When working in the land of emotional trauma as I do, there is a saying that we are either an "orchid" or a "dandelion", with beautiful and somewhat fragile orchids only able to thrive in certain specific gentle conditions and the hearty dandelions being able to thrive anywhere. When I first learned of these I laughed but then I quickly realized what they ment and how true these herbal references were. References that would make even more sense given the population I was serving at the time. I would even take it one step further with my understanding that the "dandelion" is often known as a weed and something to "get rid of". Ironic since we should all be striving to be more like the resilient dandelion, and to think it is something that should be thrown away says a lot about the world we live in, mental health talk aside.
At the time I learned of these terms I was working with teens who had essentially been "tossed away", like we often do with weeds. These teens had complex issues from incarceration and abuse to neglect and homelessness, they would not only be considered dandelions but were literally tossed aside by society, family and more. The funny thing was that while we generally don't want weeds in the garden, they are in fact the most resilient thing there. I have taken baby care of flowers to help them grow, nurtured as if I was mother nature herself, and they end up not doing so well. I then look two feet to the left growing out of a crack in the sidewalk is a weed, a dandelion thriving without any care given to it (pretty sure not only has it not been cared for but also stepped on numerous times). The youth I worked with was no exception. Society, family and more had failed these guys and were tossing them out, even with all they had gone through they often showed me the most resiliency, especially compared to others I was/had worked with. There were some that had gone through unimaginable things in life and not only were they still standing, but also still persevering. These kids had a drive to "make it" more than those who seemed to have their life all mapped out with a pretty bow wrapped around it. They were my dandelions growing on their own in the crack of life's sidewalk. This led me to research even more about emotional resilience. Why do some crumble at the slightest thing, while others can show strength and a willingness through insurmountable obstacles.
For the past several years now I have been continuing my research and understanding of emotional resilience, giving speeches and doing workshops helping others understand, recognize and change. In addition to my research I also have over 9,000 client hours under my belt where I have worked with many and seen first hand the various levels of resiliency and it continues to amaze me. Because of the work I do and have done, I can tell you from my experiences that I have seen those with a higher degree of emotional resilience have the ability to handle not only the stresses that come with daily life more effectively and calmly, but are also able to manage crises and traumatic events with more ease. I am amazed at the level of resiliency some of my clients have, given their past challenges they should no longer be standing, yet not only are they standing but like I mentioned before they are continuing to strive for better in the face of continuous obstacles.
So What Exactly is Emotional Resilience?
Emotional resilience refers to an individual's ability to adapt to stressful situations or events. Individuals who are more resilient are able to "roll with the punches' ' and adapt more easily to the situation(s) at hand without lasting difficulties. Less resilient individuals may have a harder time with stress and traumatic events, both major and minor, choosing to crumble, avoid or give-up altogether. Resilience has its benefits for both daily life stressors as well as for any traumatic events that may also occur.
What Influences Emotional Resilience?
It is said by many that "emotional resilience is something you're born with". But it has been my opinion that this is not entirely the case. Some even will say that it is in a person's nature that they are less stressed or affected by change or stressful events. While I can agree with this to a certain extent, again I don t believe it is something those individuals were born with. There are many factors that go into a person's resiliency and even level of resiliency. What I have found is that what may appear to be something someone was born with, may in fact be something they learned while young, by possibly being around people who were highly resilient themselves. In other cases young people learn to become resilient out of necessity to survive and that resiliency continues to grow with them, thus appearing to be something they were "born with".
For me I see emotional resilience as a trait that can be developed or learned. In fact, it's a trait that is worth developing for many reasons. In doing so it can transform your life and your experience in handling stress or stressful situations. Because I believe resiliency can be developed, I don't see it as something that you either possess or don't possess. The reason I don't believe this is that there are varying degrees of resilience as well various levels within the traits that generally are associated with resilience, traits we find matching in most who are considered resilient. Individuals can be real resilient with certain stressors and have zero resiliency with others. Resiliency is not a package you are given when confronted with a situation, it truly depends on your personal development and the environment you developed in.
Below some of the traits or characteristics that resilient individuals seem to share, while below we have some tips on how to build or strengthen those traits to help yourself become more resilient.
Trait - Emotional Awareness: Individuals with emotional awareness understand what they are feeling and why.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Become Aware: Emotional awareness is important so individuals understand what they are feeling and why. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed with their emotions, and this frightens and immobilizes them, but knowing why you feel upset can provide information about what needs to change.
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Trait - Perseverance: Individuals who are action oriented trust in the process and don't give up.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Develop the Right Attitude: Resilient people tend to view life’s difficulties as challenges and respond accordingly with action, rather than with fear, self-pity or blame. While life can be challenging, an important step in becoming more resilient is to develop positive self-talk and to remind yourself that you are strong and can grow stronger as you handle life’s challenges.
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Trait - Internal Control: Individuals believe that they themselves, rather than outside forces, are in control of their own lives. This trait is associated with less stress because people with an internal control and a realistic view of the world can be more proactive in dealing with stressors in their lives, they are more solution-oriented.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Develop an Internal Control: Resilient people with internal control believe that they’re in control of their lives, and it’s true. They understand they can’t control certain circumstances, but can control how we respond to those circumstances. Fortunately, internal control can be developed, with taking charge over the negative internal chatter and understanding that you yourself need to put in the work to get the outcomes you want. Waiting around for others to do for you, will only increase your stress waiting on others actions or non-action. Those with internal control are great problem solvers.
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Trait - Optimism: Individuals who see the positives in most situations and believe in their own strengths. This can shift how they handle problems from a victim mentality to an empowered one.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Cultivate Optimism: Being an optimist is more than looking on the bright side, It’s a way of viewing the world where you maximize your strengths and accomplishments and minimize your weaknesses and setbacks. So what you made a mistake, you learn from it and move on, dwelling on it and thinking that specific outcome will always be the outcome will only hold you back and keep you from trying.
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Trait - Support(s): While they tend to be strong individuals, they know the value of social support and can surround themselves with supportive friends, family and resources.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Support Systems: While we ultimately face our own challenges, a supportive family, friend or even community resources can help lighten the load when times get tough. Those with strong networks of social supports tend to stay healthier and happier throughout life and tend to cope well with stresses of daily life. On the other hand, those with little support may find themselves more vulnerable, lost and withdrawn. When a stressor hits, there is no one to turn to for assistance so they tend to curl up and hope the storm passes.
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Trait - Sense of Humor: Individuals strong in emotional resilience can laugh at life’s difficulties. This can be a tremendous asset, as it shifts one's perspective from seeing things as a threat to seeing them as a challenge, and this alters how the body reacts to stress.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Maintain Your Sense of Humor: They say laughter is the best medicine and that is certainly the case here. If you’re able to laugh at life’s frustrations, you can have increased immunity, better health and clear focus to manage stress better. When you do things like laughing your body produces and releases the feel good chemical, this allows your body to not go into hyper vigilant or stress out mode. It allows for a calmer you, a you that can have the moment needed to think rationally when stressors pop up. While being in chronic stress mode only allows the constant stress chemical like cortisol to be released, which can cause health concerns over time, in addition to you being unable to process a stressful situation properly.
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Trait - Perspective: Resilient individuals can learn from their mistakes (rather than deny them), see obstacles as challenges, and allow adversity to make them stronger. They can also find meaning in life’s challenges rather than seeing themselves as victims.
Build/Strengthen Trait - Don’t Give Up: While many people know of coping strategies that can help with stress, the most successful and resilient individuals are those who maintain the effort of practicing those strategies for the long term. Resilient individuals have the skills developed to see things through different lenses. They have the ability to stop and access the situation and form a plan before going straight to giving up. Resilient people don’t give up on uncomfortable situations. They work toward getting through it. They trust their process.
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In this day and age it is said most people of all ages are stressed and a significant proportion of individuals feel their stress coping abilities are inadequate. With people feeling more stressed as they try and juggle the daily demands of life, this can easily lead to individuals' mental and physical health taking a hit.
As someone herself that has had to build her resilience skills up, I can't stress the importance of managing your stress levels in a healthy way. Learning a better understanding of resilience and stress, along with strategies, can ultimately give you the help you need to better control your situation(s) and life.
In a world that is full of individuals wanting to be a beautiful perfect orchid, I say be proud to be the dandelion, do the work needed to strengthen, and let the inner beauty of strength shine. Orchids may be beautiful, but in the world we live in now, only the dandelions will continue to grow.