How are you?
a little sad and tearful; I will miss this time when it’s gone.
right at this second I’m not done.
i need more time to process, to caress and care.
years of self- torture have left their scars. Scars that help other people plenty but they still hurt me.
i’m the sum of all the bits and pieces I’ve been through but when you spend a life time trying to do plenty; you rarely give that ‘plenty’ back to you. Even a little.
sure there are moments of selfishness, bitter, twisted times when you give nothing out but you TAKE a little back.
But 5 mins just for you in a lifetime - is very little to ask for. Isn’t it?
i’m enjoying this time (apart from the obvious). It’s the first calm I’ve ever known; yet my mind is still racing and I wonder what I need to ensure that my mind and body doesn’t run out of fuel.
PAUSE... (to think; just for a moment).
that’s what I, and this world, need to do more often - focus upon the important things not the transient crap:
>>>Purchases = compensation
>>>TV = distractions
>>>Social media = vanity thrills
I will miss this time when it’s gone:
- A Time to think
- A time to breath
- A time to pause
- A time for friends
- A time for family
- A time for my loved ones
i’m scared of losing it.
i was at the edge and now I’m a few steps back from it. I wonder how many people feel the same just standing facing a different ‘edge’.
what has driven so many to the end of their wits, to live on the treadmill, to seek perfection.
it’s ‘mans’ ill.
When everyone can ‘have everything’; somehow we’ve been left with none. This feels like a flight of fancy - but it’s anything but.
I have the germination of an idea. The quiet time has been helpful. THIS WORLD NEEDS A SHAKE UP. I NEEDED A SHAKE UP.
I’ll be better for this time;
Stefan 12/05/2020
--
(some explanation)
I’ve given a lot, over the years, in fear of being called - out.
I’ve a great CV, recommendations and differences made too. But I’m not sure how much of that I did for me. I don’t mean that in a selfish way. I mean, instead, that I did it in the service of others, for others to say thank you.
Not to fill a gap that lay inside me. I’m not really sure that I’ve ever done enough of that; asking what gives me joy, how do I make that happen and what would that mean for me (as well as those around me)?
Instead, I’ve just gone and done ‘stuff’; some impactful stuff, don’t get me wrong. But too often in the hope that it would mean something to others, earn a wage or deliver a salary.
Flex and bend to be the best at whatever a given person wanted me to be. Those who showed me attention.
But - as I reflect- perhaps there are a few times to explore (and to hold onto; what was different?).
- Running my first team – the fearlessness ...
- When I’m on my feet – the options
- In unguarded moments – the raw
--
I’m struck that apart from then and a few times; I’ve been that person, for the appeasement of others, yet - I’ve still managed to hurt people along the way. By not getting, being or asking for what I needed (just sometimes) I ended up breaking them and me anyway.
I’m enjoying working out who the new Stefan is (rather than could be). A mix of the old and the new, new clothes I think, a new hair-do and a new air of calm.
I need to hold onto the fact that it’s my imperfections that make me great not the ‘perfections’. Embrace the release that will mean for me (and those closest to me).
--
When I was 24, I wanted to be the best coach in the world; to help leaders to give their people what they needed to perform; to fight injustice and to help people feel whole. And I’m not sure I am yet – but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m open to it.
When people believe in what they do, who they are, how they do it, where they do it and when - they succeed.
I just need a little more time to pull the outline of the jigsaw together. More time to develop a brave space – not a safe space – for its my bravery that’s always changed my world.
That is why I want more time... and I’m sure there are many people just like me who want and need that too. But it’s hard feeling guilty when stopping feeling guilty is what you want to do.
--
Does that apply to just me or to both me and you?
08:41
(Some capitals have shown their faces).