Nov 24, 2021
4 mins read
Hello and goodnight. It’s 12:24 am and my lovely girlfriend is currently in the process of drifting off to dreamland. Meanwhile, I’m beginning my nightly routing of forcing myself to stay up until the guilt and shame of being an actual vampire creeps in and I choose to rest my eyelids finally and slumber for the night. Tomorrow is a Wednesday and normally this would running errands or doing whatever it is my girlfriend wants to do which usually tuckers me out and leaves me feeling exhausted. Granted, every time I’m awake I’m exhausted. Like spiritually, mentally, physically and in any other senses of the word you can think of. My week is being thrown off by thanksgiving and my routine is being interrupted. Granted, I don’t have much of a routine apart from sleeping all day (just being honest). Today I spent a good portion of the afternoon working on my unemployment application. It was confusing and I don’t want to talk about it. I’m worried I didn’t do it right and won’t get much money out of it. It’s really tempting to throw the towel in and go back to doing sex work. That’s not easy either though. I hate having to hustle. The reality of having a mental illness though is not being able to hold down a full time job. I can barely leave the house at this point let alone be responsible for anything other than my own survival. It feels like a war is going on inside my head everyday and the rational part of me is fighting the urge to commit suicide. I’m afraid one day I’m going to the lose the fight. So far my track record is pretty good. The irony is that I’m actually terrified of death. I don’t want to die. I just want to be elsewhere. I had a dream last night that I was in another dimension where the people there had no gender, all the houses were cotton candy pink and blue and everyone had crazy colored hair. Everyone lives in harmony and no one worked. We just existed and helped each other out. Everyone worked together to create a beautiful world so everyone was equal and most people just kept to themselves. I had a talking plant with a face like on Alice in Wonderland and 3 dogs. But then I was getting sucked back into this other reality in my dream—the reality I’m currently in and my grandpa was in my arms, begging and pleading for me to help him because he was dying. And someone was after me. If I helped him, it was going to put me in danger. In the dream, I must’ve been half human and half whatever-the-hell the people in the pink world were. I felt so conflicted in the dream. I wanted to go back to my own happy world with my pets and my plant and all the beautiful colors but there was some sort of vortex that kept sucking me back onto earth. I just wanted to escape but the guilt of not helping my grandpa survive would’ve eaten me alive if I didn’t do anything on earth to save him. There was definitely more to the dream but those were the core parts of it. I woke up feeling unrested (as usual). I wanted to go back to sleep and sleep the whole day away again and only awaken during the night so I could be alone and watch Netflix and peruse the internet. I like the quiet that the night brings. The day is so loud. I honestly miss when Covid was at its peak. It was amazing to go out on the roads and not to see a car in sight. And the stores were bare of human beings (and toilet paper). Oh, those were the days. If life could’ve continued in that way, I think I could have a chance it happiness. It’s the quiet that I really enjoy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love a good concert and get hyped off the energy there, but I’m not usually having to get stuff done and be responsible at concerts. Also, it usually takes me a week to recover from attending a concert. Living in the “real” world is exhausting. I feel like an alien most of the time. I just want to come home and bury my nose in my phone and watch my favorite fb shows or read a graphic novel or book. Or just be with my pets. I can handle that.