AKA Practice What You Preach.
I'm sitting at work and I don't want to be here. It's not my usual work - I'm working front desk for a colleague. Helps her out when her schedule is busy, helps me out when my schedule isn't. But she runs a pretty tight ship so it's a rather quiet gig. Usually. Hence having the time to do some writing in between hellos and small talk and debit or credit and are you booked in and great we'll see you then and have a nice day.
Oh but I exaggerate, it isn't at all that bland and generic. I get to make connections. I get to interact with fellow human expressions of Spirit. But I'm sitting down. And it's inside. And I don't have a window. All I get are the rays of sunshine that tease me through the door to the big studio, with its large windows and airy yet cozy feel. And reception is not very creative. So I take to self expression. The first few days I was happy and carefree, chatty, being nice to people and doing a good job of it, I felt. Or taking on the tasks that were delegated to me. I threw myself into the joy of my work, even the frequent sanitizing. But that was last week. This week I am wondering what kind of imposter was sitting on that mat today in my Daily Practice preaching about presence, because I am currently willing this time to suddenly be over. 8pm can't come fast enough so I can bust up outta here. I'm dreaming of my cozy home by the lake, lit by the glow of my Christmas lights that are still up in the window. And it's not just the 'boredom' of sitting around. It's the ego. It's the reactions to all of...this. Last week I felt very grateful that while my practice was quiet there was a bit of work that I could do to help keep me going. This week I am judging and criticizing myself for needing to sit at a desk in the first place. And as I sit here I think about all the other things I could be doing instead. Never happy eh? These moments aren't exciting enough, or lucrative enough, or challenging enough, or free enough. They're too constricted. Too scripted. The illusion I've created is that I'm sitting here for someone else, under someone else's direction. But the truth is I've chosen it. I said yes to the task. I could have said no. I could go home right now! I can do whatever I want. I think that is the uncomfortable reminder making me squirm behind the computer screen today. I can do whatever I want and I have chosen to do this.
I would like to choose love and abundance, but I am still struggling with fears. Fears that I'm unable to physically support myself. Fears that I have not diversified my skillset through the years. Fears that my dreams and desires will not be realized. Fears to even have dreams, really. Fear of the work that it takes to get to those dreams. Fear of missing out on life as I sit at my post. Inside. With no windows.
And where did all this fear and disappointment and irritation get me today? Distraction. Messing up a few client's bills. Scheduling confusion. I wasn't at my best today, and that's not a great feeling. I was so resistant to these moments that I created stress and chaos for those around me as well, through my distraction and judgement.
And I do recall my words from this morning. Sink into each moment. Find the juice of them. Stretch them out. Oh God no...please shrink these moments, if you can. I can't take this work much longer. I can't sit behind this desk much longer. I can't take any more smiling faces...nor quiet meditative music with beautiful nature scenes on a high def screen. I can take no more coffee, thick and sweet with honey. No more I say! My agitation is sour-ing these simple pleasures. Today the coffee is nowhere near strong enough to refill me with the joy I feel I'm losing by chaining myself to this desk.
Today is also one of those days where the Daily Practice is just that - a Practice. Oh boy I'm practicing today! Practicing simply accepting these moments with gratitude and humility. It's certainly not one of those days where I'm suddenly filled with the jubilance of all creation, which does sometimes happen. This is more a day of treading water. Of realizing my thoughts and judgements and expectations are threatening to drag me under, and bringing myself back to the present. To the music in my ears, the soothing underwater visuals on the screen, my delicious coffee. Bring it back to my simple work - sanitizing, documenting, organizing. Being present with the people. And acknowledging all the other bits of debris in orbit around my mind. Some are nonsensical and self sabotaging, like wondering if Deluxe will still be open on my way home. Others are pathways into lands filled with potential, like dreams of my foraging, or organizing some mindfulness hikes and workshops once we're open again. Or writing. I have my writing. I am always present with my writing. This in itself is a gateway to connection and presence. The feel of the keyboard under my fingers, or the pen in my hand. Hearing the words flow. Seeing the images they create. I love this medium and hope to create even more with it as this time marches on.
Today was not a 'successful' day, in the material sense. But it sure was a great day for practicing presence. For paying attention to the reactions in the mind. For realizing that no matter how steady and secure the work may be, I prefer to NOT sit behind a desk. Oh what a dance this life thing is! Dream, create, manifest, but don't get too attached to anything. It's all so fleeting. Which I guess is why it's important to be able to sink into these moments. Even the dull and boring and agitating ones you get at work when you can't look out the window. The fruits of your labours are sweetest when experienced fully and without judgement. Peel the bitter reactions away and squeeze all that delicious nectar out of every succulent second.