If you are reading this, chances are you have painful memories and experiences that you badly want to forget. Dealing with those memories irritate and anger you on some days, and on worse days, those cripple you to inaction and even depression. The problem is, probably, you do not know how to forget those memories and you find it difficult to live your everyday life without getting affected by them. Am I right?
Well, if I am right, then let me be upfront with you and say that your struggle is normal and many people share the same struggle. I am saying this not to minimize your experience and to devalue your feelings. I am saying this to put things into perspective so you do not overwhelm yourself with the thought that you, out of all people, are the only one doomed into a lifetime of suffering. After all, the goal of this post is to help you deal with trauma -- not to tell you that your pain is insurmountable and incomparable to the rest of the world.
So if you are sick of the feeling of never-ending pain that comes with old wounds and if you are sincerely serious about moving on, then take the following 3 steps that could greatly help you in overcoming trauma:
Name your demon
The first step towards healing is knowing what it is exactly you want to heal from. The keyword phrase here is heal from and not run away from. If you have been running away from your painful memories, then you should know by now that they have a way of catching up, so it is pointless to use that strategy at this point.
Your first job towards healing is to feel all the garbage you probably have been ignoring all your life for your peace of mind. Or ironically, if you are not ignoring your garbage, then you are possibly embracing them out of desperation for something familiar (which is usually pain). Your job is to be conscious of your pain without succumbing to it or treating it like a baby that needs pampering. Once you have felt it, the next step is to put some distance between you and the pain by laying them all down like cards on the table. Then, you get to name those cards.
You do not get to name the cards Jack or Ace though. You name them for what they are -- demons and traumas. If you label yourself as a victim of bullying, and you think Jack was the reason for all your suffering, then by all means acknowledge that Jack is the host of the demon that eats you up. But Jack is not your demon. Jack is not with you 24/7. Bullying is not your demon either, since you are not getting bullied everyday. Your demon is whatever it is that Jack made you feel you either lost along the way or something he made you feel you inherently do not have. It is something that comes up a lot in your stressful days. For example, if Jack made you feel dumb and small, then your demon is insecurity in the thought that other people like Jack are probably smarter and bigger and that you can never be like them. Your insecurity is your demon. It is what stays with you all the time -- not Jack. Your brain just subconsciously says Jack is the one causing you pain because it is much easier to put a face on the trauma. Counter it by consciously renaming the trauma by yourself. Just admit it.
Control your demon
Naming your demon and admitting that it is your demon does not mean that your demon is right. In other words, having trauma does not mean that the reason for trauma is real. You have to analyze your trauma, see it for what it is, and then hold it in the reigns. Learn to let go of the things that you cannot control about it and rule over what you can.
To be honest, this is something that is conceptually easy to understand, but in reality if you have trauma, it is quite difficult to actually believe. Because let us be real here. We won't be in a state of trauma if we do not believe our demons to be somewhat true, right?
For instance, if Jack made you feel dumb and for so long you cannot stop feeling dumb because of him, regardless if you are the smartest or the most talented person ever, somehow you think there is truth in what Jack made you feel. Maybe you think you are smarter than him academically, but you probably see in him street-smart and life skills that you do not think you easily have. Or perhaps, if he is indeed very smart, maybe you subconsciously rate yourself lower than him even if you are not exactly what people would consider as dumb. Do you get what I mean? And there still are probably other reasons you feel dumb and you cannot help but feel that way.
But what is great about identifying and naming your demon is that once you know how your demon exactly looks like, your demon cannot look even more uglier than it is. If you know that your trauma about bullying gave you insecurity, and you acknowledge that in moments of weaknesses you feel insecure, then you know exactly which direction to take and not to take. You know that the right way to control your demon is by not feeding it or not letting it drag you to just about any direction.
To give you a picture on how to control your demon, then let us use the same example about feeling dumb. In times of insecurity, you might not exactly feel like you are smart but you can tell yourself that learning is something that anyone can do. And if you try to learn something and you find it difficult, then instead of instantly thinking you are dumb, you can start with the thought that learning is not a linear pattern. With every learning, comes some degree of failure and the same is true the other way around.
Here you will see that since you already know that insecurity is your trauma, Jack is nowhere to be found. He is immaterial. He no longer matters. He is a thing of the past. He is somewhere out there and I can tell you for sure he is not thinking about you. So you can forget him now. You and your insecurity are the only ones here. Sadly for insecurity, since you have already begun to acknowledge it, then you can now start your journey to put an end to it or at least learn to control it. You are now it's boss. You get to choose where it goes. Actually, isn't it cool to imagine that you are in control of a demon? If your life is a movie and in it you get to ride a scary dragon, then that image is much more epic. That version of you is freaking strong, cool and smart. So why not start seeing things through that lens?
Be patient with yourself
I am so stupid! I could have dealt with this better but I just keep on failing. Others can probably deal with this better than me. No, I am sure of it! They can! So why can't I? This line of thinking can lead to hopelessness. There are million other ways you can talk badly about yourself like this, and in all those you feel powerless to change your situation.
The solution here is to give yourself enough time to develop the habit of controlling your demon. If you have lived for 10 years thinking you are all those negative adjectives you call yourself and believing that you do not deserve love, respect, or peace, it will also take you some time to throw away all the trash your trauma forced you to carry. Be patient with yourself and trust the process. Remember how you learned something you really loved? You were patient with yourself in those moments. And in times when you were not patient, I am sure you did not give up. That is why you were able to learn what you know now. It is just the same thing. It might seem like big talk now and you may tell me that learning piano is different from healing from trauma, but there is no better way to learn and heal than letting time do its magic. What is important is you partner up with your days and weeks and trust that you will get to healing one day.
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There are still other ways on how to deal with trauma. But these 3 steps are some of the main steps you need to do to start your journey to healing. If you want to read more about this topic from me and for additional tips, send me a comment or a message.
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