I applied for university because everyone else did, so I didn't know what I was doing with my life. However, business has always been a topic I've been good at, so I went along. For context, I had no idea I was autistic or diagnosed till my 20's.
I won't go into boring details about the accommodation process or course, don't worry! Instead, this post will focus on the autistic struggles I had without knowing.
Eighteen years old, 2017.
I went to an accommodation viewing. So hundreds of other students my age were there, and I was overwhelmed. I went with three other family members, which wasn't a good idea either. I felt lost and scared. I remember one of the tour guides trying to crack jokes with me and be 'mean' as banter, but my autistic takes everything seriously; I was overloaded with emotions and just wanted to go home. I remember being blunt and rude back, and I couldn't handle it.
At this time in my life, I was also with my abusive boyfriend (I have written a post about him here). Who was weirdly jealous of me and didn't say anything positive or encouraging about me moving and going to university?
Moving & first day at the flat.
After moving my things in, I felt lost and overwhelmed. I didn't feel like I belonged. My flatmates seemed like they had something in order and like they were comfortable. I did not feel good here.
My flat felt like a prison, £150 per week for a small en-suite that looked like it was from the 90s and roaches spotted now and then.
The kitchen space tended to be dominated by other flatmates, so I kept a kettle, cutlery and lots of noodles/snacks in my room.
I caught the flu, and a week in, I moved flats. My flatmates had parties till 6 am, strangers around and didn't ask for consent. Loud music and bringing one-night stands home. To say it was weird is an understatement.
My new flatmates kept to themselves. I am trying to remember their names. However, one of the girls brought friends around for dinner and dominated the kitchen area a lot. I never felt safe or at home.
I missed my first week of university, which made my foundations crumble. I didn't want to go in and not know everyone; of course, I assumed everyone would know each other by now, and I would be alone and left out, like my two years of sixth form.
Tutor and seminars I never attended. I only went to lectures. I sat alone; I made no course friends. I was far too shy. I did not belong.
I was constantly anxious about attending university, and my attendance was awful. Finally, I met with a top staff member about this, who spent the whole time essentially scolding me.
She wrote of my "anxiety" entirely and threatened that I would be kicked out if it continued.
I tried to do it in the big hall at exam times. I sat down. I started having a panic attack. I got up, grabbed my bag and left crying. I returned to my flat and cried, emailing staff about the situation.
I got proof of my anxiety (undiagnosed autism) and was referred to a disability team who helped me stay out of exam halls; I passed and did well in my exams. Despite struggling and barely attending classes, I also got good grades in my essays.
All the learning I did was self-teaching from the lectures/seminars uploaded to the portals. I couldn't attend.
The only friends I did make were through a flatmate Facebook chat, where I felt more comfortable. Still, I had many toxic bad experiences with those people and only kept one friendship.
The second year of university started. I stayed home this time and was offered taxis to get to the university. I couldn't handle this, and in October, I had a breakdown due to OCD and dropped out.
I felt so lost, and none of the staff helped me. I am 40K in debt with no degree. I feel as though I was mistreated and not supported.
The university is Manchester Metropolitan University.