Oct 02, 2022
5 mins read
I'm not in the mood for it today - not really in the mood to game and entertain. Also not in the mood to sit and listen to the "end of the world" schtick, not in the mood to listen to "what some rich oligarch that no one elected did today," not in the mood for any of it, to be quite honest. But I do need to write and vent. And I write this behind the gating of those who support us because while I can't offer much in the way of exclusive content, I can offer you all a little bit of what I'm thinking behind the camera and beyond the microphone. I can offer you my thoughts, I can offer you the realness of my life, the reality of me, not some character, not some gimmick, not some "persona."
And I think that's sort of what I try to keep focus on. Whether a million people donates/donated or one person donates/donated I do my best to be consistently me. I think a lot of people once they see donations come in for their content, they change. They do what they think is going to get them paid - to some extent it's human nature but to another it also means people will play a gimmick - if people get paid to tell you the world is on fire, they'll continue to tell you the world is on fire even when it's not - most people, anyway - not me. I just always want to be consistently myself, on my good days, on my bad days, and every day in between, but today it's a bad day and I'd like to talk about it.
The cat pictured above, is my cat, Bos. I've had him since the moment he was born; his mom was a stray I fed. I've had this cat for 24 years. He's been there for me when other people have come and gone, he's survived as other pets I had passed. But age and time are great equalizers that come for us all and - even if I could afford Veterinary AID, no amount of it can extend his life in a way that would be practical, comfortable or fair to him. Tomorrow - if he even makes it there - we're taking him to the vet to be put to sleep. I've braced myself - two years ago, the vet said that he only had a month to live...
He lived another two years - I discussed with my sister that I theorized that his twin, who died when we used to let them both go outdoors, was the reason Bos decided to live twice as long. He's outlived other cats he grew up with. Of the three that grew old together he's the sole survivor. He's been there - with his loud, rather annoying meow - he was my father's favorite of the three, because my Dad taught him how to "give him five" with his paws.
It's hard for me to envision life without him around. Sure he's old, senile and somewhat lazy and has been for years - but you'd be entitled to be lazy too if you made it well above and beyond your life expectancy. But I'm going to miss him. No matter how much I steel myself, brace myself, try not to feel badly about it or say "I was prepared," it's never easy. In fact it's harder than many other pets I've lost, if I'm being honest, primarily due to the fact that no animal in my life has ever been in it as long as him.
Some people don't get "pets" or animals. To them, it's not a big deal - but to me, I think that animals typically aren't capable of treachery - if they love you they love you, unconditionally, doesn't matter if you get old, sick, lose a limb, lose an eye, whatever - doesn't matter if you're in a big house, a small house, whatever - they're not judging you for successes or failures, they're just there for you, flat out. And that's the reality of it to me - loss is loss - pets, people, in life. I was starting to think Bos might outlive me at the rate it's going.
When you look at it that way, fuck everything else - nothing else matters in those moments except you and your loved ones. It's easy to lose sight of that. Easy to get online and let the black-pilling take you away from you - easy to get online and spend so much time worrying about "causes," "ideals," they forget about the real world - I was talking with a friend the other day who did real life damage to his relationships because he was too busy pushing the online stuff to people in the real world.
The real world always needs to take priority. Our loved ones, our pets, our people, our jobs, our responsibilities. I'd like to think that I realize that, no matter how much I do or no matter what kind of content I create. I guess I just needed to vent out my stress, my tension and a bit of my sorrow. I need to let it out BECAUSE I don't talk to people often, BECAUSE I don't like to burden people with my problems - I always have to handle everyone else's problems to the point I don't often have the luxury of expressing my own.
That's why I try to have fun when I do the content I do. I'm not saying my life is sad or my life is depressing, I am saying that life is tough, and when we come on here we should be trying to get out head out of the darkness, not further into it. Maybe some people get that and some people don't, but above all else I hope I bring some joy into this dark world and tough times we are living in.
I guess I just needed to vent and express it, let people know what I'm thinking. I don't do it for sympathy or pity but to let y'all know where my head is at if I'm a little on edge the next week or so. Thanks for listening for what it's worth.