I want to start by letting you know that I am very guilty of not following my own advice.

Hello, my name is Jen, and I am the Default Caregiver of my children. When they were small, this just made sense. As they grew older, I made household choices around how to best prioritize and support the kids. That pattern continued until one day I realized my personhood... my personality... my hobbies and interests... were all entangled into being Mom. I love my kids. And I missed Me.

Unpaid Caregiving is not a full-time job. It's a 24/7, on-call marathon, executed in unpredictable conditions, without a map. Adventure! It is too much for one person. It is too much for two people. And depending on the "village" it may be too much for all of them, too. A caregiver is only as effective as the depth of their community support.

After a heavy holiday I wanted my early January birthday to set a boundary around that December Funk and set a joyful intention for 2023. I asked a few close friends to rally around me to help celebrate my birthday. In order to attend gatherings and spend time with loving people, I had to ask the kid's father to keep them for the full week, instead of our previous routine of splitting the time in half. I had to set a few uncomfortable boundaries about my time that felt harsh. I had to invite, and then accept care from people that love me.

And they did it. They showered me with so many manifestations of love and care.

My people showed up. They invited me to intimate parties. They showed up through the week. They catered my party with all my favorite snacks. They made me a personalized playlist. They made sure my private dance floor was never empty. They volunteered as backup childcare to ease my mind. Then they did the dishes after. So many gifts. I am so loved. I am remembering Me.

It's been a long time since I was able to so fully detach myself from the responsibility of being the Mom. I needed it. More than I even realized.

Now that I'm back from my Parental Sabbatical, I have been wondering more about what a sustainable system of care could really be. How do we build reliable support into growing families? Is it possible to commit to a framework of caring for caregivers before they burnout? The recovery of self is not something I'll be able to do in one week, but can we encourage the retention of self with preemptive support?

Caregivers are Whole Ass People. Most adults can consider the needs of others above their own for a time, but we need to quit romanticizing martyrdom.

Capitalism tries to solve all the problems of the family in the same way it hopes to balance a budget and increase profits; a system built on scarcity and extraction.

We can build a better framework for care. We deserve it. Just like wage-laborers should not be expected to sacrifice their health, well being, and personhood at the Alter of Increased Productivity, parenting should not be a method of squeezing the soul from caregivers. We're trying to raise humans, not quarterly sales quotas. Part of guiding our children needs to involve modeling the potential of an adulthood we don't want to escape. We need a family life built from a foundation of joyful interdependence instead of rugged individualism.

Maybe this means we all need to commit to doing less. Maybe that means calling more people in to support us. Maybe it all starts with remembering how fun it is dancing in fancy outfits, making time for dear friends, and the exhilarating rebelliousness of only being in charge of my own goddamn bedtime.

In so much gratitude.

-Jen

Don’t Hesitate

BY MARY OLIVER

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case.
Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.