This story begins at the end.
There are days that I am surprised it took me so long to see the truth, and there are days where I ask myself, "Was I the asshole here?" I still don't know for sure. Maybe I was a villain in this story, and possibly needed to be to get away. I will let you, the reader, be the judge of that.
Some people may call me a liar or tell me I was not being accurate, and I am okay with that. It won't change what I felt, saw, heard, lived... and survived. I am happier now that I am on the other side, but I admit it is hard to trust that feeling. After so long of being catatonic in the dark, the light can feel painful. I don't doubt myself half as much as I used to, yet I still feel like I am crawling out from beneath the shadow. I've become a genuinely social person, but I have an anxiety attack before any social event. I forgive the one who hurt me... only for my sake. Now, I have the power to see through the facade. I will never again be under the thumb of this puppet master, and more so can be here to help you see the strings. That is my silver lining.
To hold on to hate is to torture yourself; it never does anything to the person you hate. I spent years stuck with this hateful cesspool of a personality, and won't waste any more. I share my story here for my sanity, and with the hope I can help one of you, dear readers, to make the choice it took me 7 years to.
I didn't come to this choice alone. Talks with several close friends outside the situation, my therapist, and taking the time to understand my lived experience helped me remove the rose-colored glasses. To look at my life more objectively, and it all started with a question.
What are you willing to accept from the ones you love?
Not something I had asked myself after 22 years on this earth. Is it love? Compassion? Empathy? Support? Or something more nefarious such as mockery, conditional acceptance, or outright abuse?
To begin unpacking this, let's rewind.
I do not claim to be an expert on this, and can't speak for anyone but myself. That being said, where I grew up, it seemed to be a societal norm that children were expected to respect their elders. Grandparents, parents, aunts & uncles, teachers, religious leaders, biological or non, that list of elders went on.
What is 'respect' to a child, though? What is that complex idea in their minds?
Adoration, to do as they are told, complete and utter obedience.
As adults, we are told that respect is something that is earned, not given. While this may be a widely accepted social norm, I wonder:
Are children being taught a contradicting state of awareness, to obey before questioning? Before honoring the thoughts and feelings in their own body?
If so, this feels like a dangerous setup for the real world, giving us enormous amounts of tolerance for different forms of abuse. I was one of many caught in this destructive pattern.
I bring this to light because I believe this potentially warped view, which was forced on many of us as children, gets carried into adulthood. Haunting our subconscious, and silently setting us up for the kind of treatment we accept from other people. Directly influencing our friendships, relationships, career choices, and more in life.
This means that what we accept from those we love or care for, becomes complicated. We are vulnerable to overplaying our hands and suffering the unforgiving cost.
What I speak of here is more than physical. Let me be clear:
Abuse is complex, more than skin deep. When people are physically abused it is a reflection of the damage that has already been done to them mentally and emotionally. Some don't have the physical marks to show, yet that doesn't belittle the trauma they have faced.
My upbringing wasn't exactly secure. Being in a highly misogynistic and repressive religious community would have been enough to do that, but other things contributed. Ultimately, I was only ever deeply connected with traumatic or apathetic love. With the inflated confidence of an 18-year-old I went into the world thinking I had a concrete sense of judgment.
I was a kid who grew up too fast on the inside, not thinking of the consequences and feeling sure that I knew best.
I didn’t.
This was when the most specious individual I’ve ever met became one of my closest friends.
For this, I will call them "X" and use xe/xem pronouns. I am choosing to use these because I believe that any person is capable of abuse, regardless of gender. I am also taking out a lot of details and specific instances that I feel would be too identifying with this person. I don’t want to give xem an excuse to try and reach me. Plus, I hope it will be more powerful for you, the reader, if you recognize these patterns in your life.
I was young, impressionable, and naïve when we met at my first job as an adult. Charismatic and excessively generous, X swept into my world like it was xem I had always been waiting for. Xe approached me first. Showering me with compliments, affirming all that I had to say, the amount of acceptance was nearly overwhelming. I thought, "Finally. Someone who understands me, who gets it all."
I recognized many years later that this was not a healthy connection. It was a trauma-bonded connection, and this was only the beginning. Trauma bonding itself is a chemical attachment created in the brain. It is brought about by repeated cycles of abuse, with the occasional "save" made by the abuser. X was drawing me into this cycle right from the beginning, using the manipulative tactic of love bombing to reel me in. Coaxing me over so that when the reality of xir personality reared its head, I would be more amicable. At this point, it worked, and I thought I was safe to share the deepest parts of myself.
X projected this put-together, charming, and intense person. To me, who cared all too much about others' opinions and thought self-confidence was a lost cause - this was admirable. I was convinced that X had something to teach me about being happy with myself, so I let xem into my life. I forced others to accept that xe was in my life too. Partners, friends, and family all resisted me letting this person in so openly, but I ignored their pleas to take a closer look at the friendship.
I even went as far as lying about how involved xe was in my life to my parents, something I still regret to this day. It only deepened the wounds of all involved.
Hindsight; if you have to lie about a person to the people you love... re-evaluate that person.
I sometimes tell myself, "Ugh, if you would’ve told someone the truth, maybe you would have gotten out sooner", but I know it isn’t true. It is an excuse I use because it feels better than reality; I chose this person to be in my life. I chose to forgive these actions time and time again, enabled so many toxic traits, and fed into a fervid delusion. I was unconsciously addicted to the dopamine rush this trauma bond with X gave me. A repetition and continuation of a cycle that felt familiar, so it must be safe. This was my unstable reality for a while.
Thankfully those questionable choices gave me the strength to make better ones. I was the one who chose when I would no longer trust xem, decided when enough was enough, and recognized I deserved more.
I choose never to allow someone who treats me like that to stay in my life again. There is power in that.
Rather than paint the glorious details of xir disaster out incident by incident (we would be here for 3 whole sitcom seasons), I wanted to give you the traits from the trauma bond that were the biggest red flags, with a few real examples. Some of them might be alarming, or seem inflated for the sake of storytelling, but it is my word as a writer that I have redacted my creative license with examples. I will only be using things I observed on more than a few occasions, concerning various topics.
Early Days
I hesitate to speak in absolutes, I don't want to be perceived as over-generalizing xir behavior. That said, I can think of very few instances where xe cared what other people had to say unless it would involve xem. Crisis was xir ecstasy, xe thrived on the rush of catastrophizing. It felt like a poorly written play. X was the hero while everyone else was simply a two-dimensional NPC. Xe ignored that each individual had a complex personality, past, problems, etc. Other people's problems were only a playground for X.
This uncomfortable complex didn't present itself as you would expect. It wasn't constant 'I'm an a**hole' vibes, this was the first stage of trauma bonding. Meaning the immediate, intense 'we' relationship that was formed between us felt trustworthy. X went out of xir way to try and prove reliability, but in this kind of bond trust is merely an illusion.
There wasn't an equal give and take with the people that xe interacted with. On the surface, it could seem like it. Xe could sit and listen to you share your traumas, tribulations, and fears - because xe would relate to it. It wasn't genuine, it was a way to bring the focus back to xem. Plus, it was all ammo in xir pocket. As long as you fed xir need for attention, you were on xir good side.
X was a tornado that pulled everyone in and left them behind, a scattered mess of who they were. Xe constantly tried to trauma bond with people. I watched xem do it, again and again, over those 6 years. After meeting someone, xe would attempt to create an intense relationship through flattery and high praise. This is known as love bombing, where there is lots of validation and positive feelings shared at the expense of giving your trust to someone who definitely hasn't earned it. Once trust was established, dependency wasn't far behind. This is the second stage of trauma bonding. Insisting that this person relies on xem for x, y, z; or that xe is the 'missing piece' from this person's life. This was how X convinced a partner to move in before xir previous one moved out, how xe made friends with xir ex's family AFTER the breakup in an attempt to change the outcome, and how xe convinced someone barely of age to leave their whole life behind and move over multiple state lines with xem (after knowing them for 2 weeks).
Giving surface attention to others in exchange for constant affirmation of how 'great' xe was fed xir otherwise delicate ego.
It took me so long to realize I wasn't exempt from this pattern, I was existing in a world where I loved my misery & trauma more than I loved myself.
X reinforced this belief I had, and that made us the perfect toxic pair.
I hope I am painting a vivid picture for you, this is the most I've ever allowed myself to say about X and what it was like being xir friend.
The Nightmare Revealed
I'm sure you've heard the phrase, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery'. I used this as an excuse for so long time to explain some of the ways xe acted, but truth be told there is a very thin line between imitation and duplication.
Friendships should be inspirational, it's great to have some shared hobbies among friends. 'Some' is the keyword here. Imagine for a second that instead of having your own independent relationship with your hobby, which you share with your friend sometimes, your friend was attached to your hobby. Every time you go to pick up that hobby, there is your friend. Then it starts happening to other hobbies. Xe gets into the same fashion style as you, picks up similar accessories, follows you through multiple long-distance moves, applies for the same job, and gets the same vehicle. Eventually, it escalates, xe wants to be a part of every one of your social events, have the same aversions, and even go as far as asking to see your therapist as a client too.
At some point this cataclysm of events made me wonder; is that even really a friend? Or is this control?
X claimed that I 'inspired' them, and that's why xe did these things. I've had a lot of time to think about that though, and inspiration doesn't work like that.
Being 'inspired' by something doesn't mean creating a carbon copy of what inspired you, it is the launching pad for creative expression.
If I truly inspired X, I would have been happy for xem. I would have been excited about the new adventures xe was creating for xemself and cheered them on through the highs & lows as xe went after xir dreams. Xe didn't seem interested in living xir own life though, xe was far more interested in being attached to yours. This wasn't quite the same as living vicariously through others; X needed to be involved, constantly.
If xe wasn't, you were at the mercy of xir rage. This is the third stage, criticism. Whether it was said to your face or to others, you could always feel when xe had a death grip on a grudge. This was more prevalent in disagreements. If I tried to assert my own opinion, I would quickly be told all the ways xir opinion was superior to mine. All pieces that I felt safe enough to share with them in the beginning, I was suddenly ashamed of because they were being used against me in the heat of the moment.
The connection that we had formed was hostile by nature. Asserting independence, establishing boundaries, and other ways of protecting one's own power were seen as intentional & direct attacks by X. I fell into the pattern of placating xem at the expense of my own happiness.
No 'friendship' should be like that.
Hell on Repeat
Everyone has their own complex relationship with their history and their trauma, no two people are exactly the same. Several studies have been done that show many can go through the same event and have a completely different experience of it. (e.g., Brewin, Andrews & Valentine, 2000; Bryant, Harvey, Guthrie & Moulds, 2003; Ozer, Best, Lipsey & Weiss, 2003)
It seems to me that despite all of the variables that separate us, there are only two choices with recovery. You either move into a state of solidarity or your recognition of the trauma gives you a sense of superiority over others.
Recoil, or grow. What do you do with your hurt?
This is where I truly think the difference was between X and I. As I started deconstructing my trauma, I deconstructed this false idea I had of myself. How I thought about things, the ways I communicated (or failed to), and my very identity started to shift. I started caring more about my impact on people and recognized I had many mistakes to atone for along the path.
X, on the other hand, was going deeper into a different state of mind. I started to realize that there was a very specific way that xe would talk about xir trauma. More specifically, it was used as a shield and as an excuse. Xir terrible past is what makes xem do terrible things, so that makes it okay! Or so xe would say. Oblivious to it at the time, this was the fourth stage of the trauma bond revealing itself; manipulation and gaslighting. Both are types of psychological abuse that leave the victim questioning their reality, coupled with being blamed as the 'real' abuser.
This directly translated to xem not taking accountability for hurting someone or doing something wrong. Xe was only capable of gaslighting apologies, which is a slap in the face xe would call a high-five. It is a conditional apology that is great at giving the illusion of sincerity. Someone saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but..."
This isn't authentic. It's essentially the same as saying, "I'm sorry you have those feelings but that sounds like your problem! Now listen to me."
This goes hand in hand with avoiding accountability. Have you ever heard of DARVO? Well, let me acquaint you.
DARVO stands for 'Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender'. Originally introduced by Jennifer Freyd in the 1990s, it is a summarization of a manipulation tactic that allows abusers to receive sympathy for their actions while simultaneously avoiding consequences.
A clear example of this is when the guilty person assumes the identity of the 'falsely accused' and blames the accuser for being the guilty party.
Unfortunately, this is how X responded to most conversations about something xe had said or done. The story always changed, xe said what xe needed to confuse you and discredit you. Most conversations left me feeling stupefied and like I'd been walking in circles.
The fifth stage, resignation, came knocking at my fraying psyche. I avoided confrontation as much as I could and began believing the awful things xe said about me. Sometimes I would give up trying to have a conversation altogether, and let xem win. After a short cool-down or 'honeymoon' period xe would start love-bombing again, and my brain would be flooded with the dopamine rush from reuniting. On and on it went. At the time it seemed easier, but enabling this kind of manipulation for so long did nothing but eat away at my soul.
There were many times when xe boasted about this. X thought it was amazing that xe could manipulate people to get what xe wanted. Depending on who xe talked to, the story of who X was changed. It was an exaggerated retelling of events in most cases, and I witnessed the same core stories of who xe was shifting to fit someone else's scope of reality. There was one bright red thread in this white blanket, however, that sent every bit of xir deception crumbling to the ground.
Xe was never in the wrong.
In the years that we were friends, many of those I spent hearing about xir life. The single commonality in all of xir stories was that everything happened TO xem. Every person that had left xir life was the villain, in every past relationship the ex was the problem, and xe was the only one not to blame.
How do you get off scot-free in your own life?
Everything xe did for you had a string attached whether it was a conscious decision or not, and it would typically be used later on in disagreements as ammo. It was xir way of defending xirself, a carefully calculated attempt at nullifying your credibility.
The lack of boundaries I had around X created an incredibly isolating situation. I was completely disconnected from the world I knew, and I fell out of contact with people that were important to me. My entire identity shifted and was dampened. My gut burned with unease, yet I felt like I would never get out. I felt like a withered husk around xem like I was a part of the world but it didn't matter. Decades of conditioning kicked in, and my gut might as well have been a whisper.
I think a part of me knew that there was no way to get out of this without it blowing up. Maybe that contributed to why it took me so long to have the conversation. It was intimidating merely to stand my ground, let alone all that came after.
Aftermath
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
I know some assume that being untrustworthy is somehow written into our DNA, because 'people make mistakes'. For those who hold this belief, I am sorry for whoever hurt you. I hold the belief that making mistakes and being untrustworthy are two completely different things. It's true, everyone makes mistakes. What matters is how a person reacts and responds to making a mistake. Are they giving their all, trying to repair things? Be better?
Or is it one more reason they use as an excuse for continuing their shitty behavior?
There were scattered instances where I had the chance to get close to X's significant others. Or better put, the person xe was interested in keeping around at the time. In the wake of recognizing this was a toxic bond, these testimonials became crucial. They were my ticket back to reality, one I had been avoiding for too long. Each of them painted a detailed picture of what X thought of me behind my back, and that knife cut deep.
It shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did given everything I had experienced thus far. I had seen the way xe would speak of others, xir condescending remarks and outlandish claims. X lives in an illusion where xe knows people far more than xe actually does, and thinks that gives xem the right to make passing judgments on others. Once again this was an instance where my connection to traumatic love kept me right at xir side, thinking, "This is normal. This is life. X is as good as it gets."
I resolved to stop playing xir game and admitted I kept getting reeled back into xir mayhem time after time. Even when there were times my gut was screaming at me to put up a wall and run as far as I could. For a while, I think my damage danced well with xir damage, but there came a point where I outgrew the dance. Hearing what xe really thought of me, broke my heart, but there was a point where it just stopped breaking. The false sense of trust I had in xem was gone and with it my emotional attachment to the situation. I needed out.
I tried to sit down and tell xem genuinely the ways xe was hurting me in our friendship, and it was a trainwreck. I had some false sense of hope that we could talk about things, and that was my only mistake. I should have known better. Xir response was that xe was truly an amazing friend and I was the issue. Xe made a list of the things xe had done for me under the guise of 'kindness', brought up examples of conflict painting me as the consistent perpetrator, and then tried to debate my emotions. When I stood my ground, X then proceeded to give me a 30-day notice to move out.
Now What?
I find it ironic that taking accountability for myself and my decisions finally got me away from the person who avoided it at all costs.
It wasn't easy, and it still isn't. I learned lessons the hard way, but these were the most important. Keep in mind that these methods worked for me, but depending on your situation these steps might look different. Make your safety a priority, and plan with care.
1- Find your allies
Find those that believe you, and those that can help you create a safe space. This can be people in your existing circle, online communities dedicated to victims of abuse, or seeking professional help. Whoever your allies are, gather them to your side and tell them your plan.
2- Don't be a hero, prepare to be their villain
This is where I made a mistake. When I say don't be a hero, I mean don't confront them for what they have put you through. It can be gratifying to stand your ground, but there is a major possibility that things will escalate. Don't put yourself in more danger for the sake of confronting someone who will never see themselves as the problem.
3- Cut contact, don't engage
The harrowing part of being trauma bonded to an abuser, is breaking that bond. When you get out, be OUT. Cutting contact keeps you safe, but isn't easy. The allies you gather will help keep you grounded through this difficult process. Regardless of how emotional your abuser's attempts to contact you seem, you must be stoic as a statue. Don't engage, it's not worth it.
4- Take protective measures
This can look different, depending on the situation that you are coming out of. Changing your phone number and social media handles are simple steps you can take. If you fear for your safety or life, this might mean seeking asylum with a friend your abuser doesn't know or contacting a local shelter for help. Below is a starting list of places that can help you. Please remember that you are not alone, and there are people out there who can help.
I know there will arguably always be at least three sides to the story. Xirs, mine, and the truth. In the early days of love bombing, X told me xe believed that we were two identical souls, and there were times when I wanted to believe it. Mostly I felt like I had a strange doppelganger, and somehow I had become a shadow in my own life.
I am done living in the shadows. Those of others, and those in myself.
I hope I have given you the strength to do the same.