Maybe there's a book for that?

Maybe there's a book for that?

Jan 10, 2022

It is now officially the day of our first serious cancer-related appointment. In nine hours and twenty minutes time, we'll be seeing the radiation specialist. Lauriel will be having another CT and we'll no doubt be thrust deep into the reality that is cancer.

Of course, me being me, I decide that 12.25am is a great time to start looking for books about cancer, or in my case, books for caregivers of people with cancer.

Most of the books sound cool until I read toward the end of the blurb, and the person's husband/wife/child has died. I don't want to read about cancer with the only result being death. I want to be able to laugh, to nod, to have light bulb moments, but ultimately, I want to read about survival.

Maybe that sounds a bit selfish. I know that there are cancer journeys that end in death. I know that not everyone has the luxury of being told their cancer is a 'good' cancer and should be relatively easily treated.

I don't want a book that is going to make me cry from sadness, I don't mind tears, but ultimately (oh crap, I keep using that word!) I want a happy ending. I like all my books with a happy, ending. Maybe this is a consequence of writing romance - a happy ever after/HEA (or a happy for now/HFN) is essential. God dammit, I want a HEA cancer book!

Perhaps my search skills are too bland. Entering 'good books for caregivers of cancer patients' brings up results for books that make me want to cry just looking at them. Sad couples. Black and white images. Then there are the titles... 'Cancer Kills Caregivers Too'. Shit. Where is the book called 'Will My Bumhole Glow: 1000 Questions About Cancer Answered'? Or at least one called 'Cancer Might Not Kill Either Of You'?

Similar searches gave me similar results. We're instantly going to be a hetero couple in our 50s-70s and one of us is gonna die. And it's gonna be sad. Real sad. Happy for NEVER.

And so, I flipped shit on its head (I am sorry for the swearing, people... but it is just how I am...) and googled 'Funny books about cancer'. Surprisingly, I didn't have a window pop up exclaiming 'FUNNY BOOKS ABOUT CANCER? ARE YOU INSANE?'.

First link I try, ahhh yes, this looks more like me, with titles like:
Big C, little ta-ta: Kicking Breast Cancer's Butt In 7 Humorous Stories
It's Probably Nothing *Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My Implants
Now It's Funny: How I Survived Cancer, Divorce and Other Looming Disasters
Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips
Alisa Grodsky's Cancer Crack Up: A Book Of Chemo Induced Wit, Whimsy and Warrior

As with so much of this journey so far, I never imagined I would be up at 1am, Googling this type of stuff. It sounds weird, but sometimes I forget cancer has invaded our family. We can be having a normal day and all of a sudden I get this surge of adrenalin as I remember OMG, Lauriel has cancer. So bloody weird.

What is also weird, is how quickly it has become the norm. I'm talking to people about appointments with radiation specialists and chemo specialists, like I would talk about the weather. It's a lot to get one's head around. How did this become normal so quickly? We haven't even started our journey proper yet, and already it's 'life'. Sorry, can't catch up, gotta go to a radiation specialist appointment.

Bloody hell. I can't even tell you the point of the post. To start with I think it was to share that I was tipping my toes into the murky sea of books about cancer. But I think it's actually more that I am trying to say OHMYGODIAMSOSCARED.

Because I am. Not so much scared of Lauriel dying, because I am choosing to believe the surgeon when he said the prognosis is good. No, I'm more scared about what is to come, and how the treatment is going to impact on Lauriel physically (not to mention every other way). It is going to hurt my heart to see her in pain, to see her feeling unwell, to notice the changes... and we don't even know what to expect yet. All I have to go by are the depictions on TV of hair loss, vomiting and pain.

Not being able to help is going to be the killer. Maybe that's what the 'Cancer Kills Caregivers Too' book is referring to.

Is anything I do REALLY going to help? Is all the love in the world going to make her feel better? Is it going to ease things at all? What if I make things worse? What if I can no longer make her laugh? Let's face it, my ability to make her laugh is one of the reasons she keeps me around!

I'm going off in a tangent.
Our appointment is in (... tries to do maths... pls hold) 8 1/2 hours (? I think? it's 1.15am. Appt at 9.45am).
I should probably go and cuddle up to my wife and try to get some sleep.
... I don't think she'll appreciate it if I wake her up just to make her laugh though, so I will hold off on my latest inappropriate cancer joke until we wake up in....... oh god. Not many hours.

GOOD NIGHT... (morning...)

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