Your Emotional Window of Tolerance

Your Emotional Window of Tolerance

Nov 11, 2020

The "Window of Tolerance" is a phrase coined by Dr. Seigel. His work gave a visual to an understanding of how our nervous system processes certain events and situations in our life. While I had been teaching this information to my clients for years, finding Dr. Seigel's "window" analogy helped to give a picture to the information and a better way of explaining that most could understand.

Understanding our nervous system is the cornerstone to the trauma work I do and I am thankful for Dr. Siegel's analogy. It allowed me to help convey that somewhat complex information in an easier way for my clients to understand.  

This post will give a brief overview of our “Window of Tolerance”, along with some skills that can be performed to help regulate our nervous system and keeping us in our “Window of Tolerance”. Additionally its information/ skills that can help push us back into the window when needed.

So what is the "Window of Tolerance"?

wot_blog5.jpgOur “Window of Tolerance” describes our optimal zone of arousal states where we are able to manage our day-to-day lives. Operating in this normal “window” allows us to respond to all that comes our way without getting thrown out of the window into territory we don't know how to manage.

 

wot_blog6.jpgWhen we are outside of our window of tolerance, our nervous system responds by going into survival mode. This is where we can either feel anxious or overwhelmed as we go further into hyper-arousal/sympathetic nervous system or we can shut down and plummet all the way down into hypo-arousal, where our nervous system takes over in a mission to protect, leaving us in a feeling of disconnection, numbness and depression. 

wot_blog7.jpgWe need to remember that everyone is different and depending on our individual resilience factors and our coping skills, our window of tolerance can be narrow or wide. Its when we are able to widen our window of tolerance, we can enjoy more smooth sailing regardless of the daily obstacles or situations we encounter. A widened window allows us to not be as affected by more things that come into our path. 

 

So how can I widen my "window" or ensure I get back into my "window" if I find myself out of it?

One of the skills I mention a lot when it comes to nervous system regulation is Mindfulness. The Mindfulness practice can be used in so many different ways, various locations and in a variety of situations. Its one of those things that can truly be done anywhere at any time.  I have some clients who use the technique to shut down panic attacks and others use a variety of mindfulness just wanting to keep centered daily. With regards to our emotional window of tolerance, I think mindfulness can play a huge role in a couple of different ways.

First of all for those not sure what mindfulness is:  Mindfulness is the present moment awareness. It means paying attention to our thoughts, emotions, and feelings in the body as they are happening in the now and adopting an attitude of curiosity and compassion for them. Its acknowledging them, understanding why they are present and working with them to put them to rest properly (not allowing them to overtake us). 

Like I mentioned earlier, there are a few different types of mindfulness practices, but at the basic level the practice of mindful awareness can help us to feel better and gain focus, especially if we are struggling with difficult unregulated and unresolved emotions.  

Mindfulness is a skill of stepping into being present with whatever is happening, rather than allowing your body to react and hijack your nervous system, while taking you on an emotional ride you were not prepared for or sticking you on autopilot. 

 

The bigger picture of mindfulness (regardless of which mindful practice you do) is that it teaches us to: 

  • Be more present and engaged in everyday life, rather than being lost in thoughts about the past or worry about the future.

  • Step out of autopilot so we can be more purposeful in our day-to-day choices. 

  • Notice our direct experiences (body sensations, emotions, thoughts) – whether they be pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. 

  • Regulate emotions as they start coming up. 

  • Learn to respond rather than react. 

 

Mindfulness gives us the ability to regulate our emotions, allowing us to stay in our window, giving us the ability to be mindful of fluctuations in our levels of arousal and to respond accordingly. By becoming aware of body sensations (tightness in chest, shallow breathing, clenched jaw), thoughts and emotions, we can learn to recognize when we are in our optimal zone or “normal window” or going outside our window into hyper or hypo-arousal. 

As someone who has been certified in teaching mindfulness I am not sure if everyone has the same understanding as to what mindfulness is, as it has become a widely used term these days and depending on where you hear it or what conditions it is being used in, it can have different meanings. For myself and my clients Mindfulness is not a one and done thing to do, its a state of constant awareness.  It is something that is always “on” and always being used.  The more you understand and use mindfulness on the daily, it just becomes a normal way of life.  


Having an understanding of Mindfulness gives us skills to: 

  • Notice when we are heading outside our window and get us back on course 

  • Recognize when were in the danger zone and bring ourselves back to safety through grounding skills


So what are some of those mindful skills you can use along once you identify what thoughts or emotions are coming up?
Using some of the mindful or grounding skills below can serve as a life preserver in those moments of extreme distress, helping stop your slide further outside your window and bring you back into your window of tolerance.

  • Take deep “belly” breaths; lengthening your inhale and exhale. 

  • Release gripped hands, relaxed tense shoulders, unclench jaws. 

  • Stand or sit tall; feel the ground beneath you and/or any supports such as a chair.

  • Take a brief walk, notice/ bring focus to what's around you, sights, sounds, smells.   

  • Observe your surroundings, bring attention/focus to your senses.  What sights, sounds, smells, textures are around you.  How many “things” can you identify?

  • Listen to a song you enjoy.  

  • Scents can also bring calm to the mind allowing you the few minutes to focus your attention.  So light a candle or diffuse some essential oils, even baking can add a pleasurable scent. Baking or cooking gives you double the benefit in that the act of baking or cooking can help bring focus to the task of mixing and measuring, adding to the aroma, bringing you out of hyper or hypo arousal states. 

 

The 3-5-Minute Breather/body scan provides another way to step out of automatic pilot and reconnect with the present moment. The key skill in mindfulness practice is to maintain awareness in the moment (so you notice when you are slipping outside your zones/window). This little scan can be done anywhere in any situation, from a daily check-in practice to a tool to use if you start feeling the slide out of your zone, and can be done in as little as 3-5 min, longer if you want. (see the 3 following steps below)

1 Awareness - Bring yourself into the present moment, this can be done by getting in a deliberate posture (sit, lay, stand against a wall or strengthen your stance by planting your feet firmly on the ground) and “ready” yourself to become more aware. Once you find a comfortable position and are ready, soften gaze or close eyes then start to acknowledge what sensations you might be feeling, notice any good or not so good sensations. Any tightness, uncomfortableness, joy, calm.  Whatever you feel, just acknowledge it, even if unwanted. 
2. Gather -  Now gently redirect your attention to breathing.  Notice each inhale and exhale, even saying to yourself the words "inhale", "exhale", is helpful to bring your mind and attention to your breath.  Make the breaths longer as you continue focusing on your breathing.  Long, deep breaths are beneficial to not only regulate our breathing, but also provide much needed oxygen to our brain. 
3. Expand - After focusing on your breath a few times now expand your awareness to other areas of the body. Start from head and work your way down to the feet (name each body section as you scan down).  Notice any sensations in any areas and release any tensions or feelings that might be present with each exhale in each area of the body as you scan down.  

What does all this look like in practice: For myself I not only teach mindfulness but have a daily practice of mindfulness, it's a normal way of my own living now for me. Mindfulness helped me get out of severe clinical depression and calm my own anxiety. Understanding and making a conscious effort to use the practice allows me to go about my day as normal as possible. And because I am more aware of my body’s “talk”, I know when I am starting to feel a certain emotion or sensation starting to come up to the surface (reach just outside of my own window).  My body automatically senses when things are out of the proper zones, brings it to my attention along with the reason it is there (a reason that is usually connected to past emotional trauma). My body goes into action changing my thoughts, emotions, breathing pattern and shifts me away from the dangerous path I was starting to go down and bring me back to center, regulating me without too much trouble. I know that sounds kind of simple and unbelievable or even unattainable. I have news for you.....for myself and my hundreds of clients that have made the decision to put mindfulness practice in their daily life can tell you, it IS achievable for those who want to change and are willing to put in the work.  Mindfulness understanding and practice, combined with another evidence base approach of changing limited beliefs (I have a workbook and also classes on this topic), can be the one two punch your unresolved trauma needs to no longer have a strong hold on your life. It does takes work, especially at the beginning. And there may be times that are extra heavy that will require a little more work, but even those moments are now manageable.

Life…... it comes whether you are ready or not and it doesn’t hold back.  It doesn't say “well I know Susan has had a bad day already or that Larry has unresolved trauma so I will spare them a new difficult moment”.  Life..... well it doesn't care where you are or what you are going through, its going to keep happening regardless.  

I love the quote from Kamal Ravikant which is “Life is from the inside out, when you shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside”.  When you say it a few times and truly hear what it is saying it makes sense. I say don't fear the unknown of change, embrace it, don't go it alone and get excited about the emotionally regulated life you can have by moving toward the change (not running from it) and changing the inside so that you can have a peaceful outside.
 

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