Men, here are tips to conquer 2023

Men, here are tips to conquer 2023

Dec 31, 2022

A brand-new year is minutes away, so is a brand new you!

Now, put the notes app down (as I think is the modern idiom). You won’t follow the resolutions anyway. I have a better plan: What are you thankful for? This is a paint-by-the-numbers question but often, we men never take the time to really appreciate the journey.

Like Pavlov with his dogs, we have lapped up society’s conditioning, but it’s time to learn how to not simply treasure the result but to relish the journey. I mean, things could be worse. You could be getting your thighs bit off by a hippo in Garsen. Or getting arrested in Colombia with drugs.

Can you believe we’re counting minutes to 2023? Yes, if you haven’t been caught with drugs in Colombia, or have your thigh bitten off by a hippo in Garsen, I am happy to announce you have made it this far. Personally, I’m in the last year of my 20s, and veterans inform me, unsolicited, that the thirties will require me to start walking around with iron and zinc supplements and chia seeds in bottles.

 The other day, someone used the phrase, “Do you remember how it was back in our days?” and I was like “Whoa! Whoa! Back in our days?” My self-awareness journey has shot into the stratosphere, I mean, it’s hard not to when a combination of Nairobi girls, Nairobi rent, and just Nairobi join hands to put you in your place.

Masculinity

“Performance” has started to wane, no matter how many sticks of mukhombero I stuff in my morning tea. I know, and know of, several youngish people downing viagra. I also know it’s a sin to hate, so let me put it this way: what happened to integrity? Stop cheating! Whatever happened to little, honest work?

Will 2023 be the year that we finally settle a long-standing debate—that J. Cole (and not Kendrick Lamar) is the greatest rapper of all time. And I have two reasons for this: 1. He is J. Cole. 2. He is the greatest rapper of all time. Or, will 2023 be the year that fondling with the naked exclamation of masculinity comes to an end? I pray so. Can you pick the irony?

Pursuing masculinity freedom by listening to another man telling you exactly how to live your life? At the risk of putting lipstick on a pig, anyone who is trying to tell you, pardon, prove to you that they are a man probably isn’t. Manhood is a state of being. You just are.

You can pick a few lessons here and there, but it’s a process of carving out yourself, through pain and regrets and coulda-shoulda-woulda beens. It sucks but that's the price of manhood. Trust me on this. Variety is the spice of life, and if we are all one Wikipedia version, then it won’t be long before the silence of the lambs lulls while we are led to the slaughterhouse. Picture that: shades of men huddling around masculinity connoisseurs and manhood sensei, feeding off their every word—a monument to small-man penis envy.

Deductive reasoning

Manhood is not a noun, it’s a verb. If I recall my primary school lessons, a verb is checks notes a doing word. Thus, through deductive reasoning, masculinity then is a doing word. It’s not something you read and cram. It is who you are. So go out there and keep changing hats until you find one that fits. Then change it again. Because it's more than okay to be many things at once.

Knowingly or not a man chooses a home because of who he is. And what lurks in our living rooms, is emotional turmoil, buried deep beneath our alcoholism and questionable fanny packs. I do believe we have an alcoholism problem, and I won’t even start on the ladies. But for men, it’s worse. Drink driving? Drink riding? It’s appalling. We drink when we are sad.

We drink because we are happy. God knows I’ve had my share of mistakes with alcohol. However, the molten ore of experience has led me to the conclusion that I am happier the less I drink, and that life feels a little fuller when the glass is empty. That said, you don’t have to quit, but you do have to wrestle the bottle into its proper place in your life.

This will sound like sour grapes when I complain and arrogance if I concede, but please, and I invoke the constitution here, isn’t it time we stop adding people to wedding WhatsApp groups? Brother, if you are too broke to afford a wedding stay single. There. Gauntlet hurled. The only exception—and we have it in writing—is that, dependent on my financial contribution, I get to spend some quality time with your wife every two or three days in a secret location per year for the duration of your marriage. Okay, I’m kidding. It’s every two or three days per month.

There is a common misconception that the national spirit is apathy. The national spirit is in fact moaning about apathy, and moaning about apathy in a way that sustains this delusion. But the much-derided principles of rising above and never complaining or explaining have stood the test of time for a reason. What did we say manhood is? Exactly. A doing word.

Buy lingerie

A lot less complaining, a lot more doing. And while we are at it, may 2023 be the year we stop making assumptions. Ask. Don’t know when her birthday is? Ask. Aren’t too sure about directions, as are most men? Just ask. Don’t know whether you should buy the red dress or the blue dress? Buy lingerie. Then ask what colour of dress she wants.

Something for the ladies: The mouse dies in a mouse trap because it doesn’t understand why the cheese is free. Make of that what you will.

Providence. Determination. Ambition. Qualities that maketh a man. That’s not to say that women are not ambitious. In fact, many women are much more ambitious than most men. It’s just essential for men.

Apropos of nothing, there is a Sufi story I love about the wise fool, Mullah Nasreddin. It goes like this: Darkness had fallen, and Nasreddin had lost his keys. He knelt by a lamppost, searching. A friend joined him, and after a long while, asked, “Where exactly did you lose the keys?” “In my house,” Nasreddin said. The friend said, “What? In your house? Why are we looking here?” To which Nasreddin replied, “There is more light here.”

Stop searching without. The answers are within. Happy New Year!

This article was prepared by Marita Edwin.

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