Another tough one this morning. An overwhelming urge to give up and just stay in bed today. My ego was in full force as I checked my Facebook and found fewer people interacting with my blog, or my video. My work schedule was quiet, and I was "looking forward" (ha!) to another day behind a desk. I was hoping my online yoga class was going to help smooth things out. At the very least I'd get some movement in and see some smiling, familiar faces on the screen. And then I thought about my Daily Practice and I didn't have anything that I wanted to share today. I didn't want to practice at all. I wanted to cozy up in my 'oh woe is me' and wallow like a self absorbed piglet in my emotional muck. And even though I knew this wouldn't make me feel any better it seemed to be all that I had energy for. And as I considered skipping my video practice this morning, I recalled the commitment I had made to myself. I also remember the mindset I chose to hold on to. This was for ME. Certainly likes and shares and feedback and maybe the odd coffee donation on my blog are validating, but the Daily Practice is something I do, or endeavor to do, on a regular basis, regardless of who is watching or listening. So as I was squishing around in my pig pen of resignation and illusory defeat, I thought of a phrase I heard often while I was boxing: Dig Deep. Look for that inner strength that is always there, and pull just a bit more of it out, even when you feel you've got nothing left. It's in there. It always is. And I had made the same promise to myself about my Daily Practice that I had made about my boxing: Keep going. Keep working. Especially on those days where you want to quit. That's the most important time to keep going.
So I got myself ready and decided to head into the studio for my Daily Practice before my 10am class. And simply getting prepared for the practice creates a space to emote and ponder. It's like how I used to feel getting ready for Ceremony, or heading to see my counselor. I'd sort a lot of things out in my head and my heart even before I got there. So by the time I rolled into the studio, I was a little more confident, and ready to practice.
And as I was setting up for my video, a few texts came in. One from a follower who has reached out a few times before. She sent me a picture of a beautiful morning window and a candle on the table, saying "Wi-fi is out but I'm up and practicing with you." Holy heart strings. I almost cried. Then I got another text from a colleague talking about how brave I am being with my blogs and my videos. My post from yesterday resonated with her; trying to work through the mundane aspects of our lives with gratitude instead of judgement and disappointment. Then after my practice, I notice that someone had purchased 3 coffees on my little site! Icing on the metaphysical cake. I was amazed, surprised, and grateful.
But it shouldn't have been a surprise. This morning I chose to let go of my judgements and expectations. I gave up my sadness and despair in favour of staying the course, doing what I have chosen to do, and simply being present with what may come. And what came was validation. Each person complimented and supported me in a different aspect of my work at this moment - my videos, my blog, and then my 'coffees.' Three elements of my creative work that had been weighing on me this morning. It's like the Universe heard my cries of anguish. A divine hand reached down and tapped those people on the shoulder and said "Jess could use what's in your heart right now."
I made the mistake this morning of believing in the grand illusion. This creates nothing but disconnection. When I let go of those worries and stresses and decided to do what I set out to do anyway, when I "let go and let God," the universe supported me and gave me the connection that I needed today, through the words and hearts of people around me. I dug deep, and through my community, I found more strength than I ever imagined. Thank you!