May 07, 2021
1 mins read
#6 A hammock for hamsters. They're nasty little tailless rats that spend their days sifting around wood shavings and their own waste. Trust me, they'll enjoy an afternoon swinging on your old mask as they bask in your residual mouth stench.
#5 Scrotum lift. Have a man in your life whose sack has started to droop? Well, wrap them nuts in your old face mask. Use some safety pins to attach it to a pair of boxers and wham—no more sack droop.
#4 Emergency toilet paper. You never know when the next toilet paper run will take place or when you will run out of discarded Taco Bell wrappers to tend to your "private mess." Instead of tossing out that germ-infested veil, store and use 'em when your TP supplies are running low.
#3 Avocado protector. Hate dirty avocados? Well, what better way to protect your green friend from collateral filth than wrapping it in a germ-infested face mask. Yes, all the smart avocados are wearing repurposed face masks this year.
#2 Nipple buffers. Ever been caught in a situation where your nipples needed a little buff and shine? Well, that face mask that you were about to toss makes for the perfect nipple buffer. Never show up to a special event with dull nipples again.
#1 Eye masks. Here's a million dollar idea. Rinse out that stinky face mask, douse it in Febreze, stitch some sequins on it and sell it on Etsy as a "handmade one-of-a-kind eye mask." You're certain to make a fortune.
In case anyone reading this lacks the protein to properly digest humor, satire, or sharp cheeses, THIS was meant as joke. Of course you should NEVER repurpose a face mask. We all know that only condoms should be rinsed out and repurposed.
Follow me on Twitter. Or, if you are so inclined or possessed by a voiceless demon and urged to do so, leave a tip or join my "legions" of monthly supporters by clicking here.