Yesterday, I went to an Ob-Gyne for a consultation. After an examination, she diagnosed me with Hirsutism as I have a hairy face and excessive hair in other parts of my body. She noted my face and back that are riddled with acne. With that, she already had a possible diagnosis. Due to my family history of reproductive organ diseases, she already told me of the risks of cancer in the future.
She was in a rush, and I had to take my ultrasound hours later in another place as the hospital was small and only had the basic one. Due to my conditions, aka not having a sex life, I had to take the transrectal ultrasound, and I must say I hate it more than MRI.
I have bowel and urinating problems. There are times when it just comes out without me feeling anything. As I waited, I felt discomfort and thought, "Oh no, I might poop." After the doctor inserted the probe, my emotions were at an all-time high. One, it felt like I was being split in two, and two, it was not just uncomfortable and painful; every move felt like I was going to release something or burst at the doctor and technician.
It took me a while to continue breathing as I held my breath for a few seconds. The doctor was nice and distracted me. I ended up talking about the cats because that's my personality. My life revolves around my cats. They entertained me, and they saw multiple cysts on my right ovary.
When the doctor was removing the probe, I felt something big and thought it was poop. I almost cried as I apologized that I might poop on the table. The doctor and technician calmed me down and informed me that it was common and it's okay. Nothing came out, but I felt open.
We came home, and afterward, for the first time, I felt hopeful that I'd get treated quickly. It didn't go that way.
The Ob-Gyne asked that we meet at 3:45. When we met her, she told me of my situation. I have a thin endometrium. Most PCOS patients have thick ones, but mine was thin, so they can't induce bleeding. They have to wait until it thickens before starting the treatment, that is if it does.
After a month, I'd have to undergo that horrible test. I still can't sit or lie down properly, btw. The treatment, if we get to proceed, is also complicated due to my multiple diseases and medications. She was so kind, and it felt so new, refreshing, and relieving to be treated with respect and compassion.
I am infertile. Even if they induce bleeding and I take the treatment, my eggs would not reach maturity, nor would it be able to take on a sperm. I'm coming to terms with that. I received the "joke" of how I'm now half a woman, partly useless and disposable.
It hurts because I'm dealing with a diagnosis, and the people around me aren't pleased because I can't give them a baby. I feel more burdened and treated as a burden because it's harder for them to watch rather than me, who has to suffer from these diseases.
I don't want another life to live, and I want to make this count. It's getting harder, though; the only ones making this life worthwhile are creatures comforting me without words. My awakening is taking place, and my obsession with giving my cats a better life is what's making me move forward. My online friends are so kind, more understanding than blood. I hope my struggles will help you realize that blood isn't everything and that not having a child, by choice or by circumstance, does not make you less human.
You do not need to make yourself useful to be given love based on condition rather than genuine emotion.
I'm infertile, and I am enough.
