Both of my children have wonderfuly unique personalities, and as such, both Phil and I have different relationships with each child.
I'm going to focus on my youngest, as he was the topic of our conversation this morning.
Before I tell you this story, a little background - he is my clingy child. I'm his go-to person when he's upset (I'm also daughter's, but even more so with him).
He often wants cuddles all the time, which I love. However sometimes it can get overwhelming so I set firm boundaries with him on when I'm okay with it and when I'm not.
This morning he was being particularly clingy as he wanted to take a large cardboard box to school and I was saying no.
He was at my feet, curled up in a blanket, holding onto my legs.
He wasn't crying or upset; he was just being clingy because he wasn't getting what he wanted.
It was time for him to brush his teeth, so I said "Okay it's time to brush your teeth now", and he shook his head and clung on further to my legs.
Phil (my husband) was at the dining room table watching this unfold.
I said to my son "I'm going to need you to let go of my leg now and go and brush your teeth, I will be here when you get back"; but he dug his heels in, shook his head and held on tighter.
I could see my husband getting annoyed at him for not listening to me, and rightly so - it's so frustrating when the kids don't listen to me until I lose my shit.
But often losing your shit means a whole bunch of other stuff happening that you end up having to work harder to undo.
Anyway, all my husband wants to do is help but I know by him "helping" it can backfire (and I'll explain that in a minute).
My husband ended up saying in a firm tone "Okay it's time to brush your teeth now Ronan, you heard Mum" - but YET AGAIN he shook his head.
I could now see Phil getting angry and I knew where it was going.
So I said to Ronan "Look, go and brush your teeth and when you come back you can cuddle with me on the chair" and that helped him decide to go and brush his teeth.
Now don't get me wrong - there are instances where I'll just blow up because I get sick of the kids not listening. BUT if my husband was the one who got angry when the situation involves me, it can sometimes backfire and make the situation worse.
When my son went and brushed his teeth, I said to my husband "sometimes I don't want you to intervene because if you get angry, then he gets upset and I end up having to not only manage what he's dealing with now, but I also have to manage his emotions around getting yelled at".
I don't know if anyone else feels like that but often when I'm negotiating the kids' emotions, I take this into consideration.
Is the fall out from how I react going to cause more of a problem? Because if so, then I'll absolutely rethink how I approach something.
Sometimes I can't help but yell because it's so damn frustrating being ignored or not listened to, but other times I have the foresight to step back.
There are definitely times though, like this morning, where having the other parent intervene can backfire and make it so incredibly hard to deal with.
PS just so you know, when my son came back from brushing his teeth I made sure to let him know his behaviour in this instance wasn't appropriate.