It’s been a really interesting start to the new calendar year, 2021, for me the new year energy began back on December 21 when I got to see the northern star, the Christmas star, the conjunction between Jupiter and Saturn in the night sky which hadn’t been seen for hundreds of years and won’t be see again in the lifetime of anyone I know or those born over the next hundred or so years. That whole experience was really cool and also took a bit to sink in but really helped the dust in this human body to settle and the ocean swim afterwards just took it all off.
I’ve been an anxious person most of my human life that I can remember, from about 7 onwards. There was a lot happening in my life that meant I needed to be awake, couldn’t sleep deeply in case something happened or someone came in or someone needed me and I’ve had many ‘imaginary friends’ that would keep me awake sometimes as well. During school it wasn’t good, high school even worse and then working life I excelled - why? Because I used work as a distraction, I’ve talked about being a workaholic before, but it all makes so much sense once you are through and can totally reflect.....
I remember reading an article, just a blog like this, not a research article - though I’m sure there are some- that talked about high functioning anxiety and as the 28 year old that I was at the time I brushed it off. But at 32 when my life had gone to shitagain..... but I had been the creator this time! I realised what was happening and that I had an idea of what was at play.
The way I break habits and form new ones has actually always been the same. I become aware or I recognise the behaviour. I get super aware or conscious of it - though that’s not a word I would’ve used before. And that’s the first step. I make notes about it in daily reflections, I’ll often wake up with moments of clarity or answers as to why I behave that way and then that’s when I can shift it.
ALL of what I do to break a habit is the awareness first and then it’s recognising that it’s someone else’s program and I have to un learn it.
I have heaps of examples for this, but I’ll use the one I have just managed to become totally aware of today because it’s fresh 😊
I’m sure you have all heard of the ego self by now, if you haven’t in a nutshell it’s how you behave when you are not operating from joy, calm, love, peace - whatever word describes who you are at your inner essence. I’ve done a lot of dancing with my ego and journeying through the shadows so I can help millions of people and complete my mission this time 😉🎩 yep I’m a tad nuts - but we all are!
And here is how it rolls;
Be gets tired, doesn’t realise that’s when she needs to put a 15 min meditation on or go into a chill state, body then fatigues due to the constant underlying need to do something which has come from an inability to do nothing because that’s not what you do (I’m being sarcastic but this is true for me and it’s a program someone else wrote for me as a small human child). And because I have run this program for so long that I don’t actually pick up on the first sign of tiredness, my trusty ego has already smashed me past the point of recovering the day and I’m left, yet again wondering, how does this happen?
Well I go from being busy to overdrive, my brain races, I begin to check messages on both phones (yes both.... there is another sign!) I then check emails, or socials or any other communication form and I begin to do this like clockwork or like a junkie trying to get a sugar fix. Or I go outside and start diggings in the garden in the heat or tidying up or anything except what would fix it fast and most.
This incessant picking then goes to cleaning or moving stuff around or just doing anything except sitting still or better yet actually laying down. I would literally work myself into mental exhaustion in the fight to avoid doing the easiest thing I could have done to reset my system and that was to have a rest. When I was studying and doing research papers it was even worse. What this pattern does is activate loops in my brain which shut down any chance of creativity or enjoyment and begin to automate my life so that really it just stays the same instead of expanding into what I probably journaled that morning as exactly what I want in life.
For the last few years I’ve been very aware of it and I’m now in strong physical training to do a desert race and that is actually allowing it to come through so I can ‘fix it’ because it all begins with the physical tiredness first. I won’t say fatigue or exhaustion because it’s actually neither of those, it’s just that in a moment after extreme use my body requires a brief pause, which if I don’t give it, then spirals into this behaviour.
Now onto the program - where did it actually come from? And what even is it? Well once I understood what it was at the core and understood the very first sign - I.e. body needs a momentarily rest which means mind has to stop too - I was able to roll the dice around in my mind literally and out spat the answer this morning.
As a child I would do this, not an infant but a child. My mum has told me that many times I would resist going to sleep when that short nap was actually all I ever needed. For me as an adult I thought it was because I hated sleeping, bad shit happened in certain times of my life when I slept (but that just reinforced the false belief - more on that another time) and that it meant I had to start all over again (picture a screaming child or adult dragging themselves to bed mid way through a game or project or puzzle and really not wanting to end it). But this isn’t the real reason either!
And that’s the epiphany I had today.
The real reason behind my fatigue, ego, addiction cycle is purely because as a baby I got programmed to only sleep at certain times because otherwise I’d be up or not sleep later...... how many fucken times have you heard that or said that to yourself? Oh I can’t have a sleep now, I won’t be able to sleep later if I do that. Or what I have heard my mum saying to my little sister with her kids - keep them up a bit longer, don’t let them go to sleep now because they won’t go to bed tonight at their bedtime...... wow..... really true hey? If you are a parent with a baby you are most likely tired and you have a routine that you created based on what was given to you - well done. Now it’s time for you to let yourself relax and to rest when you need it and in turn let the baby or young child rest aswell. This blog isn’t about parenting advice it’s about pattern creation and breaking a habit. It’s also about recognising that our bodies at all ages are marvellous and highly intelligent and actually know what we need or it needs to maintain optimal modes of operation - we just seem to want to fuck with the system.... 🤷🏼♀️🤣🤦🏻♀️
This is how I do it and did it
1 I recognise it through awareness
2 I observe it for a while, reflect on it, take notice of it so I know it’s more than a one off.
3 I understand how it is impacting my life and what I could replace it with that would enhance my life.
4 I seek to understand where it FIRST came from.
5 I thank it, I write about it in a journal or I share it publicly or I just talk about it to whoever I’m with at that moment (normally a close friend with the same issue, maybe a client who might benefit from the learning too or my husband who might be home)
6 and now I replace it with a new healthy habit - which means I journal and I actually keep my body energised by resting when I need to and if it means I’m up at 2am because I slept at 6.30pm then so be it.
Hope this helps someone in their journey to self mastery. If you have a rigid employment structure or life that may inhibit you from doing this then let’s chat because there hacks to this that can be done in break periods.
have a ripper of a day!
Be.