❤️‍🩹Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation❤️‍🩹

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Sometimes I want to die. That’s the truth. I wonder if that will forever be a reality of mine.

I’m worried my fatal flaw is caring too much. Or not enough. And nothing in between.

I can’t seem to get a sturdy grip on reality. It seems life is constantly slipping through my fingers like quicksand.

I’ve been watching Euphoria and it’s been shocking to see how much I have in common with the main character, Rue. She’s a drug addict. I wonder why I always find myself attracted to those sort of individuals. I feel like they just get it.

Life is a bitch. And then you die. I used to say that all the time in highschool. Little did I know, it would become my reality.

Don’t get me wrong, life has its good moments. For example, today I took a nap with my girlfriend. And that was really nice. The warmth of her body as I curled up into her back felt like the equivalent of drinking a warm cup of tea.

I think life is suffering though. We wouldn’t exist without pain. That’s what makes things feel good. A sunny sky wouldn’t be coveted if not for the gray clouds and rain the day before.

Maybe it’s okay to live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Especially when it seems like a struggle to wake up in the morning.

It’s getting better though. I think I’m getting better.

I will forever be bipolar. That’s not something I can change. My life is different because of it. And as I get older, it gets worse.

I’ve already started losing control of my body. I drop things when I’m not focusing hard on holding them. I feel myself sinking back into my head. I’m worried I’ll end up like my friends husband in California. Who is happy for all I know. But the burden I would be on Anne would be too much. I’m afraid of getting dementia & losing my mind. I’m worried I’m destined for it.

Should I end my life before it gets to that point? My medication has caused my body to be weaker but my brain to function normally. I think it’s shortening my life though.

Being on anti-psychotics for 5 years has to do some sort of damage to your body.

One of my counselors told me that she takes a lot of meds as well. But I take almost 10 pills a day.

10 pills a day.

I’m like Harley Quinn from Batman. Crazy as they come. (Also, for legal reasons this is a joke).

Fin.