in a world where society has evolved into a construct-enforced lifestyle and freedom is only limited to what your imagination has adapted as what is humanely possible, i think we sometimes forget that there is one thing they cannot control, one thing they cannot manipulate you into believing, one thing they can never take away from you, your mind.
close your eyes. the black. the one place where the only one dictating the constructs is you. so what do you do when your mind has left the building? it's only when it gradually returns that you realize it left. only when the pills start kicking in and you know everything you have ever believed and known to be true can be lost in less than a second.
so i am left with a predicament. the only only thing i have ever known to be true is irrelevant, my thoughts. i was considered a rebel, but coming from a small town where the generation enslaved to the rules of the past could control you for 18 years. narrow-minded racists, homophobes and judged by the church they formed us. they moulded and sculpted our minds and our lives. i was no rebel, i was in disbelief that this box in which i am supposed to live my life and then die, was it. that it was all there was and nothing more. my adolescent years were strictly forced to obey to the confinement. i didn't break the rules, and after some years i had learned to never trust anyone with my real thoughts but i hated them. i hated them all and then i pitied them. for being so ignorant and unhappy that they had to believe that they were happy and in fact 'right'. i simply refused to believe their way was the only way.
suffice to say i never fit in anywhere. apart from my appearance which already seperates me from the masses to an extent that people shamelessly stare in disbelief, i was misunderstood and just considered a bad seed. i turned to sex because it seemed to be the only thing i had in common with those around me. and all the shunning and suffocating of my dreams, thoughts and ideas of course lead me to have a deep seated need for approval. i tried to maintain some sort of level of happiness through online relationships and being promiscuous on the internet. it was the only thing i could hide from the world around me. not knocking it considering my line of work, but it definitely opened up a whole new world and finally sparked the curiosity needed for exploring more and what else is out there. the freedom it presented. the hope of maybe one day being everything or at least something i am meant to be. it did come a little too late for me to pursue this new found hope but it gave me the lifeline i so desperately needed. it made me feel somehow superior those around me, sorry for those who knew what else was out there but denied its existence, and inferior to those who pursued it and ultimately found a sense of feeling content. i wished to one day be content because of my choices, my beliefs and my life. i even envied it.
but still today i am the most unusual, peculiar and unique person i know of. i don't need to quote testimonials, my memories are lost too, but i have been told by almost everyone who has ever come into contact with me that i am different. and i am. everything about me is different and makes no sense. even the occasional "who made you this way?" still doesn't affect my view on the subject. i am definitely one of a fucking kind. this blog can either make me feel more obscure or make me and you understand it a little better, but i have always had to lay down my thoughts on paper or a blank note. but enjoy all my blog posts and journal entries and please, if you don't, just leave and don't comment on it.