Good morning, or at least I hope it's good. Who can afford a good morning in this economy?
This is the first of, hopefully, a persistent plethora of pensive posts. I have decided that I need to stop letting my various thoughts live rent-free in my head and actually complete their journey to a text based format that can be organized into perhaps something that may eventually be somewhat useful.
Even if it's not, it's a wonderful chance for me to stretch out the old vocabulary machine and take that first required step to instill a habit.
I have many (some might say FAR too many) ideas, concepts, stories, and random vignettes floating around in my mind that have yet to materialize in the physical plane. This exercise of taking the dedicated time to write will hopefully allow an easier egress for these musings to manifest.
Wow, so what should I talk about today? The first thing that comes to mind is Internal Change.
Each of us that have survived the decade of 2020 thus far has arguably gone through considerable change. Without getting political, you saw 1 out of 600 Americans die from a virus the first year. Each of us knows someone who was affected. Each of us has lost, sacrificed, and suffered.
However, each of us has likewise persevered. Each of us have been strong, flexible, and courageous in our own individual capacities and ways. Each of us have had the time for introspection, self-discovery, and finding out what is truly important to you. I hope that you also have begun to realize certain worries in your life that you were needlessly wasting energy on.
I won't go too far into my personal tragedy over the past two years. It was truly awful, but I don't want your pity to be the reaction or takeaway from this. Today, I am well. I am honestly the happiest and healthiest I have been in over a decade. But it took an absolutely mythic magnitude of self-work; mental, physical, and spiritual.
I often go back and sift through my social media. I scroll over my old posts, watching through my old TikTok and YouTube videos. Sometimes it's because I added a new friend, or gained a follower that I personally know, and I go through and imagine their perspective of seeing my profile and what I was advertising and presenting myself as. I do this more frequently than I would ever admit, but what started as a methodical exercise to maintain the face/act that I showed the world.... became, over time, a satisfying reflection on how I have changed.
Back in middle school, I was a homophobic, racist, conservative Christian. A far cry from the bisexual, ally, liberal deist/agnostic that I am presently.
I am not proud of who I was, but I realized ✨why✨ I was. Adolescent Alex was a product of collecting and leasing thoughts and ideas that weren't my own or were those I did not externally verify. As a neurodivergent, I piece-mealed the personalities and opinions of my acquaintances into an amalgamation that I wrongly thought was ✨cool✨ to try and fit in. As soon as I left my southern middle class predominantly white community bubble, and got accepted into a public residential state-sponsored performing arts high school, (yeah, I know, the name of the school is pretty long too.) I started to not only question everything I knew but I was also being questioned on everything that I thought I had believed.
In the two years I attended, I gained close LGBTQ friends and became an ally*. I realized that some of the beliefs I inherited from others did not sit well with me once given all the facts. I also tried, several times, to be a better Christian. Only to finally accept my personal spiritual belief system by the time I left for college.
I changed, and thought I was finally living as my most authentic self.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!! 🤣😂🥲.
I will not be so naïve to say that I am currently living as my most authentic self, but it is certainly the closest I've ever been.
In the past two years I have discovered two health attributes that I have been unknowingly suffering with for most of my life. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Fructose Malabsorption. The first I am sure you are at least somewhat familiar with, and the latter might be exotic.
Fructose Malabsorption is by definition the inability to process Fructose in excess of Glucose. In medically improper laymen's terms: I am allergic to sugar. It's very similar to Lactose Intolerance in it's affects, but just for Fructose. Which is unfortunately common in most processed American food. Anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup will cause me severe gastric pain and distress.
But wow Alex, since it's in everything... Were you just sick all the time? YUP. My family always chalked it up to our hereditary general gastric problems, and none of the THREE gastroenterologists I went to and worked with ever suggested that the cause of my pain might be nutritional. I found out by random chance because one of my coworker's daughters happened to have the MUCH more severe version of the condition (Hereditary Fructose Intolerance) and recommended I cut sugar for two weeks and see what happened.
I cut all sugar for two weeks. ALL my symptoms disappeared. I gradually reintroduced it and found that about 15 grams of excess Fructose is the point in which it causes me pain. Which is rough equivalent to the sugar in 2 slices of plain white bread 🙃
Luckily through trial and research I've been able to switch to the sugar free or diabetic version of most sugary foods and found what worked for me. The result of cutting sugar for two years and making a few small healthier decisions like; walks, stretching in the morning, and just doing as many pushups as was comfortable whenever I remembered to do it: I have lost around 80 pounds since January 2021, going from 330 to 250. I didn't go to the gym. I didn't go on runs. I just had the dual edged sword of being intolerant to something that was so fattening, while also feeling healthy enough to do those small daily things.
Enough about sugar. I wanted to share that because prior to discovering my condition, I had been severely obese most of my life. I also had the mindset that I would continue to be obese for the rest of my life. As a performer, it's crazy how many more things you can do when you are less fat. It's crazy how much more energy, motivation, and confidence you have when you are less fat. It's crazy how people's opinions, expectations, and the way they treat you changes when you are less fat. This isn't becoming a health coaching, it's a testimony of how taking the time to learn something about yourself can drastically change your life. Even if that something was an attribute you had strongly believed would remain constant throughout the remainder of your life.
Many of us are afraid of being hypocritical. We are afraid to become contradictory and accept the beliefs, ideas, and lifestyles that we may have once staunchly rejected or rediculed. It's okay, and expected, for you to change. It's perfectly fine to change your opinions once presented with new information. It's totally acceptable to admit you were wrong, or misinformed.
Beyond outgrowing generational hate and bigotry, the way you view life and relationships can also change.
I began counseling this past year. We went through a lot of the anxieties and worries that I had, and some of the frustrations that I was hanging on to.
If you know me at all, you are likely aware of my massive private student debt, that has required $1000 a month from me since I was 20 years old. It's something that has driven me to desperation, depression, anger, and hopelessness.
For years, I let it consume me. I pointed blame, I grieved time I thought I had wasted or lost. I felt that this titantic weight was holding me hostage, away from my ultimate dream to pursue art for a living. I watched my more financially free peers pursue the arts and live my dream as I smoldered in my misguided envy and jealousy.
A change in perspective is a hell of a thing.
Over time, I stopped trying to place blame. I stopped trying to run away from it, and actually took steps to try and pay it down as fast as possible to get it gone. Because, after all, time always moves forward.
I came to appreciate that; in my stubborn and relentless efforts to try and pursue arts while making enough money through corporate to make my student mortgage payments... I had accidentally lived an interesting life. I had unintentionally done some really cool things. Through my fervent ferocity, (and working some really concerning amounts of hours) I had taken the time to actually learn myself. I learned my desires, my passions, and started to understand what truly makes my lumpy mush of brain goop produce the proper chemcials to be happy and fulfilled.
I will never understand why our society makes us choose the course of our life at 17. While the end goal of my life now is in a similar line of business, the path and destination is wildy different than the one I envisioned or planned my college decision around.
I am, at this present moment, the product of my entire life. I am stronger from my struggle, I am wisened from my mistakes, I am more compassionate from my neglect, and I've learned grace from my grief.
I have stopped wasting energy on things I cannot change. I have began to be relentlessly positive in the face of the menacing and overwhelming. I have appreciated that beauty and terror resides in all things, and it's contingent on our perspective which aspect we experience.
Summaries are weird, and I won't attempt to paraphrase this rollercoaster tornado of script. Instead I'll try to leave you with an anecdotal nugget to ponder.
Your energy is precious, your time is limited. Be frugal with your worry, and be generous with your care. Your perspective can be beautifully unique. If you listen to others and listen to yourself, your perspective also has the capacity to become authentically and entirely your own.
Stay safe, stay well, and always remember that you matter. (Especially when you feel worthless.) Sending relentlessly positive vibes and energy to you and yours. Thank you for listening. ✨💜✨