhausted. Please be gentle with my heart.
Stay hydrated and block your ex,
Eve