Please note: This isn't done for attention seeking, isn't done for big noting, this is done in the hopes that it will help people understand where I am coming from and what I am going through and why my content is constantly very all over the shop. Any external links and or videos I have shared in this blog are not endorsed or sponsored by said company, artist or any where that these links re-direct too, none of the links to third party stuff earns me a commission.
Here is another quick video about the mental health that I posted over on YouTube.
The struggle is real, I am finding it harder and every day to climb out of that bed, I am finding so hard to make that perfect study life balance, with commitments and everything it's a on going struggle.
I think no matter which way you look at it, I am here to give you guys a good hard honest truth of why the content is so over the shop!
I am not going to sit here and sugar coat it for any one and that's because I know it's not weak to speak up and it's not weak to ask for help and support, it should never be considered weak to speak or wrong to speak up about what your going through and that's just a factor of life.
In Victoria we have spent so long in Lockdown and around the places, and people who know me will know I use to be a very out there and get shit done type of person I would love travelling to Bendigo and Melbourne and it's fair to say that one of my happy places is Found Sound , this is heaven from the chats with Lewis, Thommy and the team there the time I spent their flew by like time flying high. I think you could almost call Found Sound my natural high.
I live in country town called Echuca and there's not much here, I love the town and the people for the most part, but we lack a decent computer, we lack a music shop (Production) and we lack maybe one of the most important stores for me a JB Hi Fi (Thanks to the guys from the Toll Bendigo depot for putting up with my crazy amount of JB and Mr Cycling World deliveries). I guess what I am trying to say is life is what we make it and I miss the freedom of travelling to places to be able to pick up those headphones or something it's the simple things in life that I am missing.
Do you realise what I have gone through in the last year? Do you actually have any idea what it's like to walk in my shoes? I am guessing not, so I am here to share or maybe over share I am not exactly sure at all.. but at the end of the day let's do this.
So early last year I came out of a period of unemployment and found work as a cleaner, I know it's a dirty job but it's a job that has to be done and I enjoyed the work and the freedom to have my music in and go about my tasks and get stuff done, but that really started to take a toll on my mental health and psychical health to the point of it was 7 days a week 3 - 5 hours a day with tons of overtime, and quite literally we were underpaid and over worked and not treated right, the company I worked with went from one form of a abusive manager to another form of a abusive manager and upon this time I was realising that it was all getting to much and I would reach my breaking point and then October of 2020 I did reach my breaking point I went straight to the doctors and advised my doctor I needed help STAT I didn't know where else to turn I felt like it was all just becoming too much and I had also at this point due to the work load lost my freedom to travel and get stuff done which wasn't good on my over all mental health.
I got referred to all the right services and started talking with a counsellor that was extremely helpful and possibly one of the best I have ever had contact with and we started to form plans for me to say good bye to the company I was working for, even though we knew times would be tough, but we knew that for my mental health it was better to say good bye and so long. (Thanks for listening and being there and supporting me when other services wouldn't Phil!)
I started the process with no support, and no understanding from really any one except the counsellor, only the counsellor could understand what I was going through and how the work situation was like walking around on egg shells and he knew that wasn't good for any one and especially not good for me. I knew that my current employment agency wasn't going to be supportive of my decision and I knew that, that would prove a tension strained activity which is most definitely did, which turned around to me transferring to another agency didn't really have much choice at the time my solutions where limited. I was bouncing back and I knew that mental health had to be my fore focus.
Fast forward to October, I met my now ex which was a lesson best learned from of what not to do next time around, my ex I enjoyed her company and fell hard and fast for her, I met her around the 13th of October 2020 and we dated until the long weekend in June, it ended and that relationship literally broke me, I guess that is why my podcasts took a hit the first time around because I was travelling back and fourth between Bendigo and Echuca and my hours of productivity was extremely limited.
This meant recording and producing podcasts where one day a week where I would push out as many episodes as I could and smash down a lightning fast editing process which means the overall finished product wasn't in most cases something I was proud of which definitely sucked for sure and that was struggle street. I like to push the boundaries of editing and I like to do polished production when possible.
The break up with my ex seriously couldn't have happened as a worse time but there's never a good time to end a relationship and that's just a fact of life, I was in the middle of getting ready to start my course and for those you who don't know what I am on about I filmed this quick video to have a chat with all my supporters and followers in relation to it. I have placed Changes here for your viewing pleasure should you wish, this was slapped together very quickly and just roughly edited.
So I was getting to study and the last thing I needed a relationship breakdown, do you know what it is like to find out that the bulk of your relationship was a lie? I clearly wasn't perfect for her like I thought she was for me, she clearly didn't love me or respect me enough to be honest with her and that definitely sucked, I felt like I was used and thrown out to the garbage when something better came along.
Dumped in the morning and she was in another relationship the same day, I spent days mourning the break up and processing the break up and what I did wrong and what went wrong and how it went down and I was honestly royally pissed I felt used and treated like trash and that the last 7 - 8 months of my life was wasted on someone important to me but I wasn't important to them and that royally sucks. I lost so many friends and chances in that time and I let so many aspects of my life down and for every one I avoided or treated badly or didn't respond to because of my relationship I am SORRY, I am really sorry I am from the bottom of my heart.
I came in to my own and came to terms about the ending of the relationship and to say it doesn't effect me today would be the worlds biggest lie, I still have those words in the back of my head "No one will ever love me" "Your unlovable", I still have the self doubt of what the actual F*CK did I do wrong, how the F*CK did I screw this up - I feel like I wasted all that time when I could have been focusing on training and getting back to the gym and creating music and doing what would make me happy, don't think I am sitting here lying to any one, my ex did make me happy but the breakdown of the relationship remains paramount for the down ward spiral of mental health I am in at the moment and that's just a fact of life. I was lied to, I was used, I made to feel like I wasn't good enough and I still feel like I am not good enough for any one and never will be.
That's something I definitely have to overcome and deal with in the coming weeks and that's just a fact of life. I am trying to get my self confidence back up and believe in my self. Let's be totally honest, I have been dealing with a lot and have re-kindled a old friendship and this person is actually weather they realise it or not, they are giving me the confidence to believe in my self and they really making me believe in my self and not doubt my self as much. They are actually helping me over come the bad thoughts and self doubt that is sitting in the back of my head and for that I will always be grateful.
One of the best things I have ever brought to help me find focus and to focus up has been these Studio Milligram Action Pad I use this one on the daily to write down my list of tasks for the day weather that be order shopping, pay bills, or a reminder to study. The action pad has become one of the best things I have brought and I would like to thank Tom for his support with all my shopping in Milligram Melbourne Central store :D - thanks mate, I miss you can't wait to return. The next thing has been another Studio Milligram item, Studio Milligram B6 Planner, while these are currently out of stock I have the black edition and I love this, this allows me to focus on what matters to me each week and allows me to write down important dates, times and calendar moments and important focus during and through out the term like goals. A visit to Milligram is a happy place for me, the chats with Tom are amazing and the customer service there is second to none and I love spending time in the store shopping :D.
I think the struggles are really real for me, I don't know how to say this but it if it wasn't for the action list and the planner I don't think I would have made it through the first term of study, and that's being honest, to get up each morning and to look at the planner and how it had my day laid out in front of me and the goals set up, was honestly one of the best things I could have ever done to be honest with you. Last term the planner really made me kick my self and made me take notice it's a god send and I adore it :)
Last term of study was very hard on me and very draining and I found like I had found my purpose and was really enjoying my study to be honest, I re-located my studio to another room, I rebuilt my studio in multiple layouts I switched my CUBI for a MAC Mini. I switched my 32 inch monitor on my main desk for a 27 inch Nitro Gaming Monitor. But above all else I struggled with the video side of my assessment the most and that royally sucked for me. I had a lot of technical issues and it really got me down and that effected and negatively geared my mental health which wasn't a good thing at all, but at the end of the day I worked with Ryan D on the YYB Podcast for my course and that was an amazing experience working with Ryan D on that podcast and learning the story behind YYB and that was really had to be my highlight of my first term. If you want to have a listen it's down below. If you want to find out more about Term 1 and the juggling act, click here that's the dedicated first term article and there's even a second term article in bound for you guys interested in that.
Some of the big blows was the closures of GYMS, and now limited numbers of 10 to gyms makes it very hard to get a ideal time to train, I realise I have to get back on track with my health and fitness and that's just a fact of life, I know I am struggling I really can't wait to return back to the gym, I need to start becoming a better me, and that's just the life. I do have to thank Sarah and the whole team over at Mr Cycling World for getting replacement tubes and other parts I have needed for my bike and giving me the ability to get back on the track with my Trek FX 2.0.
Any one who knows me from years ago would know that cycling has been my life for as long as any one can remember, even back in the days of DJ Fonz and DJ Barsby at the OPT calling me Arthur everyone knew me by the bike I would be riding and that definitely hasn't changed thought cycling for me as been a quiet time for me because COVID has made it hard for me to get to bike stores with my preferred parts, therefore making me look for alternative solutions online, which is where to comes to thanks for to Mr Cycling World.
But there's a old saying as another door closes another door opens. I think this saying is very true and honest to were things are at, I have a lot of respect for people who battle mental health and my self included but I don't think anyone really understands my struggles and that was until I started talking to someone, a old friend you can say.
She gets me and supports me and actually takes a interest in what I am doing and where I am going, she is a friend that I value and care for a lot, she's became the first person I message in the morning and the last person I message of a night time she's became my motivation to talk to people and get out of the front door. I am so grateful for her, and I will touch on this in a little more depth.
I have become a very different person over the last two or three months, I have down my soft drink to Sodastream only, I have replaced my energy drinks to be virtually nothing, I have switched things up in a very different way. But the more we look at it, the more I am shutting people out and got my guard up and the more I don't want to leave the house and this is definitely not good. I can say breaking point is breaking point and we all have different levels of breaking points. (Don't panic Triple Shot Espresso dare's are still LIFE)
I guess you could say where have I been since the break up and honestly not in a good place I have been staying home and keeping to my self I found the motivation to train and then they closed the gyms cause of the COVID world we have been working in. I can definitely say that's negatively impacted my life in a big way, Gyms and exercise has been a big part of my mental health and the struggles are definitely real.
On a plus note I did a lot better in term one than I excepted I know some of the work I did wasn't my best work but I learned from my mistakes and that's definitely a big plus at the end of the day, learning from the feedback and what you did wrong is some of the best things you can take away from study and that's a fact of life.
So at the end of the day I reflected on the term, and I took all the feedback on board and I was determined to come in to TERM 2 strong and ready and willing but mental health got in the way. When mental health gets in the way it always is bound to suck.
I came in to week 1 and I did better than I excepted to be honest but I still felt like Term 2 of my course is going to get away from and I feel like I don't have the skills or the understanding to take on the course but I know I have to move past that self doubt. Week 2 became a major blow to me, I failed one of my quizzes and I really struggled with the concept of my major end of term assessments and I am not sure why, this is really getting me down in terms of my mental health and I don't know what else I can do really but say why me. I honestly miss understood my whole assessments and I know the struggles with ADR assessment, which is Automatic Dialogue replacement will be one of the real struggles and it's going to suck. I know I need to reach out and ask my teacher for help which I will be doing.
I am going to be struggling with this course and I think that Term 2 might be the make it or break it term for me but I am hoping that I am wrong to be honest. Term 2 Week 2 is actually breaking me to be honest, I did so badly on one of the quiz's and realised what I was working towards with my assessments was totally different, and that I had a different understanding on what was required which was not good, pardon the pun but I feel like I am out of sync with term 2, from everything even the SineWave Project.
I think that everything is term 2 is going to be a struggle for me and really push me out side of my comfort zone. Struggling through Term 2 might be the new normal but I most definitely hope that isn't that case but I guess I have be prepared for that and that sucks.
I have so much self doubt among the course and term 2 and I know there's so much negativity and lack of motivation in getting stuff done with me at the moment, my mental health is not great and I am trying to become the best person I can be and I am grateful for those of you who made it to the end of this post and for that I am grateful.
I think it's got so much to do with the fact of the juggling act of life, study and job agency balance - the demands are coming at me from all directions. I am just trying to strike the perfect balance, between it all to be honest and that's where the struggles are real.
So thank you for those who have personally supported me and listened to me you people know who you are, thanks to John and the whole team at Rushfaster, thanks to Joanna and the whole online team across at Milligram, thanks to Lewis and the whole found sound gang, thanks to StoreDJ, Thanks to Adrian the team at Supercheap Auto for putting up with my tool box purchases and thanks to every one who helped me get what I need during the lack of travel due to COVID-19 but more importantly thanks to the one who is helping me and making me want to be me and giving me that daily encouragement and you know exactly who you are.
Until next time, peace out guys and I love you all and thank you for your support.