Jun 05, 2022
3 mins read
For your entertainment, we present MISS WHITE & FRIENDS: A fantasy novella for adults, available for purchase in its entirety.
Myriad escapees from storybooks end up in Scotland and retell their lives. They are visited by dead singers, a crew from the ISS, dead pianists, Marching Bands, talking horses, magic beans, giants, Australian Aborigines, pigs, sheep, zebras, pigs, white mice etc. ad nauseum.
Please enjoy and thank you for reading my work.
For half a minute they stood waiting, then the door opened and Miss White stood in front of them, still wearing her strange ancient clothes. She really didn’t look human and Mitch gulped. Another head appeared behind hers and he recognised Cinderella, or Faustigata Maria Goblockstoolson as she preferred to be known, and then another head popped up and that was Sue Smith a.k.a Sleeping Beauty.
“How kind, do come in and make our breakfast.” Snow White moved aside so the pair could enter the house.
“Did you sleep well?” Tilly asked looking around. She was shocked because the room was an absolute mess. There were dirty wine glasses on the tables and the bench in the kitchen held a dozen or so empty wine bottles. There were used dishes piled high on the dining table and the sink was full of cups and mugs.
“Did you have a party?” Mitch asked as he gawped at the mess.
“You might well call it that. We were celebrating our freedom actually. Now just clean up a bit little dears. I shall have poached eggs; what would you like Faustigata Maria Goblockstoolson?”
Faustigata Maria Goblockstoolson thought for a moment. “I think smoked salmon on thinly sliced brownish bread with lashings of butter and a little seafood sauce and a squeeze of lemon and black pepper, make sure you spread the butter right to the edge of the bread please. You had better make some bread my dear as we ate all there was last evening.” She gave Tilly such a lovely smile the child thought it rude not to help.
“What about you Sue?” Snow asked the young woman who stood admiring herself in the mirror while rearranging her artificial curls around her tiara. Her hair was revolting and appeared to be made of plastic or some other man-made substance. It sat on her head like a helmet. “Oh, well as we are in Scotia I will opt for that revolting lumpy grey porridge thanks and a bottle of single malt whisky to wash it down of course.” She continued to preen while Mitch washed the dishes and Tilly cleared the mess from the sitting and dining rooms. When that was done, Tilly placed three plates in the oven to warm; put the porridge on to cook then broke the eggs into the poaching pan. Tilly looked in the bench refrigerator but could find no smoked salmon. “I’m sorry there’s no salmon.”
“Oh fiddle-de-Dee, fiddle-de-Damnation, of course there is, here you are.” She waved what Tilly believed to be some kind of wand and a huge smoked salmon fell from the ceiling and dropped onto the bench.
Mitch stared in incredulity, then looked up at the woman. “How did you do that? He asked.
“Easy Peasy Bread And Cheesy Deary Weesie. I, err, um, that is to say, I sort of borrowed this magical stick from a rotund little woman named Fairy Godmother. All you do is wave it about a bit and picture what it is you want, and Hey Presto – there it jolly well is. Great isn’t it, would you like something dear?” Her eyes rested on the boy.
Tilly stood very still and rubbed her eyes. She looked in the bread crock but as she had said previously, they had eaten an entire loaf.
“Err, I don’t have any way to make bread either.” Tilly stared at Faustigata Maria Goblockstoolson and wondered how she would get over that problem?
“Nothing my dear could be simpler. Stand aside and open that oven door would you por favor? By the by, I am multilingual. Have to be. Bloody hard learning all those languages so children of all makes and nations can read the utter tosh the Grimms wrote about us, mind you I found it damned hard learning signing.” Once more she waved the wand and two large steaming hot loaves appeared inside the oven; the air was thick with the redolence of freshly baked bread. Mitch drooled all over the floor.