Jun 27, 2022
2 mins read
Today i realized that i don't feel comfortable with me anymore. I don't like art style that I've made. I don't know, do anyone like it at all? I feel devastated, i had too many plans, because i need to many money to cover basic needs. My computer is going to die in year of two, Vanya started to learn vector in illustrator and we figured out that his computer is too weak to let him work properly. I have two teeth that must be fixed, but i don't have money for that. We need to make driver license for Vanya, and we want to buy a car, because its fucken war out there, traffic is crazy, if we will need to escape from the country in case of a terrible bombing and not leave the cat and important things, like computers that we need for work, we need to have our own transport, at least the cheapest. I hardly make 200-300$ in month, but i need 500,or even 1000, and i need to do so much things that im going mad.
Pixelart portfolio, modern stylish animation, modern stylish illustration, lettering, cover making, learn how to use colors, i still can't get it, i need followers to be seen, to have an opportunity to sell adopt or few. I even wanted to make comic, but i don't have time to do things that don't give me money right now. I learned so many damn things, and it's still not enough. I can't get the order that i want on upwork, competition is too big. I'm so tired and sad that i can't do even simple planing anymore, i feel so frustrated, god damn shit.
And after i wrote all this in my diary, Kremenchuk event happened. Russian missile hit the mall in the center of Kremenchuk city. I'm just mentally dead because of it, my dear friend, an artist @Lanc_Dalen on twitter, my metalhead bro, was near the place of explosion, with his cat. He could die there. Luckily he is ok.
I just spend the rest of my day crying and cleaning the house to distract myself, no work, no planing, just getting my shit together.
When i writhe about war, people unfollow. Today 2 unfollowed. Yea i know, they followed me for art, and there is no art anymore, just hate and war. But i can't stop write about war, there is a fucking war around me. I can't escape from it, i can't ignore it, it affects every aspect of my life.
Food prices are +30%, fuel prices are +100%, fuel is in deficit, there are terrible queues at gas stations, they pour a limited amount for each car.
I wish I could take my mind off it all, but I just can't afford it =(