Fuck.

I stare at my bedroom ceiling. I am trying to meditate but thoughts keep surfacing. Try as I might, I cannot stop my thoughts and achieve a quiet mind.

It’s 2015. I have just graduated college and moved across the country to pursue a cool job on an organic farm. I’m often sad, lonely. I didn’t realize that graduating college and starting adult life would be one of the hardest things I’ve done. I cry most nights, missing my friends. I try to make new friends. I try dating. Trying and trying and hitting walls.

I have a regular yoga practice, and have meditated before during class. I read articles about how meditation is “good for you.” I figure this practice is thousands of years old, and I can benefit from it. Why not?

But I cannot make my mind quiet. I feel like I am bad at meditating. I struggle to stay still.

I discover the Headspace app. Because I am an achiever at heart, I tackle the 30 day challenge. I meditate for 10 minutes a day for 30 days. Andy, the meditation guide, has such a nice voice. He even lets my thoughts wander at the end!

I learn, slowly, that you do not need to quiet the mind to have a successful meditation practice. I learn that meditation is to watch this one life. I learn about awareness, about the breath and about my emotions. I still feel waves of...well, feeling. But I become wiser about my thoughts.

This page is for the people who are “bad at meditating.” It’s for those of us who can’t sit still. Who are too anxious to meditate. Who are achievers. Who worry. It’s also for people who want to know more about meditation.