Life is an interesting conundrum that we live or not live. It depends on how you wake up each day. The truth is life is a series of choices and situations that you find yourself in, like what I dealt with lately. The completion of my Master's program will be done in July, getting my life back on track through life coaching, my business coming back, and finally deciding to deal with an issue that has plagued my life--what happened to me as a child. The narrative that I created, the story of my life as I wrote it, not on paper, but in my head. The thing is, we make choices, and life is a series of situations. There really are no problems, and someone wise told me problems do not belong to us, nothing does, and that has really become a reality lately.
Dealing with these issues has always been simplified. I did not deal with the problems. I gave myself outs that allowed me to "get through the day," and do you know what that got me? Nothing, but does that actually matter? Think about it, and lately, I have been allowing my past back into my life. Now it is constructive and conducive to the physics that I create each day. I can take my past and stop for a moment. I can look at all the sides of what my perception was always negative with the reactions of those around me with the idea that being sexually abused as a young kid was wrong. I never realized the other side. That there is my reaction, wanting no one to ever know what happened to me, and the reality that hiding my past was a shock to the people that loved me, and they reacted accordingly.
I can take what people said and see their side, understand it, strip away the identity(s) that came with it, and finally let it go for good. The past can stay there if you detach from it completely. I want to preface this with it is not perfect. I am still learning to come to terms, but consistency is the key, as someone wise tells me often.
Let us be kinder to ourselves and understand that we are not our past.
That is where I am beginning down this road less or even never traveled before, and it is working out to a point, and I have to continue. Admitting something horrible happened to me as a young kid by someone that was supposed to be trustworthy is not me of now. I was mentally, sexually, and physically abused; it is was not my fault, and there is always a chance to let go of that past. I am working on it each day by finding moments throughout my day—the simple things in life. Today right here, James is different than a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, and even ten years ago, change happens when you keep working at it and stripping away that negativity that is controlling and letting that ego know it is not welcome to control your life.
I am not afraid to continue down this path because I am tired of living with the pain of the negative memories that I allowed to control me completely. That is the old me. Life is moving forward.
James Edgar Skye
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