A few weeks ago, I got the disturbing news that my elderly mother had a fall. Unfortunately, my brother couldn't care for her. So, I went back to West Virginia for the first time in a year to care for her. I found her a good doctor and took her to a hospital. She still wanted a second opinion without even giving the first doctor's treatment a chance. So, we drove all the way to DC for a second opinion. Every single minute made me feel like my life was crap. I don't want to sound ungrateful to my mother but I am 37 and I don't have anything going on in my personal life. All I do is work and instead of living my own life, I have to care for a woman in her early 70's because my brother who lives at home wanted to go away for a week to a resort with his buddies.

Eventually I got back home to California and drank like crazy for a week. I finished off 3 bottles of whiskey. I am not an alcoholic - at least I wasn't - but I couldn't help myself. I was in a dark place mentally and I needed some relief. Thankfully, I had a vacation coming up - the vacation to Prague that I have been telling you all about for 2 years.

Finally, I felt like I was moving forward with my life. I felt like things were turning around. I was looking forward to each day and then just before my flight I got diagnosed with COVID. It was too late to cancel and get a refund. $5000 down the drain along with all the hope that I had been gathering up over the past week. I felt like crap.

I have spent the last week getting drunk again. I decided to talk to a psychiatrist. I need help. My first appointment is this Wednesday. I am in a very dark place and I don't want to post on Instagram. I apologize to all the people who have donated on here in the last few weeks. I don't want you to feel that you are unimportant to me because you all are very important to me. It's just that I am not in the right headspace to talk to anyone at this time. I don't know when I will be back or if I will be back.

For some of you, it would only mean one less hot girl on Instagram but I hope there are at least a few people who will realize that I am not just an e-girl. I am a person, a woman with all the flaws that come along with that. I am not perfect but I try my best. It's just that right now, I desperately need to figure out my own life.