This felt too dark to publish in Medium. I'm not sure that I should publish it here, but I'm opting to show myself openly at this time.
Take care,
—G
Talking About Catastrophe
Is it inappropriate to
talk about anything
un-catastrophic?
To give it my energy,
when this can’t do
an ounce of good
for anyone?
I’ve shut myself in,
chosen to hide
from many
horrors.
What good am I when
external chaos grips
wholly my state
of mind?
It took twenty-seven
years to grapple
and win over
my own
pain.
It still manages to
beat me down
sometimes.
And my suffering could
never hold a candle
to that which
exists apart
from
me.
“Apart from
me.”
This feeling teaches me
the importance of
supporting those
in dire need.
And so I look at myself
deeply, and see the
extent of my
failure in
this regard.
I tell myself a day
will come when
I’ll be worthy
to act.
So far,
I ask myself
what I have to
offer anyone else.
I know the question is meant
to detract me into a mode
of limitless self-pity,
to internalize my
hopes and my
fears.
I know I have the means to
do better.
Maybe not financially yet,
but I have my words,
and I have my
body.
So I look deeper within still,
and search to determine
my strengths and
weaknesses.
Every person can’t be
useful in the same
way.
But what of finding the
conclusion that the
best I can do is to
take people
away?
The mind isn’t meant to
dwell on the negative,
it isn’t how humans
become their best.
And humans who don’t
become their best,
they can help
no one.
So where do we draw
the line?
Present-day horrors exist,
and awareness is needed
for anyone to do
anything
about
it.
But then, how are the
majority supposed
to fix problems
coming from
every
direction?
In my first ten minutes on
Medium today,
I witnessed
references
to the
Ukraine crisis,
extreme misogyny on Reddit,
illness and disease,
racism spanning across the globe,
the troubles of unhealthy
relationships…
I couldn’t suddenly help
but think about the
plight of homeless
people in my
town.
Or socioeconomic issues in
countries around the
world.
There are people being tortured
in horrific prisons.
Americans are fed harmful
materials illegal to put
in food elsewhere.
Pharmaceutical companies
get to place money into
educating the public
complete bullshit
about the
brain.
Politicians wage war by
sending the innocent
to their deaths.
Banks make billions of
dollars each year from
overdraft fees.
That’s money extracted
from people with less
than zero dollars
to their name.
Giant corporations pretend
to care about poverty by
asking the public
for pennies.
Fear of the unknown is exploited
in the hearts of the masses to
create hate and severe
separation between
all different types
of individuals.
The treatment of native communities
is commonly fucked.
The entertainment industry
is fucked.
The clothing industry
is fucked.
Doctors and dentists can't
all be trusted, even
if some of them
can be.
We've destroyed much of
the planet, and are
struggling to
balance the
damages.
We've inbred dogs
to the point of
causing severe
birth defects that cause
some of them to suffer from birth.
There are other wars going on,
at least three of which
right now are civil
wars.
Wars between people who
can't just share a fucking
space.
There are people wanting
revenge for crimes they
never suffered,
revenge on people
who had nothing to do
with the crimes
in the first
place.
All this is happening,
and I've spent my
life frustrated
over the state
of my parents' relationship.
At many points in my journey,
there could have been nothing
wrong in the world,
and I would still have felt
like breaking down
and crying for an end
to it all.
Being alive isn't always easy
even when life itself
is good.
At least, I once felt this
way.
But now I've put the time
and effort into understanding
how I could do better
for myself, to retrain
my mentality to handle
everything with less
strain and difficulty.
Now that I've succeeded, I
feel myself forced to wonder
by what right I should be okay.
Unless I'm to take advantage of
it to help someone else.
Perhaps I give myself too little credit,
as I do spread light and positivity for
many around me.
This statement reminds me of
the darkness I've also
propagated...
In many cases, I can't understand
the troubles faced by others,
or how to resolve them.
Every day,
I fail to make the difference
needed in this world.
Then I think to myself,
if I had more money,
then I could do it
all.
This thought is never left
without the nagging
fear that I would
never be
allowed to make such
difference.
Then I fall into yet another
rabbit hole, as I question
the reality of prayer
and manifestation.
Does every word I write
push forward the
scenes I just described?
Have I lived my entire life allowing
the negative forces surrounding
me to guide my every step
of the way?
Perhaps it would be wise
to declare my uncertainty
towards the validity
of anything I've written here
today.
Maybe I just want it known,
just incase you are real,
that I don't ignore
the darkness surrounding us
when I focus on
the light.
I want to release many works,
all ignoring the slightest
wrong around me or
anyone else in
the world.
I want to let that business be
handled by those who
would handle it with
or without me.
I want to spread the ideas which
could help heal our issues
WITHOUT addressing
them first.
I've never healed anything by
fixating on the injury for
being as such.
This is an awkward message,
coming partly from old
sections of my self.
I know I'm sliding into new
systems of thought that
don't allow for such
lamentation.
I'm to keep quiet,
to focus on the best
I can achieve.
There is so much more I would
tell...
Maybe you see a flaw in how I think;
I'm willing to hear
about it.
In all cases,
I'm done with this
riff.
If I made any sense here
today, then I'm not sure
if that's good or bad.
I'm not sure of anything
anymore.
If I am,
then I need to keep it to myself,
and take real action
instead.
My goal for 2022 -
I can't share it with you,
lest I never begin
on its path.