So, I have eluded to a 'happening' of some sort that has led me on a new path and brought me an opportunity for some deep, soul changing perspectives. What that was, and you can believe me or not, was a dream. A visitation dream that turned me inside out and literally changed my path in life. I will give the dream, just as it is written in my dream journal and proceed to ramble about what shifted within me. I know that to some, I may sound like a crazy person but that is the power of my story, it's not for everyone.

What a visitation dream is, is when a person that has died, visits you in the dream state. From my personal experiences and how I can tell the differences between a visitation dream and a "normal" dream is the way I interact with the person that has died within my dream. If they are seen in a crowd, or not talking to me, I will interpret it as "normal" dream and know they are representing an aspect of my self. I have developed a space in my dream state that helps me identify a visitation. I will enter my dream and see a tree, kind of like the one in The Princess Bride that has the secret door to the torture chamber, full of knots and twisted, but grand. Upon that realization, I will become lucid within the dream and wait, just wait by the tree to see who needs to chat. I recognize this ability as a true gift, one that has helped solidify my knowledge of being more than just my physical body, that I am a soul. It has pushed me deeper in to what it means to be a soul trapped in a meat suit that is charged by electricity and made up of mostly water.

My personal experiences with visitation dreams and lucid dreaming began when I was very young. The deeper connection to my dreams began when I became a student at the School of Metaphysics almost five years ago. My passion for dreams began when I realized that the discipline of learning from dreams requires you to sleep, and that sounded awesome. I have had experiences with visitation dreams that have even become prophetic. My relationship with my dreams is deeply personal because it is my connection to Self, no one can tell you that your dream experiences aren't valid. That is why this dream fucked me up.


Visitation Dream- Grandma Hupke

I noticed the tree and waited. Grandma showed up and took my hands, looked at me for a bit and then hugged me tight. She told me "this is going to happen to you." When she was done saying that, the tree faded away and we were standing in a light blue room, pine flooring, and a giant window to my right with long white curtains that allowed light in, it was day time and really bright. Grandma pushed a chair up to me and I noticed it was my Grandpa's old chair and I watched at Grandma faded away. I sat down and noticed I was in the room with Austin, my mom, Aunt Brenda, Aunt Kim, and Uncle Brian. I told them that I was weak and sick and that my heart will only last two more weeks. I cried in Austin's arms while my mom tried to convince me to spend time with my loved ones. I was screaming at how it was unfair and I wasn't ready to die and that Grandma needed to come back to explain what was happening. EOD (end of dream).

As you can imagine, I woke up in a pure panic with my heart already racing and tears down my face. I was on the couch and it was 5am. I ran to the bed, woke up Austin and tried to explain the dream the best I could through gasps for air that seemed to avoid my lungs. I didn't want to die on Christmas.

After about an hour of absolute sobbing, denial, and freaking out, I had exhausted myself and was ready to write out my dream and sit with it. So that is what I did. As I did, my mind began to slow down and I kept writing.

I wrote down all I wanted to accomplish, pages upon pages of my hopes and dreams for myself. I realized it was something I have never done before. I never took the time to write out everything I ever wanted in one space. I have notebooks and journals laying around the house filled with quick scratches of what my hopes and dreams are, scattered. That is how I have felt for months prior to this dream. Searching for my purpose in every lesson without taking the time to get an entire picture. I read the pages over and over until I felt they held all my soul, but there was still so much fear within my heart.

What if I actually fucking die?!

The biggest ache in my heart was thinking about my son. Thinking about the pain and grief that accompanies the death of loved one and the possibility of my family having to experience that is what tore me apart.

I don't want to fucking die.

As a Death Doula, I was prepared to die as much as I could be in the physical. A folder with my end of life documents and final wishes has been kept for years now. I took them out to go over them. I found my binder full of notes from death and dying classes to see if I was missing anything. What I found was a little scribbled note that changed my whole perspective of my dream.

It was about the mortality rate of people that retire at the age of 65 and how that a large percentage of them will die within 18 months. What does that mean for people? Do we only exist to work? Next to that note was an asterisk with PURPOSE in all caps and traced over several times.

The reason purpose is important to living, is it gives you a direction or area of focus for your energy. The science that governs the physical world even speak to this, like Newton's laws of motion- an object at rest will stay at rest and an object in motion will remain in motion unless a force acts upon it. After retirement, it is understandable that a person might feel a loss to their sense of purpose. I will avoid going off on a garden trail of thought about how awful capitalism is on the collective consciousness for now, but for me, there is more to life than your career, your purpose is deeper than productivity and monetary value.

Relating this all back to my dream is through my search or my personal purpose. For the last two years, finding my purpose, my thing, was all I could think about. I wanted to know where I fit into this world in a way that would bring me a sense of passion and fulfillment. I made myself sick, literally physically sick, over the stress of feeling like I didn't belong.

In realizing how much I didn't want to fucking die and writing down all the things I wanted in life, I got a clear perspective on what it is I want from this life, what my purpose feels like. I know that my purpose isn't in a typical career, that whatever my stomach light is made up of, it doesn't hold a single desire to live a "normal" life. All my hopes and dreams involve some form of service. I know that as much as my existence is about me, my lessons and understandings, my purpose lies in being in service to others.

I desire to work hard in my garden and give my loved ones food, I desire to spend my days caring for land that will be a space for people to return back to the earth as well as a space to heal and grieve. I desire to use my life for the goodness of all concerned.

To think, it all started with a dream that gave me a Christmas expiration date. Another very important connection from the dream and into the physical, was the matter of the heart. I was born with a few abnormalities within my internal organ tissues related to medications given to my mother when she was pregnant with me to keep her from miscarrying. My heart is on the list of things that are just a bit off about me. Hearing that my heart will be the thing to give out and kill me wasn't a new thought or fear, the dream just brought attention to it.

I also have had past life readings that stated I died from heart complications within those life times. That never really stuck out to me until all I could hear was my inner voice screaming it at me. I also believe in the quantum mechanics of healing and how thoughts show up in the body as a dis-ease. Upon doing research, heart complications relate to not being content within the life. I could see within myself where I wasn't feeling good about my life, where I lacked in purpose and feeling like I wasn't doing enough to make the world a better place.

Another realization that hit me out of no where was when I was trying to distract myself by scrolling through internet rabbit holes and saw that there was also a big astrological event taking place, not within two weeks, but 10 days later, was the Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, on the winter solstice. It happened in the sign of Aquarius, closely relating to humanitarian efforts. For me, it's my whole thing at the moment. I'm here to serve.

As I continue to live, I'm going to continue to grow. Stay tuned.