It's been a while since I posted. And I am going to be honest as to why.
Imposter Syndrome! I NEVER thought I would say that. WHY would someone care or even be interested in my life? What have I gone through that is so important or interesting for someone else?
My goal is to actual share my life and HOPEFULLY give someone else a hand in coming into the light. How can I be a light if I don't share? What changes am I able to share that could help someone else?
I don't know...but after months of reflection and DEFLECTION, I am diving back in.
I've been stuck. Stuck mentally about which direction I want to go. I am at a fork in the road; so shall I go left or shall I go right?
I've always been a dreamer. When I was a kid my imagination was strong! Stronger than the force of baby Yoda! Somewhere along the way that changed and I know when exactly that was. One day I was superwoman, another the bionic woman, another cat woman another one of my sisters (who were heroes in my eyes too) I was a world traveler, singing in cities all around the world. I was ANYTHING I wanted to be. So what changed?
I had a child at the age of 16 and I LOVE MY SON. He's a light in my life and I am so proud of him. He has had struggles in his life that he has overcome as well. When I was 16 and expecting my mother and aunties stepped right in and said I was to finish school and move forward. Each auntie helped me while I attended classes, worked and tried my hand at being a young mother, but in their assistance (which I am eternally grateful for) they forgot to let me learn to be a mother as well. Hell, I was only 16 and I turned 17 the month after my son was born. My mama stepped in and when it was time to study, she had my son. When I was at work, she had my son and when I got home and tried to step into the mother role, she blocked me. She always had the last say. And to be honest, she was still mothering me, so how can I be a mother and be mothered at the same time? It seemed I did everything wrong and so I felt I was not worthy.
I stayed in depression. I did not know what to do, how could I be the best mama to my son and also live out my dreams?
So I put my dreams of singing aside, attended a junior college, and got a degree in...
WORD PROCESSING...LOL, yep I said it. I am 52 at the time of this writing and word processing was a thing! Guess what, I hated it. It took everything in me to get that degree and become a secretary in somebody's office while all my friends from the arts school traveled the world, attended four-year colleges, and started amazing careers.
I ate...I ate a lot. I gained weight and started the yo-yo dieting world and got up to about 285 pounds at various points. I would lose it, gain it, gain more, lose it, gain it, gain even more. It was a horrendous cycle. I hated me. I hated to look in the mirror, I hated the every day 9 to 5 grind and I stopped singing except for church.
I gotta stop now....tears are flowing and so I must reflect on what my. heart needs.
I will continue my story in the next post.
