And I haven't had a nap today. I was super active and I cleaned my flat and took the dog out twice when it was still light out and I could just jump up and down with joy and happiness.
What is wrong with you, Patricia?
Well. I usually reply with, "what is RIGHT with me?!" but that would defeat the purpose today. I feel so elated about getting up before noon - before NINE AM actually, thank you very much - because it hasn't happened in a while. When I told you yesterday how I would stay up until the early morning and then sleep half the day away, this was as recently as a few days ago.
So, this feels like a new life for me. It feels like I have uncovered a secret that has been so elusive, it needed years to reveal itself to me. I feel reborn. And I know I could feel differently tomorrow. That's okay. That's what it looks like when you're not just fat (because, clearly, that's the root of all my problems, right?! 🤪) but also have depression and anxiety paired with massive fears of abandonment and rejection.
Evening routines are the new morning routines
Say what now? It's true! I fully believe this is why it's finally working. I have been focusing on my morning rituals for YEARS. There are several things I do every morning and it takes me hours (yes, hours, take your judgement elsewhere). These things are vital to me and get me into the right mindset for the day.
However, my mindset will be fucked if I don't get some good rest at night (or none at all). I don't quite buy into the sleep before midnight being the best, but I do believe sleeping in the dark is more beneficial than during the day. Sorry, shift workers. I've been there. It sucks. Anyway, I established some evening rituals that are blending into a routine I think I can commit to for...ever basically. AND IT STARTED WORKING AFTER ONLY TWO DAYS!
It feels like magic. Mind you, it still feels like work and probably will for the next few days (weeks?). I may have some relapses here and there but I can feel I'm on the right track. It's the best feeling.
Energy levels on the rise
Not only was I quite active today, I also realised that I have energy today. Like, actual energy without being out of breath within two minutes. Granted, the first walk with Spot (that's my dog!) today was slightly painful. Huffing and puffing, not quite sure I'm enjoying it. But I survived and felt better than I had for weeks. Months, even.
Another thing that I had lost was the sheer joy of movement. I usually enjoy cleaning whilst blasting music and dancing my little heart out massively. The one time I tried these past few weeks, I was so out of breath from it that I almost regretted it. I was also only able to clean one room at a time before feeling knackered.
Today? Nothing of the sort! I cleaned and danced and walked and felt just so much relief and joy and happiness. I'm on the up, folks, I'm on the up.