She was a beautiful liar. No one could see through the smile on her face to see the pain in her eyes. She woke up, everyday, just to plaster a masked smile on her face. “I’m fine,” she’d tell everyone. Everyone would believe her, except one person. Every night, she’d fall back into an Instagram black hole, talking to only those who understood her day. Even then, they were so far away that regardless of communication, she was alone. So very, very alone. Her room was chilled, having only red string lights around the ceiling. She curled into her heated blanket every night, hoping to get at least three hours of sleep. Sometimes it worked- other times she talked to friends in Australia and gave up on the prospect of sleep. She would get up the next morning, and plaster that smile right back on her face. She would be told, “you look so much better!” all the time. Her heart breaks more every time. The pain in her body and her mind only increased exponentially. No one knew, and it was heartbreaking. She dreams for the day that her dream becomes a reality. Gosh, she hopes it does. Her one true chance at independence, hanging by a thread of hope. Who knew it would be so hard to hold onto that slowly breaking string? She had to make it. She had to make it to Oklahoma, all the way from Michigan. Dreaming daily of gliding around the world, going out with less pain, it felt so far away. She was losing that thread of hope, dangling just out of her reach. One day, she hopes her dream becomes reality. To go out, to roll around, to dance and laugh and play. To chase her dreams, even if they’re sitting down.
In reality, that girl is me. I am the girl with the disorder that stole my life. I am the girl that wants her life back. I am the girl that dreams of visiting my closest friend, who just so happens to live in Oklahoma. I am the girl that plasters a smile on my face everyday, hoping that no one sees the mental and physical pain attacking me daily. I am the girl with the Instagram friends. I am the girl who posts and shares to make others feel less alone. I am the girl that struggled in silence for far too long. I am the girl that wants a wheelchair that would save my life. After all, I was a beautiful liar for so long, so who would know?