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Acceptance and an accidental mantra

Acceptance and an accidental mantra

Apr 29, 2022

Content warning: this article discusses body image distortion and self-esteem

I had decided to share a little about my life with body image distortion, and realized that my timing was excellent -- May is mental health awareness month.

If you or a loved one are struggling, there are many resources available. Here are a couple (US-based):

National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline:

1-800-950-NAMI

In a crisis, text "NAMI" to 741741

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration helpline:

1-800-662-4357

National Eating Disorders Association: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://thebodypositive.org/

So far this has been a year of acceptance for me. On the surface, the idea of "acceptance" seems pretty easy and one dimensional... But I've learned that it's a lot more than I expected.

My biggest struggle in 2022 has been body image distortion and poor self-esteem. It has been confusing at times, and incredibly difficult. I've dealt with these issues for many years, and it waxes and wanes in terms of severity and impact on my daily life. This year it's just been pretty intense.

I have what I call "bad body days" -- and they're on a spectrum of badness. Some days are just a little miserable, bothered by my body or a "flaw" but able to still focus on life. Other days are terrible -- unable to look in the mirror, sensory issues forcing me to wear the loosest clothes I have, anxiety that literally makes nauseous, unable to focus on anything at all.

What's the most confusing about this is that I am physically the strongest and most body-aware that I've ever been. How can I hate myself so much it makes me sick at the same time? Mental disorders are cool like that and don't just stop when you think they should, I guess.

I didn't go into this year with some prefabbed idea that I was going to accept myself or something. And the concept of body neutrality was not new to me. But in the middle of a particularly bad slump -- several weeks of body image distortion so bad I could barely function -- I started an internal mantra. I didn't intend to. The mantra:

"This is my body today."

I've heard that if you consciously change how to talk to yourself, it becomes second nature. But I guess I'd never really understood my actual need for it, or how to apply to my life. But I started repeating to myself "this is my body today". I knew that my mind was spiralling and telling me bullshit lies, and it helped to remind myself of that. Bodies change daily, bodies change weekly, monthly, cyclically. It's okay to change. Fuck the little part of my brain that told me it wasn't.

This is my body today.

This is my body today.

It's been a few weeks of my accidental mantra and now when I look in the mirror, I find myself saying it unconsciously, looking with less judgement and more objectivity. I am training my brain into acceptance. I can still sense the bullshit and it certainly doesn't mean the issue is gone -- it will take constant vigilance to control it.

But damn. That accidental mantra really did something for me.

And it's put a lot into perspective for me about how I approach other aspects of my life. Who would've thought, a kinder and less judgemental gaze could help so much?

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