“Conceal, don’t feel”
A saying many of us carry throughout our life.
Many of us tend to conceal and hide our emotions, refusing to feel them. We like to distract ourselves and run away from our issues. Coming face to face with our emotions is worse than coming face to face with our fears.
The day I heard the news that my mom was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer, I was in agony. It was the most pain I’ve ever felt, even though I’ve spent years waking up devastated to be alive.
As time passed, at a certain point, I felt emotional numbness. I didn’t feel any emotions. I had trouble coming terms that she only had a feel months to live and I constantly told myself “conceal, don’t feel.” I just can’t let myself feel any more pain is what I told myself. I’ve already been through too much pain.
One of the toughest things to do is to confront and feel our emotions. As kids, we are told that we are 'weak' if we show our emotions, so instead we choose hide and suppress it. However, in order to heal, we need to allow ourselves to feel. No matter how painful and difficult it is, it’s just something we have to do in order to heal.
By suppressing, distracting and running away from it, it will eventually come back and kick you in the ass. And once a trigger sets it off, it will kick your ass 100x harder. Instead of doing that, you must face and accept it, even though it feels like it will kill you.
I remember telling my friend that I was so terrified that I will just drink my problems away but luckily I didn’t. Instead, I allowed myself to feel. To let it out and I did. For 6 months, I spent every day crying and trying to come to terms with everything after her death.
As time passed, it got easier. The pain will always be there, but it gets easier to cope with it. Even writing this got me crying and it’s been a little over 5 years. I thought that allowing myself to feel will kill me, but by doing so I actually healed.
As difficult as it gets, take the time to feel and heal. You can only run for so long until you get exhausted. Feeling is part of being human and it’s okay not to be okay.
Don’t judge yourself for feeling. It doesn’t make you weak, but strong actually. Emotions are demanded to be felt.
Feeling helps you heal, so don’t run or suppress your emotions. You deserve to heal, be happy and at peace.
Remember, you are more resilient than you think 💫
Much love,
Diana