Oct 25, 2022
8 mins read
...And I'm not talking about food, either, although that's expensive too. It's a little past midnight. I made a quick video on the Microsoft new "Pride Logo" being shoved down our throats and what I thought of it. Honestly, it's been a long day, and typically I try to avoid any work on Mondays, simply because everyone you encounter on a Monday is miserable and the vibes tend to run off. Fortunately the work I did didn't involve driving to venue to venue to venue, although I will have to do that this week as well. I was helping my boss put some furniture together, and although that's something I enjoy, and I'm not entirely bad at, holy shit do I no longer have the energy for it I used to - or at all.
That's how I know my age is showing despite my fortunate good looks (I kid, I'm ugly as fuck), it takes longer to get out of bed, the pop of the knees is never fun, the soreness in the back - and it's Game Over before it's even begun if I turn in my sleep to an uncomfortable position. I'll pay for that the entire rest of the day.
Often I think of my Dad - he told me, warned me this is how it would get - often. I used to think he was trying to kill my buzz or make me feel like shit. No, he was right. I think he was just trying to get me to understand that youth is finite, and not to take it for granted. I believe it's human nature to look back and regret not doing more, or doing differently. But we can't live in the past, can we? Time to look forward.
Although to be honest there isn't much to look forward to - I'm barely getting by. Work's slow. We have a campaign this week but it's not huge or a big payout, not at all the kind of money I was making BB (Before Biden), and I can't remember when I paid my bills on time. It's not only frustrating, it's scary and causes anxiety - I usually cope with anxiety well, I've coped well with it for years as it's been a big part of my life, not everyone knows that (now y'all do), and I manage relatively well. My awareness of my tendencies towards anxiety and depression, things my parents also suffer/suffered from, helps me get a better handle on it. My awareness of their bad tempers helped me get a handle on my own better, for the most part, anyway. But there is nothing more anxious than seeing a bill that you've already put on a payment arrangement come due, and know "I don't have the money to pay that."
And why don't I? Because gas is astronomical, food is astronomical. It's not just "a tax on the middle class," it's a fucking DEATH SENTENCE on the middle class. There are days I've skipped meals - sure I've got a little meat on my bones but also now my pants are ALSO falling down, which I can't fucking afford - thanks for nothing, Joe Biden, even if I wanted to lose weight, the price of pants is so expensive it's no joke.
Seriously. Fuck that guy. I wish nothing good on him, nor do I wish anything good for anyone who voted for him. I don't care if they realize they're wrong now - we told them before this happened that this... would happen and they chose not to listen, so I have nothing but contempt for them the same way I have contempt for him. They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but most days, I can't. Most days I'm barely able to scrounge up what's left of me to keep going. It's my sheer spite, my sheer defiance, my absolute "GO FUCK YOURSELF" attitude that keeps me going in the face of all of it.
While Biden's giving billions to the Ukraine and I can barely afford my bills, the abomination above is getting invited to the White House to talk about the importance of "gender affirming care" or what is really "Validation for mental illnesses that would have had someone in an insane asylum 25 years ago." Makes me sick. I will say over the weekend a few contributors to BuyMeACoffee helped tremendously - shoutouts to Kingboom and 18WheelDemon because its keeping me on life support since that helped keep the Internet on, and I am truly hoping the assholes at the power company at least give me until the end of the week before they threaten to turn my shit off (it was due today - if there's any good thing about the fall, the bills decrease slightly, but not near as much as they used to - again, thanks Joe Biden - while you're off jacking trannies off in the White House, I'm dying a slow death, and I have nothing but contempt for this government - who the hell wouldn't?)
I know I'm not alone, I see other friends, and other friends who are content creators getting dragged across the bed of spikes known as the Bidenreich, and I hate to see it happen to any of us. I also do regain some faith to know a lot of people wish me well - it's awesome I have people who turn up for my game streams, it's awesome when I have people turn up for the podcasts or share a video - I create content to speak my views and vent and give the world a piece of my mind, but I'm an entertainer at heart and if y'all are entertained, then I'm all the more glad for it. It's why it scares me so bad to lose the ability to do that, because it is what fuels me when I'm low on everything else. I appreciate all of you and I hope you know that. If sometimes I don't reply right away, or don't show up on or for a stream y'all are doing, or don't post on social, just know it's nothing personal - it's that I'm exhausted and sometimes my brain can't even process my next move - that's the anxiety. Its why I truly wish I could get back to being ahead and not behind on my bills because when I'm relieved of all that bullshit, I can make more content, better content, I can focus better. Really the biggest point I come up for air is out with my girlfriend and these days I can barely even afford that - she's not a gold digger or anything; hell she's happy with a subway sandwich, but that just shows you how broke I am.
Some of you have asked "well why doesn't Jon help? He seems well off." And the best word for that is "seems." He's not suffering as much but he's not doing that great and I'd never ask that of him. I want him to take all of that and give that to his kid, his kid that's only a couple of years old - I know for a fact if I had one, I would give that my all. If I ever disappear completely from the Internet it means Julia is pregnant because at the point (if we ever get there) that I have a kid, that will become my number one biggest priority - and I hope y'all would understand that. I think if more parents were more active, more prioritizing on that, we wouldn't have things like that... creature above. To be honest I was much, much happier when I did not know what a "Dylvan Mulvaney" was. And if I manage to find some time before rushing across town tomorrow to do it, that's probably going to be the subject of my next solo video. But I do want a family... just can't afford one, which also scares me into thinking I could lose the woman I love over shit like that. Love isn't every factor in a relationship - that's not negative, that's realistic. Just another thing this corrupt government has taken from me.
Speaking of the corrupt government, tomorrow night, if conditions serve us properly, Jon and I will be doing a special 8 PM EST presentation of THIS shitshow - John Fetterman (FETTERNECK, RRRUUUGGGHHH!!!) versus Klaus Schwab's Favorite Republican, Dr. Memet (more like MEH-met) Oz. This is going to be a trainwreck and a half. Fetterman is barely able to form coherent sentences, and he's going up against a guy who is a flat out TV Doctor. To say this is going to be a slaughter is an understatement. I am no fan of Dr. Oz or his ties to the World Economic Forum, however, Fetterneck is a flat-out Communist. I'm glad I don't live in Pennsylvania because they have to choose between sucking an unwashed dick or being fucked in the ass by a herpes-infested one. It's an unwinnable situation ultimately. Sadly this is a literal "you're voting for the party not the person" election - well, both parties suck but admittedly the one currently in power out-evils the other one JUST ENOUGH for me not to want them to retain power.
Regardless of politics, the bottom line is I can't pay for gas or groceries and I'm pissed about it - that's my stance. Anyway, I wanted to stream tonight as well but it's already almost 1 am and my body feels like I've been hit by a Mack truck so looks like I'm going to have to sleep - I fucking hate days where you exist only to work and sleep, but it is what it is and I'll see you when I see you - be blessed and be based.