In my previous post I wrote about my first taste of freedom, which certainly marked the first season of my life up to the age of 7 yrs. From 5 yrs old the clouds were starting to gather and indicate a different season emerging, one that did not feel like summer of playful discovery, self expression and adventure.
It is very hard for a kid to feel such joy only to have cold water poured all over. I saw nothing wrong with playing football and the idea of it being a purely male gender sport did not even cross my mind. I was certainly not out to make a statement about girls and boys. It was far more innocent than that.
I simply loved expressing a natural gift and talent, and ironically my male peers embraced this in me likewise, and included me in their games at school break times, without jealousy or judgment. It was refreshing.
I felt rejected when my father took the opposite view and curtailed this bit by bit to bring me into like with the more stereotypical version of an Indian female, who needed to be more subservient, work hard, wear dresses, do girl activities, whatever that meant, and cook in the kitchen.
I tried to compromise but ended up constantly deflated. Its not easy for a child who does not seem to fit into the norm and then has to deal with the rejection. Added to that I had no positive coping mechanism or maturity to deal with this, and so bit by bit I descended into inner conflicts I could not resolve.
Many more adversities were to start to play out, and I had no answer for them either. The season was changing. It was a sad and lonely time. It was so lovely to be accepted for who I was in school. Home was a different world.
School and home felt like two different seasons. I felt connected to life and joy at school. I felt disconnected and robbed of life and joy at home. I felt like I was losing my footing in life. This is another theme in Breaking Free and its roadmap.
Thankfully I went on to resolve those conflicts but for many adults, they remain stuck. Can you relate? What keeps you connected with life and enables you to feel alive, and how well have you maintained that connection? Do you feel free to be you or are you consumed by the need to fit in?
Till the next post..many blessings
Anita