Dec 25, 2021
5 mins read
Well, it’s Christmas. I had no expectations for this year. I thought I might be spending it alone. But Anne’s family invited me to Christmas Day and even bought me presents. I don’t really know how to thank them properly. I hope they know how much I appreciate it. Things have been really hard these past few months (or years really). I can feel something big peeking around the corner at me, coaxing me to keep moving forward with my life. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. Im restabilizing back on my medication, some money is coming in off of the side hustles I’ve started doing. I’m seeing small changes. I wish I could making things move a little faster but I know the pace I’m going at is sustainable. If I was manic, I’d be overloading myself with too many projects that would eventually wind up with me burning out. I think I’m being pretty reasonable as of right now. I’ve been more consistent with my OnlyFans™️ and set up a schedule for pictures to upload everyday up until tomorrow. I’m gonna have to start scheduling stuff for January now. I think if I continue to just set everything up so I can drop pictures and videos every day and only do one big photo shoot one night a week or something like that, I can keep up with it and have it be a “real” source of income for me. Anyways, I’m probably hyperfixating on it more than I should. It’s Christmas so my brain is trying to escape from the reality that I’m not spending Christmas with my family this year. I’m probably quite the “hot” topic of conversation over at my aunts house. I outrightly accused my stepdad of pedophilia. I never said he was a bad person though—I feel like that should be noted. However, I understand why they’re angry. People don’t like to hear the truth. The proof is in the pudding though. The fact is he was engaged to a 16 year old in his twenties. I think the older generation really doesn’t see any kind of problem like this. But even my parents have admitted that the girl was apparently only after money. That’s why the mom of the daughter okayed the marriage. In the end, I think the daughter ended up dying. I think that relationship must’ve been the one my dad was in right before getting with my mom. My mom would say even a year into the relationship, my dad still couldn’t talk about this girl without crying. Allegedly, my mom told him he needed to “man up” and “move on with his life” or she was gonna dump him. A little harsh, right? I just wonder how much in common could an adult man have with a 16 year old? I felt like it was borderline inappropriate when I was “dating” Bruce. He was 23 and I was fresh 18. There was definitely an unhealthy power dynamic that was going on there. I felt like a child still. I didn’t know about bills, houses, kids, taxes, loss. I was just a child. I just can’t help but imagine that a 16 year old was even more at a disadvantage in a relationship with a 20-23 year old. I don’t know how the girl passed. Or if it was actually that girlfriend who died. For all I know, she could have committed suicide. Given the position she was put in by her mother and also the fact that she was engaged to marry a way older man, she may have, in fact, killed herself. I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe I’m projecting but to be 16 and feel like the whole rest of your life has already been planned out for you and you have absolutely no say in it…well that just sounds like a nightmare. I think that’s why I’m so hyper fixated on my dad right now. I empathize with his victim. I know technically it wasn’t statutory rape as the mother consented for the child in my dads situation…but still…it feels wrong. I don’t want to think about him dating a teenager. It just seems to validate my theory that he’s a predator. That word seems really scary. Maybe that’s why I was uninvited to Christmas. No one wants to be called a predator. Hell, I hated it when my ex told me I was abusive. In retrospect though, I was dating an unstable drug addict. I was set up to fail. I need to take responsibility for my mistakes though. I outed Courtney when I should have just let her do whatever she needed to do. I was sleep deprived and anxious all the time though because she would stay up for 48 hours at a time, going from between talking super fast without me being able to get a word in (mania) to her being so depressed she wouldn’t get out of bed or eat anything at all (depression). Those two moods were also exasperated by the fact that she was popping pills like Candy. She would cycle between 3 bars of Xanax plus Adderall, pain meds, weed, and other opiates. I never quite knew what I was gonna get with her. I guess that was part of the excitement. I just wanted to fix her so badly. But she was too far gone. She once wrote on her blog that I was “too fucked up to be fixed.” Well, Courtney, if you ever stumble upon this blog by some sort of accidental twist of fate just know this: You’re actually the one too fucked up to fix.