Nov 22, 2022
4 mins read
It's been a pretty tough weekend. For those who might not be aware, I made appearances multiple times a week on my friend's YouTube - Fat Ninja Game Talk Radio. But the history of that goes back a decade when I first started doing more audio/video content, Daryl was one of the people who encouraged me to keep going, and to not have to hold back, nor filter myself - to be unapologetically me, for better or for worse - I'm not the content creator I am today if not for his encouragement back then. Sadly, FatNinja passed away this weekend. Details are still unknown as to how he passed, but the point is he did, and I lost a friend. It's been difficult. I don't process death too well. With the help of the other friends that also knew him and worked on the show I feel a bit more at peace than I did over the weekend. We had a farewell to our friend Fat Ninja show which is located here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvCt4blcVdM - but I feel my long time friend is always with us, those who knew him. I hope he's still watching my content in the next world - he always used to laugh or make a comment, or let me know he enjoyed what I put together. He was genuine, and that's rarer and rarer in this world that looks more and more like a Den of Thieves by the day with the societal collapse we often see. His sense of humor, his support, and his counsel will all be missed.
I have some content I want to do, but again the switching of gears in the face of the passing of a friend can be difficult at times, not to mention Thanksgiving is a very hectic and chaotic time. In my youth I was more a fan of the holidays. As I am older, I don't want to be a Scrooge but shorter days, more traffic, a million things to get done and not a lot of time to do it - it can be intense. Also I have to do some cleaning. This is going to sound very strange to some people but I can't produce content if things aren't clean around me. I am meticulous about certain things. I guess I'm more like my father than I realize. I'm in the middle of a ton of laundry, errands to handle and by the time that's all done, I probably will have lost my buzz for anything - which is a shame, I both want to do some new video content and get on Final Fantasy XIV tonight for some gaming. Gaming is how I wind down when shit is tough, and believe me, shit is tough right now.
My birthday is Sunday, and it certainly doesn't feel like one. At some point they stop being things to be excited about and become "oh God, oh fuck, please not another one." I'll be 42. In some ways, admittedly that terrifies the shit out of me. I guess on the bright side I don't have too many gray hairs yet. Also since Thanksgiving somewhat hijacks my birthday it causes a mess; girlfriend has a job that keeps her working heavy this time of year, so we never celebrate it on time - we always celebrate it before or a week or two after. Mom makes it about her - that's Hispanic moms for you "it's YOUR birthday but I pushed you out of MY vagina!" My boss seems to have forgotten (or is pretending to because he's being cheap this year), and all I want is enough days off to game and chill and turn my brain off.... but I also need my brain on and in OVERDRIVE to do content, so no dice for me.
By the way, Thanksgiving means Cancel This Podcast will probably be on this week at a funky time; Jon and I were aiming for Friday instead of the normal Thursday. There's other video and stream stuff I want to do but admittedly I am disoriented, not only from Ninja's passing, but also from general stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. I feel like I could sleep for a month. I am genuinely not a cold weather/winter person, and often I try to handle more than one person should be able to in terms of cleaning, cooking, working, trying to find time to work on my hobbies - when you get to the point you don't LIKE sleep because the necessity of sleep robs you from getting things done, you know you have too much to do.
I like being busy, just not too busy. I need balance, I've always been a person who needs balance. But right now finding my Zen is pretty damn difficult. Oh well, at least Twitter is fun to read again. There's that. Anyway, I wanted to write a little something for y'all to understand where I've been and what I'm doing as those of you who have been on the BuyMeACoffee have shown me the most support with Cancel This Podcast content so I believe I owed y'all an explanation to what's been up with me. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and thank all of you for your continued support.