Dear Neva,

What you're going through right now isn't anything new. You know how these things go, and unfortunately, you haven't learned your lesson, so you have to keep repeating your mistakes until you do.

You fall for men who are good with words. When they bare themselves to you, their thoughts, their dreams, their stories, your tendency is to fall for them. You open your heart, and become the victim of their recklessness. But nobody told you to stand there, and listen to them. Nobody told you to agree to every dinner, every invitation to a situation you know may not be the best for you.

Still, don't beat yourself up. Loneliness is hard. Especially the loneliness that comes from being true to yourself. It's been a long time since someone has even tried to get close. The ones who did, were non-negiotiably-not-right for you. You aren't expecting too much, but you've come too far to compromise.

Sometimes you wish there were a roadmap, something to help you figure things out. But there's no such thing, and life will go on, with or without you moving along with it. 

And he doesn't feel the same way.

The only certain thing you can hold onto is yourself. Your breath, your body, your heart -- all of it -- no matter how out of control you may feel, you belong to yourself, and no one else. 

One day, this will be a distant memory for you, the same way it was with the other one, and the first one. Like a star you see every now and then, when the sky is clear, and you just happen to be looking up. Like a pebble out of so many pebbles on the shore.

Whatever else happens, you will get over this. Your life will continue. Your heart will heal. 

Stop panicking, wondering what to do to stop the pain; to prepare for the day he comes up to you, and introduces the one he chose instead of you. Stop trying to insulate yourself, and put your thoughts on the days ahead. 

Let the surprises come. Let your heart break. Allow your nights to drown in sorrow, and all your worst fears come to pass.

Your only obligation right now is to live. To look forward to your success. To the love that will one day come into your life, quietly, naturally, to show you: look, this is the happiness you've always known you'll find, in spite of yourself.


Your Future Self