Jun 01, 2021
60 mins read
Stealing my own aunt full story!
Chapter 1_My father with the days numbered.
My extreme impulsiveness took me to a path that I never imagined I did not remember how I had committed the crime, the only thing I knew I would do all over again to save my father, after all his time was running out because he urgently needed treatment if he would not die , so I did what I did and would do it all over again, I thought as I downed my cigarette during my sunbath, I remember exactly when this story started.
When I got up, my only company was the hangover, how much impulsiveness, I thought, when I noticed that my sister was as impulsive as I was, seeing her sleeping peacefully, like a baby due to too much alcohol. When I looked in the mirror to brush my teeth, I noticed that I was still put on with mascara on the bottom of my eyes, smeared lipstick and I still tasted the whiskey that remained on my palate, for this reason I realized how much I acted before thinking , because instead of studying as I should I allowed myself in an impulsive act to drink with my friends from college and my sister.
Ana watched me with tired eyes as she vomited and said: – We drink too much my sister, I have a hellish hangover, I was irresponsible and impulsive just like you.
My stomach was upset, my bed seemed to be spinning, I soon found myself hugging the vase, holding my long curly hair, while putting everything out, looking with my brown eyes at the damage that had consumed me the night before.
I knew that the only thing that would bring me the relief I so longed for would be to drink again to appease that torment.
I swallowed a cigarette impulsively, took a sip of beer, went back to sleep.
When I realized it was already night, I swallowed again, while I watched the beauty of the starry night through the window and felt the wind caress my skin.
While inhaling the combination of aromas of ginger and at the moment I impulsively prepared a tea for my father, the one who lived up to the word happiness, because of him had good memories, it was worth missing a day of school to take care of him.
I went into his room, the white walls were stained, my father Fernando was lying in his torn blue pajamas, he didn't look like the same man who owned a large law firm, I adjusted his blanket while supporting the tea on the dresser and handed him .
He watched me with his brown eyes and said: – Thank you for being kind to me, making me some tea. Did you miss class, my favorite impulsive? I didn't need to, I told you that tomorrow I'll be better, despite my fear.
-I'm sure it does- I say impulsively.
He smiled revealing his yellowed teeth. I selected one from the tangle of books he had next to his bed, I started to read aloud, I knew about his love of reading, so I wanted to help him relax by reading one of his favorite books.
_Do you remember when I was little and I read to you? – He asked.
_Of course, I longed for that moment of ours, that I would no longer feel alone in this house, you were the only one who remembered my existence, I remember the aroma of your whiskey glass, your woody perfume, how I traveled in the narrative you told , from the sound of his hoarse voice, I felt welcomed, loved, as a child should feel at home.
I kissed his forehead, then he hugged me, the lamp was on, there was a crack in the open window, that's where I was surprised by a beautiful moth.
-I'm afraid Agnes, kill her. – He said.
_She came because she is attracted to the light, no need to kill. – I answer impulsively.
I turned off the light, watched her come back through the same crack that had come in, while my father was afraid of the darkness that invaded his room. I switched on the lamp, heard the sound he made when I closed the window and watched him close his eyes as I leaned against the door. Another ten minutes I thought, being impulsive, again I could feel the whiskey on my palate, in addition to the hangover, which seemed to have a hammer hitting my head.
The guilt of having drunk too much, laziness consumed me, I realized how irresponsible I was when I saw my sister who was still lying in bed, even though I knew I should get up. I downed my cigarette then made a scrambled egg, I could smell its delicious aroma the moment I went up the stairs, which seemed eternal with each step, because of my fear of putting all my effort on the floor.
_Are you feeling better? – I asked.
_No need to worry, I told you, thanks for the breakfast, it's wonderful. – He said.
I could hear the sound of his chewing while admiring my father feeding, when he finished supporting his plate on the dresser, he fiddled with his own short brown hair trying to fix it with his hands, when he coughed a blood red over his white duvet. My eyes widened impulsively as well as his. I felt as if I were squeezing my heart with my own hands, squeezing it like an orange.
_Dad, this can't be just the flu, you need to go to the doctor.
_Do not be naive, I need to be honest, the truth is that I was irresponsible in thinking that I could hide it, I have a few days to live, I was afraid of having a terminal and inoperable lung cancer and I cannot afford the treatment, being so my days are numbered – counted.
Chapter 2_Luke's Declaration.
-Why did you only count now? – I asked impulsively.
_I was afraid of your reaction, Agnes needs to grow up, I don't know how long I will last yet, maybe it won't be today or will last a few more days. – He confessed.
_Not talk like that. – I asked impulsively.
I hugged him tightly, I felt my eyes fill with water, listening to those words made me completely lose my ground, he was everything, my only company in that family, the only one who would be sincere with me when he said I should grow up, I needed to change.
Completely alone I admired that beautiful gray house, with large white windows, I felt with a dagger in my chest, I admired the stars, everything seemed lifeless, I didn't know what to do.
My sister Ana looked at me with her blue eyes and said: – Do you still believe that everything will be all right, impulsive lady? we have the clock against us and daddy without treatment.
_I believe it!
_Wake up he will not survive, we have no way to pay without treatment, both you and I, we will have to grow up, your excess of optimism prevents you from seeing the truth, did everything work out in your childhood by chance? And, why would I give it now? – She said impulsively.
I remembered the pain when my mother burned her cigarette on my skin for no reason.
Instead of being in class, I found myself dragging a cigarette impulsively, while drinking another beer with my friends from college and my sister in a common bar near where I studied, it had not changed yet it remained inconsequential and the worst had already become a routine.
Now I had a bigger reason, I was worried about my father's health and not knowing how much more time I would have by his side, he would slowly kill me, the clock was against me and I needed to do something, I thought impulsively.
I took another drink and my impulsive restless mind repeated my father's sentence, that I should grow up, but I didn't know how to be an adult, that was the truth.
I woke up with a tremendous hangover, while I heard Ana throwing up in the bathroom, I swallowed hastily and saw my clothes from the previous days lying on the bed, mixed with my comforter in just one mess, as we were impulsive.
I needed to change, I thought about it while drinking my coffee, I felt the bitterness in my palate, its strong aroma. When I remembered that our aunt was coming to visit us. She appeared with her tired brown eyes and said: – I need an urgent accountant I was irresponsible and I recently opened the jewelry store with my partner and I don't know how to manage and I didn't hire an accountant.
You could intern at your company if you left. – I say impulsively.
She would drive you crazy, be late, not go to work because it is raining, the truth is that she needs to grow up, just like me, we are both irresponsible and impulsive. – Ana speaks.
I went, too, when I didn't hire an accountant, we could try, can't we, Agnes? I need help, including to prove to your sister that you can be responsible and your father told me that he needs you to work in the office while he is sick. – Said my aunt
I'm going to love helping you aunt, I'm good at it.
Then agreed, your schedule will be from 9 am to 6 pm, so you can go to College afterwards. It will be good for her, thank you Aunt Marines, you can leave it, I will take care of my father's law firm. – Ana said.
I woke up scared when I looked at what time it was, I saw that both Ana and I were late, we were not good at being responsible. I watched my own room through a maze of clothes piled up, it felt like an earthquake had passed through the intense chaos. Just like my head that was hammering because of the significant hangover, everything spun, I dragged myself to the bathroom and vomited, no matter how much I wanted to change it was just an irresponsible impulsive.
I brushed my teeth, took a sip of whiskey on the rocks and swallowed a cigarette impulsively, while I clutched all my clothes to work, my irresponsibility screamed at every attitude of mine.
When all I saw was, Marines gave me a dismissive look and said: – Is this time? How much impulsiveness. You are more than an hour late, this is your office, you can start working.
In college I was not late, despite the temptations of my friends asking me to go to the bar, both me and my sister, we resisted. I got up without a hangover, it was a small victory, but I already felt a little more responsible, I drank my coffee, I felt its taste on my palate, in addition to its strong aroma, I swallowed my cigarette, this time I arrived on time.
Marines fussed with his beautiful curly hair with his thin hands.
When a handsome man came towards us, he looked like Vagner Moura, very hot.
This is my partner, my niece. – She said impulsively.
I was unable to answer anything at all but nod, while my thoughts were lost on those beautiful lips. My heart was racing, my hands were sweating. Now I had a bigger reason to arrive on time, Lucas, my aunt's cat partner.
Although I was an excellent accountant, my mind was perverted, all I saw was Lucas, imagining his kisses, his touch, while I felt my panties get wet impulsively.
I closed my eyes, smelling the rain, I could hear the drops hitting my bedroom window, while I felt the shower water running through my body, while touching me thinking about Lucas.
My room was wet due to my impulsiveness to leave the window open, when looking at the time it was late again.
During my thoughts, I decided not to go to class, when I inhaled a cigarette. I'm ready at the right time at the store, I was aware that he was my boss, on top of that he had a girlfriend.
But I don't send it, in my heart, I wanted him, without his consent, my hands were sweating, when he was around, I could smell the citrus scent of his perfume, even before entering my office.
Lucas was a man who was always busy, his life was all about that shop working, so that according to him he could help support his mother. He admired the way he saw life, optimistic, determined, adventurous, always working.
When I greet him, I notice his white skin, brown eyes overworked, straight brown hair, rather large nose, small mouth, his thumb on his right hand, has an isolated malformation called brachydactyly.
I'm alone, just me, the papers and the office. My thoughts impulsively, focused only on work.
Soon I notice that my mind goes elsewhere, Lucas, just thinking about him, my hands sweat, my body temperature increases, my heart accelerates.
I know that he is my boss, I can't, I shouldn't think about him. However, it is difficult to avoid.
I was late again, I was impulsive, but I was there, with the paperwork, in my hands, looking at him.
Admiring the handsome man, who was also my boss.
I couldn't imagine how much I wanted him as insects are attracted to light.
My body gives me over, my knees shake, my body temperature rises, my hands sweat cold.
_Agnes? – Lucas calls me, at that moment I'm literally daydreaming.
_Let's have lunch together? – He invites.
I grab my bag, head to a restaurant near the store. I know that not the slightest possibility when he calls me any malice on his part, after all he has a girlfriend and it would be impulsive on both sides if we gave in.
_I finished. – Lucas says unsure.
Still surprised, I am in shock.
_Your girlfriend? – I question impulsively.
_Yes, I'm unsure of being in love with someone else.
_I can't imagine who your new love is, but I'm sure I'm not.
Will not you say anything? – He asks.
_I forgot that you are insecure, I'm happy for you. – I mean. I lie so naturally, I even believe it, in my own words.
_I know, I shouldn't mix professional with personal, I really tried to resist, I know it's insecure, but I really couldn't ignore it, but my heart. – He says. I think for whom this statement would be.
_Say something, this silence is killing me. – Lucas says.
_Are you one of the sales people? – I ask.
_Seriously, didn't notice.
I'm crazy about you, Agnes, I don't get you out of my thoughts. – He confesses. My will was previously fulfilled, now impulsive that I confess what I feel.
Chapter 3_Discovering who Lucas' girlfriend was.
_Me too. – I say impulsively.
Lucas smiles at the answer. We left there, we went to his office, he gave me a passionate kiss, with the taste of that cinnamon trident. dominance, dead end, tie me with a rope, kiss my face softly, bite my lips again, kiss me again, feel your tongue inside my mouth, kiss my shoulders, take my shirt off, unbutton my bra, he put his hands on them , licked them hard, I groaned. He went down with his lips on my thin belly, licked my sexual organ and I came. He put me on the table throwing all his paperwork on the floor and penetrated me, then he came.
I returned home floating with a smiling heart, of such happiness.
I was alone in my office with the paperwork, when my aunt came in she looked at me and said: – I feel like the teacher charging the student, so that he does his homework, I need him to catch up on his job.
_I'm sorry, aunt, I will solve this. – I mean.
Lucas pulled me into the office, handcuffed me, kissed my body, licked my breast and my intimate part, penetrated me, came quickly for fear of being caught, we gave the famous quickie, then we went out to lunch and Lucas pulled me by the hand, then he kissed me. It was happening again, I knew it was impulsive to continue with Lucas, but we were a couple.
Nobody knows that I am having an affair with him, this is pure impulsivity, after all it is risky for me to lose my job, however, we continue to be irresponsible when we kiss hidden in the office, sometimes we go hand in hand, looking sideways, afraid of being caught, the extreme of impulsiveness.
In the store we act normal, as if nothing had happened, certainly the salespeople and the security guard did not notice that something had changed.
We're having an affair, right under their nose.
I arrived at work late, it was difficult to change my impulsive behavior, I missed class because Lucas wanted my family to meet his, I know it was irresponsible, but we were definitely dating, I decided that his mother Julia should meet my family.
She is white, she has dyed blond hair, brown eyes, Lucas said she was a woman of the home, she always lived for him and his father, loving, however, she always complained about life in general, who supported her today was he with the profit from the jewelry store.
My mother greets you, as does my father. When Ana goes down, to do the same, she looks with a face of astonishment.
What are you doing here, Lucas? – She says.
_Do you already know each other? He's my boyfriend, who I was going to bring to the family to meet.
– I ask impulsively.
But it was just what was missing, getting a boyfriend for Ana, and you stole it from her, how much inconsequence and impulsivity, excellent time for that, your father with cancer being unable to receive treatment and now you do that._Helena says.
_I didn't steal, nobody, it happened, we are in love, even because the fact that he was dating her, I didn't know. – I mean.
_Let's go, my son! – Julia says.
Chapter 3_Finishing with Lucas.
Lucas says goodbye, just obeys his mother. Ana goes up to the room, locks herself there. I knock on the door, it opens.
My sister is sorry, I didn't know it was his girlfriend, I was impulsive bringing it home without asking. – I say.
"But now you know, what are you going to do, impulsive lady? We already have the question of Dad and now that," Ana says.
"I fell in love with him, but we can't be together," he said impulsively.
It's okay, I confess I got scared, but we were getting to know each other, I stayed with him more because Mom insisted. – She says impulsively.I'm really sorry. – I asked impulsively.
I'm going to lie down, wondering how I'm going to do this, having to break up with my first boyfriend, quitting my first job. I was never a scandalist, I didn't like to attract attention, I waited for the girls to leave, instead of going to work, I just took my things, cleaned the office.
I didn't even have much of my own, just pens, notebooks taking notes, which I left there, as a control, of the tasks I had to do, I said goodbye to my aunt. I hugged Lucas tightly, some tears fell from my eyes, I know he was irresponsible, but I kissed him goodbye, touched those lips one last time, knew I would never take his hand again, laugh at his jokes, or kiss his mouth .
This terrified me, I already missed it, even before I left my body.
_Are you breaking up with me? – Lucas asks uncertainly.
_We can't be together after what happened.
_You are right my impulsive – He agrees.
_Thinking of stealing my aunt's jewelry to pay for my father's treatment. Get out of there, with my things, Lucas takes me home, I know I was irresponsible, but I give one last kiss goodbye, go up to the bathroom, just crying, felt like my heart had been ripped out, the pain I felt was so great, I could not bear to be without it. I already miss you, staying at my house without working, doesn't help me either.
Everything is a reason to think about him. My thoughts were filled with our moments together, my mind told me to walk away, but my impulsiveness wanted to stay.
At least Ana seems to be calmer now, I know she didn't ask me for anything, but I knew it was the right decision to make. She seems to forgive what happened, our relationship is back to normal.
Now I could be called responsible, I have been working properly, it became routine I arrive on time, today was no different, I have been going to class, I am not going to the bar anymore and I broke up with Lucas it would be unwise for me to continue with that relationship, I thought later my house.
I looked at Ana and said: – I know she was upset, because of what happened with Lucas, but we are sisters I'm sure I already forgive myself, her attitude shows this, where I'm working now is not luxurious like the office of the store our aunt, but rather dusty, with some old books, but the fact that I could read at least was not in danger of falling in love again, because now Dolores, a somewhat ambitious lady, despite her age, was big dreams, her long white hair, prescription glasses, her clothes didn't match, a little awkward to dress, she was my boss, I love that, we had afternoon tea, with cheese bread, we talked about her ambitions .
_Tell me more. – She asks impulsively.
_It is a small suet, in a very busy street, full of old books, neat, perfect for a fresh start. – I'll tell you.
I am happy for you, I believe you have finally grown, you are more mature and responsible.
_Thank you, my sister you have also been responsible, you have arrived on time, gone to college, right, we are both being responsible. – I said.
I was at work being responsible, when I got a call, my sister was on the other end of the phone.
_Dad is in the ICU. – She says.
My eyes filled with water and I said: – I'm going.
_Would it be irresponsible of you to leave now you are not working? – She says.
_I know, but it could be my last minutes with my father, nothing else matters and apparently not for you either, because he was also irresponsible when he left work and went to visit Dad at the hospital. – I mean.
I felt completely lost, as if what I loved the most escaped my hands, my father, the only one who never distinguished between me and my sister, closed my eyes, remembered many happy moments that I shared with him, like when he he read his books to me in his office, or when he brought my favorite ice cream, even after arriving tired from work, he gave me a tight hug.
I didn't even think much, just headed for the hospital, being totally irresponsible.
Seeing him in bed, intubated, was like having one of my biggest nightmares.
Still anesthetized, in the hospital room, my sister came to meet me.
_We can't afford to pay for Dad's treatment, this is nothing new, because his company went bankrupt, I know it was irresponsible to hide it, but I only managed to tell it now and what has changed is that the doctor said he can't wait any longer, being so unfortunately we lost our father- She said as her eyes filled with water.
_Don't talk like that let's find a way Daddy will have your treatment, you acted irresponsibly when you lied all this time, I'm going to a bar to cool my head down with me? – I mean, while my eyes filled with water again.
Of course _Says Ana impulsively that she keeps herself from crying too.
The bar, although normal, seemed somber as my heart was, pure darkness, between one sip and another I felt the pleasure on my palate, in addition to the strong aroma of alcohol, when without realizing it I hastily spoke out loud: – I will rob the store my aunt to at least have my father a few more days by my side or maybe even save him, he needs to receive treatment, I can't wait any longer, I'll do it for him.
Chapter 5_I don't remember what happened, what a hellish hangover.
My sister, wide-eyed, said, "Do you hear what you're saying?" I would be arrested, don't be impulsive and irresponsible, what happened so well?
I see her being as irresponsible as I am when I drink too much.
_I love Dad and having a few more days or more time with him is the only thing that really matters, I am capable of everything, being irresponsible, impulsive, to have a little more of his company, in my life, he needs the treatment, this way I get the money for it is still breaking except my dad- I spoke.
Dad's life is as important to you as it is to me, but I believe there are limits, which I don't want to break being so irresponsible. – Ana says.
How good my sister, I can't say the same, I will be irresponsible, Dad will have his treatment I will save him or I will be arrested trying, you also seem to be being very irresponsible drinking like that, it seems that you are building up the courage to do something.
I felt the pleasure of impulsiveness and another sip of whiskey, I woke up with a hellish hangover, when I went to wash my face, I saw my yellow travel bag, when I opened the jewels and money, I didn't know how it got there .
Chapter 6_No information about my father's health.
Despite hearing the sound of the other fangs rising, she remained lying down with sheer impulsiveness. Challenging who would have the audacity to ask me to get up, my eyes were heavy, I hate getting up so early, so I yawned. I remained there impulsively without moving, I was still sleepy, it was six in the morning. It seemed that I was in the army, they destroyed my power of choice before my eyes, I could do nothing.
Through the opening of the cell, I received French bread and butter, now I can't even choose what I want to eat, just like a dog, being fed with food, impulsively drank only coffee, I felt its bitterness on my palate, in addition to its strong aroma.
My mind was hammering like my father would be, would it have been worth it to have done what I did? Or would it have been all in vain my impulsiveness questioned me.
I admired the sky, the sun's rays touched my skin, I felt the wind, the smell of my cigarette, the taste on my palate that was already so familiar, relieved me of the fact that I had lost everything, the pleasure of eating, having the the comfort of my bed, Lucas's kisses, my job. While my sister continued to enjoy the privileges she always had, I am here in this hell.
I woke up after the other prisoners again revealing my impulsiveness, I can't stand eating the same bread and butter any more, every morning, I'm sick, I miss it when it could vary sometimes I have the luxury of making my breakfast in a bakery, eating, for example, a loaf of bread. cheese.
I sit on the floor, in this courtyard I feel as if the opportunity to be living my life, has just been taken away, now all I have left is this new agonizing routine. I have no friends here, but colleagues in the same situation, some white, others black like me. Today in particular I am happy because tomorrow, it will be a visiting day, I have no idea if someone will come, but just the possibility, it already makes me happy. I had tremors in my hands in the morning, my body was longing for alcohol, when I realized I was scared.
Impulsively I drank a little more coffee, while between swallows I tried to remember, how I got here, all I remember is waking up with a tremendous hangover, with no memories of what happened during that night.
It's finally Sunday, I think. I'm excited, I don't know if I'm going to have someone to visit, but hope is the last to die. When I see her impulsively, I take her to sit on a bench.
_Sorry friend, ask you, why are you here, my head can't accept it, I think about our friendship, our past together, when we turned until we were dizzy, I'm afraid of you here – Eduarda says.
_I can't even explain how I got here, I woke up stunned, I had that hangover, lying on my bed, I noticed that under it, I had a yellow suitcase, when I opened it I had some jewels, as well as money inside, the police arrived, I impulsively took over. – I will.
_"Did you rob a jewelry store? You weren't afraid," she asks.
Yes! I said impulsively.
_But it doesn't make sense, why didn't you run away? – Eduarda speaks.
I said: – I don't remember the order that happened, my addiction is to blame, I'm afraid, of what I'm capable of when I mix alcohol with my impulsiveness
Eduarda said: – Was it so impulsive as to steal a drunken jewelery shop and not know how? that fear of you friend, assaulted not any jewelry store your aunt was very irresponsible indeed.
_I know friend, I'm tired of hearing that I have to grow up that I'm irresponsible, I already know that, I'm worried about my father, in the end he got his treatment? I speak.
Chapter 7_Finding store security new evidence.
Eduarda said: _I don't know friend, I'm scared.
My best friend's eyes were blank, we no longer seemed inseparable since childhood, but two strangers. I realized at the time, nothing would be as before. All that tension made me put my cigarette hastily on my lips and smoke the frustration in his eyes.
Yesterday it was complicated to see Eduarda's reaction, I think about it while drinking my coffee, late again, I had become irresponsible and impulsive again, I have this analysis of my behavior through my mind, while I observe that the walls are moldy, the smell of this place, it's really bad.
In this chain, I impulsively count the days, as a countdown, for my departure. How much joy, finally the day of the visit has arrived. I hug Eduarda impulsively, we sat on a bench in the courtyard of this prison.
_Friend is abstinence, ends up bringing me new memories. – I say.
Remember, something new? what fear remembered what?
– Eduarda asks. – Yes, some pieces appeared from this puzzle.
– I said. – What did you remember? What a fear – Eduarda questions.
– I woke up with a hangover, with a yellow bag, under my bed, when I opened it, I had some jewels, I put a ring in my hands, I saw the money.
– Did any witnesses see you rob the store or maybe the security guard warned you, then they went to your house to arrest you? What a fear of your friendly response
– Eduarda says. – I don't know, friend, but it's a possibility, I wanted to remember it so much.
You go, it's just a matter of time my impulsive friend, I'm afraid when that happens. – Eduarda says. How is it working with my aunt? – I ask. – Thank you for helping me, I'm really enjoying it, I'm afraid to visit you, after all you robbed her store.
– I know, but I'm glad you got the job. – I say impulsively. I felt like I had been given a Christmas present, my happiness at that moment was immense after Eduarda's visit, I think never in my existence, I had been happy with something so small, more tasting hidden from those stuffed cookies, due to my impulsiveness, made that evening in the courtyard much more special, from there I could see the sky was magnificent, the sun was setting, shades of blue and orange spread over it. These were my thoughts while smoking a cigarette, being grateful to all that. Unfortunately, it was like returning from school, those hours that seemed to have passed so quickly, were over, I rolled a little, I swallowed another cigarette irresponsibly, now I would have to return to that hell called, jail.
My irresponsibility made me wake up later than the other prisoners, I had my breakfast, I remembered that today is the day, which Eduarda usually visits me. I embrace her in an impulsive way.
– Did you remember anything else? What fear – Eduarda asks. "Yes," he said impulsively. "What did you remember this time? What a friendly fear."
– When I got to the jail I was still a little dizzy, a very strong hangover, the deputy asked where I had hidden the rest of the jewelry and money, I just said I don't know.
– Can be innocent friend or guilty what fear – She says
"I am convinced that I am guilty! – I say while impulsively inhaling my cigarette, I thought, that I just lived without realizing it, it was irresponsible thinking that life would be forever, events made the day go by, they saw the week, then years.
Now I realize that I no longer appreciate the moments shared with those I loved. Even the delight of an espresso, enjoy the view of the sky. I just lived everything, it was so common, commonplace, I had never stopped to reflect on it until I was in this trapped condition, now I can choose absolutely nothing, my total freedom had been taken away, the comfort of a bed, comforters, pillow, I didn't know but what was that. Now I share my privacy, in addition to my air with ten other hurries, these are my thoughts on this impulsive and gloomy morning. In this reality, boredom reigns, there is not much to do, I thought that some lucky people get work, to occupy their heads, others like me, are just reflecting the wonderful life they had before, they didn't notice, I bite my nails impulsively while these thoughts go and comes to my mind, in this courtyard. Today is a visiting day, I was happy when I saw Eduarda. It brings me hope within this chain. I lit my cigarette hastily even though Eduarda hates the smell of nicotine.
– Friend I have news, I'm afraid to tell – She says.
– Say, what is it? I say impulsively. They found the security guard, he was on the run, they arrested him temporarily, it looks like he's going to give his testimony, what a fear.
Chapter 8_New witness and Evidence. – Wow, I can't believe they found Ulysses, I never imagined he could be involved.
– Depending on his testimony, my impulsive friend may reopen the case, I'm afraid of what he might say. – Eduarda says.
– I know I am guilty, that will not change, one more way to refresh my memory, it will be welcome, of course.
– Is it really responsible, for the theft, or maybe there is the possibility, of this security, to have something to do with that? What a fear – She says.
her question, she knew I was guilty, she was my best friend, she knew how irresponsible and impulsive I was, so irresponsible that I didn't remember how I did it step by step. I waited all week for this day, when I saw Eduarda, my heart rejoiced. It always brings hope, makes me resist being here, in this chain.
– Friend, what's up? – I asked.
– The security guard, who refused to give testimony without a lawyer, before being temporarily arrested, committed suicide in his cell, afraid of the secret he kept – She says.
Friend you have to be strong, you can't be afraid like me, everything will be fine.- Eduarda asks.
– I got tired of being, this demand was constant throughout my life, now I want to be weak, I am guilty, impulsive, although knowing about Ulysses' death made me sadder, even though he was just an acquaintance.
Eduarda's eyes fill with tears, I was moved, I cried too. – Friend, I'm sorry if I fed you this doubt, I imagined that with the presence of this security guard you know, they could reopen the case, I was afraid of going wrong – Eduarda said.
– No excuse, it's all your fault.
– I said in an immature and impulsive way.
She said: – Don't say the first thing that comes to your mind, don't be impulsive and irresponsible trying to hurt me with words, I'm afraid when you act like that.
Today, apparently I will remain in this cell for the rest of the day, after all it is raining outside. But, just hearing the sound of rain, I close my eyes and I can smell her wet earth, I think impulsively that it would be delightful to take a shower like this, despite the sadness I feel for having to stay here. I am still happy with the majestic sound of these tears from the sky. I close my eyes, the lights have already been extinguished, the insomnia invading me, I remember my childhood. When I was little, I I imagined, in a family of white butterflies, only I was the black. Nobody looked like me, I didn't see myself, in dolls, magazines, novels, much less, at school. I lived in a white world, which stretched into my house.It seemed that they had put me there, without warning, because I was treated, as a stranger, somewhat inconvenient. I felt uncomfortable, in the place that should be mine, dear home.
She had a small nose, medium lips, was a black woman with dark skin. I was a questioning child, I liked to know the reason for things. Impulsive for questioning the authority of the house, my mother, somewhat stubborn, for not being submissive to his orders. Because in my attempt to get attention it was impulsive and the result was having several scars, among them is a cigarette burn on the belly. My father, Fernando, a serious, calm man, we had little contact with him, because he worked a lot, was in his office or working at home. Affectionate and fearful, he was easily manipulated by his wife, in exchange for constant treats. When I looked for his company, I found him hidden in his office, inside our residence. I drank my coffee impulsively, woke up at 6 am curled up in bed, lit my cigarette on the patio, thought that place was a tangle of books placed on a shelf, a brown leather chair, wooden table, a laptop, some portraits. I admired him reading a book, while drinking his whiskey on the rocks. He put me on his lap, he read to me out loud. I hugged him at that moment and I felt loved. I could smell his woody citrus scent, his clothing, it showed that he was somewhat clumsy to dress, he revealed an insecure and fearful man while I remained enchanted with his intelligence, because, I was almost always reading, I enjoyed a brief joy due to your patience in stopping reading, to share that moment with me. Besides being sweet for treating me with affection, it was something that I would keep forever in my memory. My mother Helena, was always waiting for my father to arrive. His only concern was to be the ideal wife he had built in his head. Soon everything was to please him, but he liked to complain about the obligations he created for himself. He left the house spotless, ready to eat, just to satisfy something he already expected to find.
Her life revolved around him, obsessed with his appearance, always made up, well dressed. It did not work, its function was reduced to just being home. His appearance was impeccable, manicured nails, dyed blond hair, his brown eyes, revealed how much he forgot himself to become a mother and wife. Always sour with me and my impulsiveness, I admired her for her beauty, everything small as well as delicate, nose, mouth, eyes. A loving mother only, with one of her daughters. He liked to question, rather than simply do what she said. Because while pampering your husband, in addition to your other daughter. I just watched impulsively, I didn't have the same pleasures, like listening to a story before bed, my favorite juice for breakfast, dolls like me. Their wedding seemed like an exchange of favors only, I don't know if there was really love, I think about it as I go to lunch in the cell with the other prisoners. My sister Ana, did not suffer any kind of deprivation, or frustration. All I wanted was a spoiled girl, who had all the attention, affection of my parents, not crumbs of affection like me.
We had a normal relationship of sisters, however, we competed for their attention, almost constantly, me with my impulsiveness and she being submissive and impulsive too. I rarely kept company, I got used to loneliness, playing alone. I have few memories of ours, we just played racing, jumping rope, doll. She was sociable, friendly, cheerful, somehow enchanted people, in general, both with her appearance and behavior, extremely polite, surrounded by friends. Her eyes were blue, natural brown hair, white, her hands a little smaller in proportion to the rest of her body, smart, friendly, she always had someone to play with, got good grades, submissive to all of our mother's advice. I was left with only my father's company, admiring that house, I loved it, there was a beautiful garden full of colors, purple, pink, red, yellow, several flowers, roses, pansies, hydrangeas. The manicured grass, a beautiful pool of medium size, with blue tiles. The residence was gray, white windows, in the interior well decorated, two bedrooms, located in a prime area in São Paulo. My impulsive mind will come with a heap of memories when I was little, I should have been about seven years old, I lean against the door of my house, in my hands, if I found the reason for that momentary joy. A rag doll, beautiful and black. My mother appears due to the noise.
– How did I get this doll? Stole it? – Question. Another memory impulsively invades me, when I take another drag in a hurry, just thinking about her, I open a huge smile, an extreme feeling of well-being takes over me. Where I studied, children avoided me, they ran away from me, because of that, most of the time, I felt alone, I ended up playing with myself, until the moment Eduarda came into my life, I met her at school. Finally someone looked like me, I never imagined that we would become great friends. She kept me company, we were nails and meat, inseparable. Eduarda an empathetic friend, always concerned about others, cheerful she smiled almost the whole time, optimistic, she liked to see the positive side of life, in contrast, her biggest defect was being fearful. She is black with light skin, has heterochromia, that is, one brown eye, the other blue, wide nose, big mouth, curly brown hair. Just remembering her, I remember the blush on my face, my heart was pounding, I wished that moment would last forever, because it seemed that he kept an immense joy inside him. The sound of our laughter, as we turned hand in hand, in order to make us dizzy, in the garden of my house. I feel impulsive and melancholy today, remembering the delights I had before coming here, like having a comfortable bed to sleep in, I make time to get up, I don't drink my coffee, I light my cigarette showing my folly inside the cell, even though I know I'm bothering other hurries with the smoke and my impulsiveness.
In the courtyard, I smoke my cigarette impulsively, to forget this harsh reality, I remember my father, an impulsive sadness invades me intensely everything I knew as truth, it shattered before my eyes, that memory revisited, while I was in my bath in the sun, everything lost its meaning, the reality I knew was denied in my face, it felt like a dagger had been placed in my heart, the ground was shattering in front of me.
He was in bed, he was sick, he asked me to sit next to him.
_You know, my daughter, despite the fear, I can't contain myself anymore, I need to tell you who your mother is. – Fernando says.
Chapter 10_My sister's revelation.
_As well, Helena, is my mother.
_She is your foster mother, Inês is the biological mother, she was afraid to tell you the truth – He confesses.
_I want to meet you.
This will not be possible. – Say it. – Why? – I question. – I'll tell the whole story. despite my fear. Your mother worked here at my house, as a maid, I was married to Helena. When I saw her for the first time, everything changed, I fell in love. My thoughts stopped when I stopped for dinner, I ate French bread with butter and curd, I drank coca cola while all the other inmates ate the same sosa dinner that is received every day by us. & nbsp; <br> I lit my cigarette in the cell hastily, my impulsive thought remained in the story that my father told that day of my mother. "She was only nineteen, her innocence and youth won me over. As if that weren't enough, she was friendly, humble, she had a good heart. Her foster mother didn't have those qualities. She admired her, as she does, with a starry sky. Apparently, I was not the only one to fall in love. Her mother also gave signs, without saying a word. Not that she took any initiative, much less give up on me, but I could see in her eyes that We lived an impossible love, made only of looks and admiration. We ignored its existence, it remained only inside each one of us. & nbsp; <br> My thoughts turned to your mother, constantly. I thought of sending her although, but it wouldn't be fair, if all this was going on in my head. It just happened we kissed her and I took her out for ice cream, of course everything very carefully, because I was married. I really was in love, willing to leave Helena. history with your mother. Helena was pregnant, when she saw me and her together, she caught us at the height of the sexual act. I figured when my wife found out, she was going to leave me. It gave her a good life, but it was perfect for my family. That when they learned that he was in love with his mother, they didn't want to accept it. Your mother pretended she didn't know about the betrayal, decided to stay with me. I was weak, due to the influence, of my family, I decided not to live that love. Helena, saw Inês, with one of her jewels, in her purse, called the police. She took care of you, in jail, then signed a paper passing her guard over to me. I believe that, due to losing her contact, because she didn't want to tell you that story, when she was younger, she committed suicide.
Eduarda once again came to visit me, we sat in the courtyard of that prison.
What do you have there? – I asked curiously.
_I'm afraid of your reaction, open it, so you'll find out. – She said.
_"I can't believe it, my old doll is a little dented, but it's her," she said impulsively.
_It is like this, because they do the magazine of everything we bring, I was afraid of not being able to make this surprise – Eduarda said.
_But it is still her, what a wonderful gift. – I said impulsiveness.
_I'm glad you liked it, I was afraid you didn't like it, after that conversation we had about being strong, I brought it with this purpose, remember who won?
_Of course! Your mother sewed it, gave it to you as a gift, made one for me, I remember she taught me to see how beautiful I was, when I insisted on putting a preacher on my nose or straightening my curly hair, she taught me that she didn't need to nothing to be beautiful, which was already natural.
_Yes, I learned the same thing from her, my impulsive friend, I have mine until today too, she stays in my bed, when I feel afraid I hug her – Eduarda said.
_When I arrived at home with this doll, my mother accused me, saying that I had stolen it, threw it in the trash, impulsive that I am, I took it from there, cleaned it. – I said.
I feel impulsive and melancholic today, remembering the delights I had before I came here, like having a comfortable bed to sleep in, I make time to get up, I don't drink my coffee, I light my cigarette, demonstrating my folly inside the cell even though I know I'm bothering the other hurries with the smoke.
In the courtyard, I smoke my cigarette impulsively, to forget this harsh reality, I remember my father, an impulsive sadness invades me intensely everything I knew as truth, it shattered before my eyes, that memory came up, while I was in the my sunbathing, everything lost its meaning, the reality I knew was denied in my face, it felt like a dagger had been placed in my heart, the floor was shattering in front of me.
I impulsively lit my cigarette inside the cell, even in a few hurries they looked at me with a frown, but I pretended not to see there was a particular thought, which lately, was haunting me, appeared at the most inopportune hours, when I wanted to sleep, for example or just smoke to relax. Was this thought really that I am guilty? For a long time, I was convinced that it was. But these memory lapses make me question impulsivity. Until recently, I believed that I would be able to do anything to save my father's life and I really did, but the fact that I don't remember how I stole my aunt's store, haunts my thoughts. I definitely shouldn't be to blame, I think impulsively maybe I just don't remember. My thoughts start to make me question, inside this prison my mind starts to think that it was the security first, was he the culprit? Or maybe Eduarda, my best friend, always so close, asking me what I remembered. I am creating culprits, to nullify my guilt. Really, I may be going crazy, finding possible culprits for what I did. How do I know if I'm going crazy? I question myself while tasting my cookies filled with a little fresh coffee, for my taste this junction becomes a little moment of euphoria and pleasure.
But, these memory lapses make me question impulsivity. Until recently, I believed that I would be able to do anything to save my father's life and I really did, but the fact that I don't remember how I stole my aunt's store, haunts my thoughts. I definitely shouldn't be to blame, I think hastily, maybe just, I don't remember.
– What's it? – Eduarda says. – That ring you're wearing, was one of the jewels that showed me in the photos that had been stolen, can I see? – I mean.
– Of course! – This numbering is the same as in the photo. – I did.
– What are you implying? – Eduarda asks.
– You know, since the beginning he comes to visit me, asking what I remember, maybe he wants inside information, because he is to blame, he is afraid that I will remember something, after all I don't know much about jewelry, but Lucas told me that the numbering it never repeats itself.
– I say without thinking. – You are crazy, I would easily go crazy in this place.
– Eduarda says. – I am very lucid, it makes perfect sense, when I woke up in my room, lying on my bed, I had a hangover, under it there was a yellow suitcase, unknown to me, when I opened it only had some of the items that had been stolen, so much that you I said that the police asked me where the rest of the jewelry and money was hidden.
– I'm your best friend, you can only really be crazy, that's enough for me. – Eduarda says.
I light my cigarette in an impulsive way, I watch the days go by, in the face of my endless loneliness, Eduarda walked away, she hasn't visited me since.
Everything became sadder, like a rainy day, my friend brought me hope, in addition to the company, with her reckless behavior. Now who can leave me less alone is my cigarette and my impulsiveness. I couldn't believe it when I saw Eduarda, when I saw her I fell into an ecstasy of satisfaction and impulsiveness she hugged me tightly, with tears in her eyes, she came to visit me, we sat on a bench in the courtyard of that prison.
– Forgive me friend, I think I really went crazy, I missed you. – I say.
– Do you still think I can be blamed? – Eduarda asks.
– Forget it, I'm responsible.
– Okay, just because you're my best friend since my childhood. – She speaks.
– You are mine too. – I mean.
– I asked Lucas, if by chance, he had videos of the theft, he told me, that they had also been stolen, that is, we do not have the image of the possible perpetrator of the crime, if he remembered it was easier. – Eduarda says. – I'd love to, but it's not up to me. – I wanted to tell you, that day who, had given me, the ring, but did not give time, his madness to hunt the culprit, did not leave. – She says.
– I am responsible, it doesn't matter, it should be my insanity, which made me see evidence where there was none.
I take a sip of coffee, in my cell, savoring bread with butter and curd, then I can't stand it, I bring one I see Ana in the distance, she came to pay me a visit, I can't believe my happiness is so great, that my eyes are filled with tears, of the purest emotion, my body is light, it feels like I'm floating , the world became more colorful, I was happy, I give you an impulsive hug.
I take a sip of coffee, in my cell, savoring bread and butter and curd, then I can't stand it, I recklessly bring a cigarette right there. I see Ana in the distance, she came to pay me a visit, I can't believe my happiness is so great, that my eyes are filled with tears, of the purest emotion, my body is light, it seems that I'm floating, the world has become more colorful, I was happy, I give him a tight hug impulsively.
– And how are you my sister? – Ana says.
– Better now, you only visited me once, I didn't expect to see you there again, I'm so happy and how's Daddy doing? – I mean.
– I came to say goodbye, I don't know, I haven't heard from him- She speaks.
– Why? Where you go?
My sister approaches my ear, as if she were going to tell a secret and says: – I am going to travel, enjoy life, I committed a crime, I found the perfect victim, to be blamed for it.
– Stop playing, that's not funny.
– It's true, sometimes the lamb, it can be the bad wolf, nobody suspected anything.
– She speaks. I'm in shock, I don't know if you're kidding or telling the truth.
– It was so easy, to make you look responsible, it was enough to put your yellow suitcase under your bed, with some items, from the theft, they already assumed it was you. My sister, who grew up with me, we played together as a little girl, had betrayed me.
– You know the best, there is no way you can prove it, nobody will believe it, because you are already here, it was good to see you, but I really need to go, before traveling I will pay a visit, even my sister. – Ana says.
Final chapter _New Evidence.
I have no reaction whatsoever, am I imagining this situation, maybe Ana did not come. I may have gone crazy, I already blamed Eduarda, then the security guard. When I stop, assume what I did. I see Ana, leaving, not knowing it was a hallucination, the result of my madness or if she really was here. The days were melancholy, as well as sad, if it was already difficult to stay in this reality, to the point of going crazy, now it's practically impossible, my world fell, I lost direction, it seemed like a disoriented compass, not knowing which direction to go, what to do. I clung to my little pleasures regardless of whether it was on time or not just doing what I wanted and ready. In a foolish way, instead of having breakfast, savor some stuffed cookies with my coffee, then I swallowed a cigarette, even though Eduarda doesn't like me to smoke, was in the courtyard, when she came, she came to visit me. I hugged her and a sea of eyes started to emerge. After telling what happened to Eduarda, she looks at me perplexed, as if she were lying to her.
– Now, you mean your sister. – Eduarda says:
She changes her expression, as if she were aware of something. After telling what happened to Eduarda, she looks at me perplexed, as if she were lying to her.
– That ring, which because of him, you accused me, who gave it to me, was Ana.
– Now believe me? – I question.
– I was doubting, if I wasn't hallucinating, but now I believe not, it may be crazy of you, but as I am impulsive like you, I'm going to send you, a tape recorder, I want you to record this last visit, which she promised. – She says.
While smoking my cigarette I replied: – Agreed, I will do that. Hug Eduarda, I see you leaving. Now I go back to my routine, as well as my loneliness inside this place and my impulsive behavior. I bring a cigarette, while I wait for Ana to come, she doesn't like the smell of nicotine, but today I'm a little impulsive.I don't know if she will really come. However, I am here waiting impulsively. I see Ana, accompanied by my mother. We share a bench, the patio, that chain.
– I will kill your curiosity, before going on a permanent trip, you remember that we were in a bar, sharing a bottle of whiskey, right? – Ana asks
– Yes, from this part I remember, did Dad receive the treatment? -I don't know I don't have any news, he started to feel sick he went to the bathroom, meanwhile, I threw GHB in his drink, when you said in a voice that you wanted to rob our aunt's store, I paid the bill, got in the car with me , of his own free will, after a few minutes, he began to feel the effects and soon went out.
– She keeps counting. – On the way I called Ulisses, it was very easy to convince him, after all he is somewhat ambitious, he was a great friend of his father, Lucas, who had died, but when he said we were going to share the money, as well as the jewels he accepted, his old friendship didn't matter at that time. I left you in the car, while I greeted you, he turned off the alarm, he had access to the password to the safe, where Lucas kept the jewels and the cashier's money, which was in a pouch , the next day, it was transferred to the company's account. Lucas shared the company money and the staff to send our aunt's share to her.
He knew this because, due to the consideration of friendship, which he had because he was a great friend of his father, before he died, Lucas revealed to Ulisses details that he should not tell. I took the money and jewelry from the safe, as well as the footage from the cameras. Ulysses knew where he was hiding the filming videos. He was delighted, he had never seen so much money. He fled to Campinas. I put the rest in your yellow suitcase, behind the car. Mom knew about the plan, I told her on the way. We put you on the bed and the bag under it. Lucas called me as scheduled, as did our aunt. I found him, hugged him and said I was sorry. I asked who knew the password to the safe. He said that only you and Ulysses, our aunt confirmed. Only Ulysses was gone, without satisfaction. I asked if he suspected you. He said no. I drank another cigarette recklessly even though Ana motioned for me to put it out, I pretended not to see it, I was very hateful of this whole story, she always had privileges as she had the courage to do all this with me, I kept listening to that being that I couldn't do anymore recognize, keep talking. – I said I wouldn't be so sure. It was enough, I doubted that he would come to our house, check to manipulate his behavior, for him to really go.
When we arrived you were touching the items that I had left to frame you. I called the police, his attitude was to be frightened by my presence, as well as that of Lucas, our aunt. I was distracted picking up the items when she realized we were there. He started to cry when he saw you being handcuffed, our aunt was also moved by the scene. She was arrested for the crime, which I committed. He thought he was going to steal Lucas from me, everything was going to be okay, like your mom did to my dad.
– Exactly, Nice started drinking because her husband José simply left the family, she said she couldn't lose that job, then offered Inês, to replace her at work. – Helena says. – In an act of compassion I accepted. She was nineteen at the time. Fernando was much older, he was thirty-eight years old, he was enchanted with her, he couldn't even hide it. I was pregnant when I caught your father having sex with Inês. She was so embarrassed, said she would be leaving. He went to change and left the bag on a chair. I put one of my jewelry inside. She left the bathroom, returned the rest of her uniform. I said I was looking for a jewel that was gone, if she had seen it. So I searched your bag, saw the jewel there. I called the police, she was arrested. You gave birth in jail, besides taking care of you. Then he gave custody to his father. I didn't want her parents to take care of you. She signed a paper passing the guard over to him. Then I believe that because he missed you, due to the shame of being accused of theft, he committed suicide. Your father took you home, so I was always angry, your features reminded me of you, you are really very similar.
– But Ulysses? – I asked.
– I reported him anonymously, said I knew where he was on the run. – Ana says.
– I knew where he had kept the rest of the jewelry and the money, we had had moments of intimacy, he told me. I went to get it, added what I already had. I was very nervous, in an impulsive act, I was afraid they would notice that I had a tape recorder, in my left hand, hiding behind my back, I was reckless enough to record to show the proof to Eduarda, I only had one word in my mind revenge, I wasn't going paying for something I didn't do, despite the dread of being discovered, I was brave enough to face that fear and stick to my plan.
I believe that now, that I have already clarified for you, your curiosity, after a few days, my mother and I are going to travel. – Ana says.
Both she and my mother are leaving, I keep that tape recorder under my pillow as if it were a jewel, because it can be the key to my freedom.
I embrace Eduarda impulsively, already waiting for her to say that she does not believe my version of the story of Ana being the one who had really stolen my aunt's store, but in an act of impulsiveness she sent me, the recorder by mail into this prison, as already did with cigarettes, for example.
I impulsively handed the tape recorder over to her, asked her to listen.
_How are you? – She asked.
_Now I'm fine, I never want to give up the delicious freedom to deceive myself, the evil was in my sister, I will not stop trusting people, like you who were with me all this time, even when I believed that I could be guilty. – I mean.
_Whose sentence is that? – She questions.
_Che Guevara. Friend, what is GHB?
We are friends regardless of anything, I will always be by your side. GHB is a drug that can be mixed in alcohol, without noticing it, because it is transparent, it can cause drowsiness, including blackouts, in high doses the person can suffer from Amnesia, without knowing how it got there, as it happened to you , did not remember how he got to his home. Well, now we have a proof, she will pay for what she did.
I swallowed a cigarette and said: – Really go!
I looked at the sky, thanked him a hundred times, I was finally free, a timid smile opened on my face, an immense satisfaction filled me, I plunged into an ecstasy of gratitude.
The world seemed more beautiful than ever, as this day, it seemed to be sunny.
I was free, that thought returned to my mind. A big thank you filled my being.
I obeyed Eduarda, called me to get in the car, walked that walkway, which gave access to the street, as if it were a bird with beautiful wings, which had been put in a cage, after giving up flying, he was released.
I turned my eyes to jail, said goodbye to that situation as well as my impulsive behavior, now I was a responsible woman.
I was surprised when I saw Lucas in the car, he gave me a kiss and asked for forgiveness, Eduarda gave me a tight hug, my eyes dropped drops of happiness, I cried too, I took another drink looking at that chain, remembering everything I went through there , Eduarda made a movement with my hand for me to put out, I stepped on the cigarette with my shoe and we got into her vehicle.
Ana had been arrested, she was responsible when she admitted after seeing the tape recorder, as well as Helena, for having been an accomplice and now I was free to go on with my life.
I looked well at the sky, an immense feeling of gratitude invaded me, a wide smile appeared on my face, my body was all relaxed, I felt immense satisfaction, my heart smiled, I remained free, this phrase was repeated several times in my head, like a loose bird, that lived long in the cage, then was released.
When I was not satisfied, after discovering that I was innocent, as an act of impulsiveness, I was able to fly again.
But, now it was time to stop that behavior, I swallowed my cigarette, Eduarda motioned for me to quit, I obeyed, now I was a responsible person.
That was my last cigarette, as wel