Night two of bad dreams about my husband. Last night, I woke up crying, great big, fat tears running down my face, sobbing into my pillow. Tonight I jerked awake and got up, like my body physically couldn't bear lying there another second. Right after my husband passed, I had quite a few nightmares and trippy "haunted" dreams. I had thought those were gone.
Guess not. It makes me wonder at the nature of mourning, how our brains sort of stutter and pop a memory right smack dab in the middle of the day, or how our subconscious manages to keep us looped into that grief even when we think we have moved on a little. I feel the unpresence of him. A song came on and it triggered a memory, and I smiled at the memory, then my smile wobbled and tears choked me.
Now it is raining. Seems appropriate. As if I don't have a leaky roof to worry about, or a car that needs work... or even just the day to day of animal care and paying bills or getting a chance to sit and write. Now I have this anomalous grief jumping out and grabbing me when I am actually trying to sleep, or when I'm driving...
I'm wondering if grief causes madness or the madness is in thinking the grief will go away.