Feb 19, 2022
1 mins read
I'm still around - such as I am - and I'm still writing. Mostly working on "A Tangle of Roses", but "Mailene" is getting some love every few days as well.
I am sorry that I haven't been able to get to you guys and gals and enby pals. I'm still around, just coping with the pain and the lack of answers from the medical community. Having a name to put to this would make such a difference... I could get treatment, I could see specialists, I wouldn't feel like such an imposter and failure.
Yes, I'm slipping into a bit of a depression over this. I am in this for the long haul, but I am nervous that my medical team... isn't. I'm so used to doctors running a few tests and then just shrugging their shoulders and telling me that they don't know what to do, leaving me with no answers and so many more questions. I don't want that. NOBODY wants that.
My smile has cracks in it these days. My mask is slipping. I'm starting to lose cohesion -- coming apart at the seams I tried so hard to stitch together -- and I don't think I'll be able to glue it back together this time. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's time to show what I'm really like under all this "niceness". Under the jokes, under the smiles and kind words of encouragement for everyone else. Maybe it's time to let the monster loose.
I don't want to lose people, but I'm so damn tired all the time. I just don't have the energy to keep this mask in place anymore. If I lose people, I lose people. I can't hold onto all of you anymore. It's just too much for my brain and heart -- they're already on fire from so much work just to function.