Dec 27, 2022
4 mins read
I thought I'll post this on my birthday but well the year is ending and I became nostalgic. So here goes:
Eat alone in a cafe. Try it, but don't force it. I would ask fat/plus size women like me to just try it. Because you will observe your relationship with food, your body, with other strangers who are NOT staring at you (trust me). It is an experience in itself. You can also try drinking alone in a restaurant- I have only done that once when a man broke my fucking heart. I asked the service staff to give me a paper because I was tired of writing on the tissue paper. I texted two of my best friends and I was okay.
Love your friends - I mean it, love your friends - choose them wisely. We are not aiming at unconditional love- we are aiming at someone who sees us, as we are and accepts it. There will be close friends you are in touch with every day and other close friends you meet/talk once a year but the bond is the same, and even then, I still feel, we need to be seen and heard by them. We also need to reciprocate. Please don't expect from people what you yourself can't give- or you know, do that and maybe it will work, or not.
Not all friends stay though. Some people leave. Some people need to leave. You expect some friends to stay forever in your life, be your bridesmaid, call them in case your date turns out to be a jerk, call them when your family doesn't get you, call them to have an intellectual banter you can't have with anyone else, call them to talk about other women you love and hate and yet somehow, they don't stay. It will hurt like a bitch and you won't/can't be prepared for it. The grief will spread out though, trust me, it will. It will seep into your thoughts, your dreams, your music, random memories will pop up and yet, you will be able to stand tall. It's also perfectly okay to cry every night because you miss them.
Small things that bring us joy- be it Christmas postcards, funky earrings, colourful socks, pretty stationery etc, we need to keep them close to us. I don't think we can keep waiting for BIG, happy moments to happen to us so when there are opportunities to invite joy in our life, seize them.
Counting the number of people you liked and then in the end, felt rejected by only invites more shame I feel. There is no shame in being rejected over and over, only heavy disappointments. There is this therapy episode of Carrie from SATC where her therapist tells her that something must be wrong with her, since she is the one 'choosing' all these men who are clearly wrong for her. I shared the clip with my therapist, only to thank her for not being like the other one, she told me that I am too kind. Then she told me something more profound: no one gets to tell you that you are the reason why suffering came your way. I found reassurance in that message since I was pretty tired of my failed relationships.
Also, lust doesn't sustain. It doesn't, it's actually sad and I know why that happens too. I read somewhere that some people are just good at sex and it doesn't have to mean anything more, yup, okay. And yes, situationships suck your energy, choose wisely whether you want to stay with no labels or leave, because, of course, we deserve better.
Sometimes all we want is to be held and sometimes there won't be anyone nearby, so the pillow works or your pet or your own arms around yourself, the point is to make yourself feel loved.
There will be days where after your breakdown/huge sad moments, you will feel this is the lowest you can be at, but life will surprise you or maybe people will, but it can get a lot worse, okay, and also, you will get up the next day and life will move on. I find storing sadness is a tiring job, so I share it with people who care about me or just do something so that this moment can be put out into the world (I don't mean fighting with your friends or hurting other people lol). But day after day, it will decrease in proportion, I don't like to make false claims that "one day, it won't even matter," nope. It will always matter, because you loved and you lost and that's not easy to be forgotten.
May the next few days of this year be filled with peace and happiness for you guys <3.