So I keep wanting to write about something, and then I don’t have the time or the energy for it, and then another thing happens, and the first thing feels irrelevant to write about, and I procrastinate more, then the third thing happens, and now I’ve got two things I ended up not talking about, and it's snowballing, and I get progressively more discouraged... And now here I am not knowing where to start and what to do.
I slept on the floor again today. I went to bed at 1 am, got woken up at 2 am by an air raid… And let me tell you, I do not react to every single air raid. The first thing I do when I hear a siren is pick up my phone and see what’s the reason for the alarm. MiG-31K in Belarus? Every Ukrainian should have a legal right to spit on that thing after we win, but I’m ignoring that thing. Possible launches from the Black Sea? well, I’ll unmute the notifications channel just in case and go about my business anyway. Launches from Kaspean sea? Nope, not joking with that one, dropping everything and hiding in the hallway, monitoring all the chats all the time, checking up on my friends - full-on panic mode. The other clue that shit is serious is when they preventively turn off the power. If the water disappears too, it wasn’t preventive, we were already hit.
So, I dragged my birds, pillows, and blankets to the hallway and was hoping that Odesa wouldn't get targeted. It’s a horrible horrible thing to hope for, but yeah, when you’re in a life-or-death situation you WILL think “please, not me” and feel bad about thinking that. So I hoped that I would just chill in the hall for like an hour and return to my bed. I knew that wouldn’t happen when the power went out at around 3.
Sometimes when I get nervous during air raids I text my friends, and they are amazing friends who keep me company until it’s over. I also have friends who get severe anxiety attacks during the raids, so I chat with them, and keep them company. No matter how introverted you are, most people prefer company in a time like that.
That was a long attack, russians are trying new techniques. The rockets are not flying in “waves” now, they fly in a constant dragged-out stream. I heard explosions, I read about explosions, my friends from other cities spoke of explosions, the notifications about more and more launches were coming in, every “direction: Odesa” message would make my blood go colder, and I would turn up the jokes to calm my friends down in case they saw it too.
At around 4 am it sort of calmed down, and by 5 am my adrenaline wore out and I decided to take a nap. I was sure the raid would be over soon, I’ll get up and go sleep some more in bed.
I woke up at 7, opened my eyes thinking: “Great, I overslept the end of the alarm”, I grabbed my phone only to see that nope, the raid was still on.” However, it was over pretty soon after I woke up. So I dragged my birds, pillows, and blankets back to my room, and was going to sleep some more since I did not really have to get up early. But that did not happen. You don’t just go to sleep after a night like that. Most people haven’t slept at all, some lucky ones like me napped for a few hours. The entire country was groggy and grumpy the entire day. We mourned the dead, and cursed russia, and thanked our soldiers for their heroism, and we drank lots of coffee and we worked, and we asked each other how we were, and we took care of one another, and we powered on - because what else is there for us to do?
I always cry in the morning. Every day for over a year. I mourn the dead, I hurt because of injustice, and cruelty, and blind hatred our neighbors are throwing at us, and I miss my old life, and the innocence I’ve lost forever. But today I cried because of Saqartvelo (this is what we’re starting to call Georgia in Ukraine, because this is what they call themselves, and we know the significance of being called your actual name). Qartveli are amazing, and brave, and I admire them so much. And I feel irrationally proud when I see them fight. I have absolutely zero reasons to be personally proud, I’ve done nothing to associate with their bravery, but I can't help it: I look at them, and I feel my heart swelling with pride. Today I cried because they played the Ukrainian anthem and other songs during their protests. Seeing the symbols of my country being carried by other people as universal symbols of the fight against tyranny is just a feeling I have no vocabulary to describe because life never prepared me for something like this.
The world is changing, and we are the ones changing it. All those people who built dynasties and grew their influence and networks and money are about to learn that they are powerless against us, people with voices, who are done being afraid.