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Behind my mask today - is not a smile

Behind my mask today - is not a smile

Jun 28, 2021

it’s tears, deep sadness, heartbreak and sorrow backed with a heap of questions. I’m hoping I’ll be able to write a sequel to this post sharing how it lifted but for now here goes....

I wanted to start today’s blog with a picture that represented how I felt and also what was happening around me. I believe this one is perfect.

This morning I woke up with a heavy feeling, I just laid in bed thinking what’s the actual point of getting up today? I’ve been struggling for the last 6 weeks to find joy in my days despite how outwardly positive I may seem and the solution has been to exercise really well, drink water infused with orange essential oil and to use citrus oils to uplift my mind and energy and to also help where I am smell nice. I walk around searching for beauty in the eyes of people I meet or in the nature I find. I even got colouring in pencils and a book and coloured or tinkered on motorbike stuff to remind myself how fun the trip home will be, when it actually happens, but today none of it seemed to work. I even pulled out the spearmint oil and deeply inhaled that while sitting with a friend, but alas that too appeared to be short lived. My heart is heavy and my eyes are wet, I bite back tears because I’m missing my babies and I just want to go home. Reading an astrology piece from a lady who presents planetary info really well helped to explain things or define the feeling - it’s tension and pressure - but I’m still confused as to the outcome. The suggestions are to ‘surrender’ to ‘let go of what doesn’t serve you’ to ‘release what doesn’t belong as a part of your future’ - these words don’t make sense to my logical mind? Or should I say literal mind..... if I did that it would mean letting go of the idea that I will ever get to go home or that I will ever see my babies and my husband again in the flesh and even as I write this I’m bawling and my chest is tight and my heart is drowning..... what happens after this? What do I do next? Do I ring my husband and say thanks for the journey, see ya??? Do I close my eyes and say goodbye to my babies who can’t hear me? This makes absolutely no sense to me and to put it plainly, it’s fucked. I can’t just go home for a number of reasons, firstly I’ve got conditions that say I must remain in this state and so far I haven’t been able to get them lifted 🤷🏼‍♀️ And secondly, and probably more so the pressure issue, is that I live in a country where fear and peer pressure are being utilised to continue ‘normal living’ and it doesn’t make any sense to me and I feel like I’m that weird girl at school again who just doesn’t fit in because something just doesn’t ‘feel’ right. Sitting here crying, feeling like I’m the only crazy person who can see the world the way I do, I just don’t know what to do or how to be next.

Humanity isn’t slowing down, instead there is a false sense in those I observe that if they do what they are told, or do the right thing, then they will be granted some aspect of normality.... all the while still running to shops to buy food they can produce themselves or eating toxic takeaway because it’s quicker or what the kids want, working somewhere that physically drains them, paying for things that don’t bring them happiness and living where they don’t actually want to be all to support a societal dream or ideal and to keep the economy running. I want to cry or scream at this whole ideal. I remember listening to the 4 agreements by Miguel Ruiz and totally relating to being stuck in the Naqual (or however it is spelt) - the illusion.... and navigating my way out and shouting out about BRULES as Vishen would call them, yet it appears my friends all fell back to sleep.

15 years ago I left this model mentally, around 6 years ago I began to leave it physically and over 4 years ago I left it all together and have been guiding others to do the same - but am I fighting a loosing battle? How long can I keep the mask up? And how do I help my husband and best friend come with me and where will we live?? So many questions today.

Hilarious really given I don’t even own an ‘issued’ mask (makes me so angry to see them on the ground as litter....), I wonder if my Venetian mask would be adequate to go and pick up a parcel with or do the laundry or check in 🤔 it’s like living in a weird dream where I’m walking upstream from a sea of bodies moving the other way who aren’t even noticing I’m there. Who are being switched off like on Spongebob with the chum buckets stuck over their pineal gland and crown chakra connected to the mother computer and acting out a role that ensures the success of the controller (in this episode it’s Plankton) or holder of the device. Hiding inside the spare bedroom of the unit I’m going to have to sell because the bank wants the mortgage and my mum hasn’t paid any rent and the restriction means my income has all but stopped isn’t the answer, yet today writing this post, facing that fear, trying to not want to leave the planet feels like it is all I can manage.

This isn’t a happy post, I never said it would be, it’s a very real post about how I feel today and I’m typing it to press publish in wondering if one day it may help to remind me what I survived through and maybe help another to not feel so weird.

Yep I’ve got friends, yep I can call whoever or do whatever or smell stuff or meditate or sleep or exercise, but this energy is deep and only someone who has been at this level, below the bottom of the bucket, will understand how I feel.

Big love guys,

See you out the other side.... once again!

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