I thought I would share this as it may help others to relate and help me process the lead-up to my autism diagnosis. The battle I went through and the request.
Young Years/Toddler: (age four till 8)
being extremely clingy to mum and would hide behind her,
was shy of everyone
who hated being touched, and would hurt people who invaded my space.
hated hugs
read the same books & did the same activities over and over for comfort
and quiet
felt alone and depressed. Didn't understand why.
Had a few very close friends.
Child ( 9+)
extremely blunt, rude, outspoken
had no filterargued with everyone (for dopamine?)
wasn't liked by classmates for this
suffered from nausea before school and threw up a lot from anxiety.
had intense hobbies
copied others to 'fit in.'
would have panic attacks but didn't know what they were, never told anyone
High School Years
Argued and fell out with almost everyone
Started self-harming and feeling suicidal.
I had one or two excellent friends who understood me.
Didn't fit in.
I was referred to CAMHS and school counsellors. Unfortunately, they didn't listen to my concerns or feelings about my MH and told them something was going on more than just anxiety.
Anxiety and panic attacks crept back in at age 14.
I tried hypnotherapy, which cost my mum a lot. However, she was desperate to help and keep me in school during this period.
Attendance plummeted, went home 'sick', and avoided school.
Felt like a failure. Bad grades, no matter how hard I tried. I cried and had meltdowns a lot; I didn't know it was a meltdown at the time.
I didn't understand what was 'wrong' with me.
I couldn't do exams in the big hall. I had panic attacks and had to go into a small room to do them.
Sixth Form/University. (16-20)
Sixth form/College aged 16:
Yet again had no friends, no matter how hard I tried.
Kept to myself. Had awful attendance again.
I had to work from home by the end of the second year.
I couldn't handle going in.
I started local counselling but felt like it didn't help.
I started my first job with the public, only lasted a few weeks as I felt stage fright talking to people. After that, I couldn't handle it.
Did work experience at college, which lasted 4 hours.
I went home crying from exhaustion; I thought I was just anxious and lazy.I am easily manipulated and love-bombed by others.
University:I never went in—submitted work. I got good grades despite this.
Refused to do group work.
Felt locked in a prison by accommodation, made no friends and fell out with the ones I had.
I thought I had BPD.
Dropped out of university.
19+ Adult Years.
Ended an abusive relationship.
Obsessive intrusive thoughts started. I had a breakdown and spent time in a mental health ward.
I still didn't understand what was "wrong with me".
Anxiety and depression are at an all-time high. Suicidal.
I tried to work again, lasted a month.
I started having heart palpitations there and had the stage fright feeling again.Got into self-employment.
At around age 21, my sister's boyfriend said he thought I might have autism due to my lack of joke understanding, sarcasm and bluntness.
As my family and I looked into the symptoms more, we realised I could. So my mum referred me to be assessed.
If you would like a post about my assessment, please let me know and support me!