Apr 27, 2021
6 mins read
I realized about 75% of the people in my life on and offline (regardless of the nature and degree of our relationship) are not ready to hear my story and the ugly truths I have to say.
And because I can't help but love and care too much, I will "unfriend" them.
Let me give you a bit of background: I received my architecture license in 2015 at the age of 22. Around the same time, I started to feel the aching of this world much more. I started to see more of the evil nature of mankind in different forms. I have always been curious about the depth of life, even as a child. But at this point of the story, I felt even more sensitive about human existence. About life and death.
I saw the ugly truth and I knew then that I want to make a difference. A good difference.
All this was happening at the same time when I was trying to figure out my place in this world as a newly licensed professional. And because timing can sometimes be such a b!tch, my Bipolar symptoms started manifesting at the same time. And in the span of 3 years from mild and functioning depression I started to experience severe episodes of both depression and hypomania (a "friendlier" version of mania. I have never experienced full-blown mania, until now. Maybe a few auditory hallucinations due to potent psychoactive medications, but never psychosis.) From seemingly normal changing moods: "normal feelings of low" and "normal feelings of high" it became a monster. A rapid-cycling Bipolar Disorder with severe symptoms that manifest psychologically and physically. I didn't only feel the pain in my head I feel them all over my body. I have also been living by myself since then.
Bipolar is a neurobiological disorder. It is a mental illness as valid (but can even be more dangerous) as any physical illness. In most simplified words, the brain has a problem and so it is manifesting certain symptoms. The same principle as any common illness. For example, asthma, an inflammatory disease of the airways to the lungs that among other symptoms, makes breathing difficult. Another example is diabetes, a disease that occurs when your blood glucose, also called blood sugar, is too high. And among many symptoms it can cause slow-healing sores. These two very common diseases that cause illness are serious and can be fatal if not well treated and managed. It's exactly the same thing as Bipolar. And as far as the common psychiatric practice is concerned, it cannot be cured only treated. Pretty much like asthma and diabetes. And likewise can be fatal.
Bipolar, like most mental disorders, is not only hard to manage, but also extremely hard to explain to anyone especially those who have not experienced any similar struggles with psychiatric illness. It's also hard to make sense out of it. How can a very bubbly and smart girl suddenly cannot talk simple words or comprehend simple things? How can a very active and energetic girl suddenly cannot manage to even get up and eat? How can a happy and passionate girl suddenly cannot see the will to live for another day? It's hard to understand, right? But just try to imagine how hard it is when you are actually the one going through it, not only when the episodes happen but every single waking moment of your life. Ever since I got ill, I had to fight this nagging and loud thought every night: "I wish I'd never been born at all."
If you're still reading this, probably you get the point (or at least some of it). Now, when I say that every single thing that I do with my conscious and best state of mind --and I mean Every-Single-Thing-- is a way for me to build a certain Hope and to hold on to it. Every endeavor I pursue, every conversation I do, every silly social media post I make, all have noble purposes. But at the same time, all of them have one selfish reason: To have the courage to choose Life every single night Death comes knocking at my door, extending her warm and comforting hands.
Everything I do, I do to stay. My life depends on it. You don't have to understand that. You don't have to agree. But you don't have to be mad too. You can simply just leave it be. You also have your own, equally important battles for sure. And I truly wish you luck. But in my fight to stay here, I realized that the most effective way for me is to go after the things that are worthwhile. Things that are not materials (except for hot coffee and good books) or the things with values not only measured by money. I mean things that might make the life of the next generation better. Things that might give people opportunity to grow and become the best versions of themselves. Things that might also extend another person's life.
Going after these worthwhile things is the prize itself. But it comes with a big price. It will cost you relationships that do not serve your noble purposes (and selfish reason). Pursuing worthwhile things means you have to learn to walk with legs with muscles of grit. You have to sharpen your mind until it is as sharp as an iron sword. You have to find wells overflowing with kindness and love and only drink from there. You have to have courage to speak your truth and to wear your heart on your sleeves. You have to speak with a voice that echoes to the hearts. You have to speak your truth and be unapologetic with every word.
But you have to be ready to pay the price. You will be opposed, hated, rejected, abandoned, and even persecuted. You will lose many more people than you can ever imagine. You will cry heavy tears more than your eyes can carry. Your heart will break again and again. And you have to learn to put the pieces back together by yourself.
My wings were clipped by the people who care. Because they were too afraid to see me fall if I fly too high. But now, I broke free from the clips. And I swear I will never be tethered again. I will fly high. High oh, very high. And Fvck it, should I fall.
Because from this moment I'm sure, I have lived.
This is just the beginning of more raw stories and unpleasant truths. I know the majority of the people in my life and on my FB "friends list" are not into deep shi!s like this. And I have no intention whatsoever to burst your happy bubbles and send you some unpleasant vibes. So for the next 4 days, I will be "unfriending" people on my "friends list" who (based on evidence) are not really into my unapologetic stories or worse, may just find them as bad vibes. I am doing it because I can't help but love and care too much. I want to share my truth but I also don't want to hurt people. So I will give you the choice. Unfriend me now, please. If you say you can manage to read stuff as raw as this, then tell me in any way. Leave a reaction, a comment or PM me. So that I would know. If you find yourself "unfriended" it's for the better. I am not burning bridges. Maybe someday, we can reconnect again when the time is right.
I wish you luck and light in life! ✨✨✨✨✨✨
This story was originally posted on FB: https://www.facebook.com/nacabales/posts/1206062883141384