just minutes ago from starting this new entry post i was on my own downstairs, unwinding after the day full with a pleasant luncheon and tea with my taiwan blood family over lunar new year's eve. when i exited the elevator i noticed the water from the water dispenser was running on its own, a little ominously in the dark (a daily mechanical maintenance, some kind of cleaning detox perhaps). during my smoke outside the building the running had stopped. finished. and i was able to fill up my bottle, the water warm in my throat, soothing and quite different from the cold night drizzle outside. i considered this brief encounter telling or a premonition of something im not yet privy to. some kind of overflowing to come? cleansing? or a reminder of up-keeping.
the elevator of the building im living in for now
i start my february alone, graciously provided by yipeng in his abode in taichung as he spends his lunar new year with his family. i say graciously because i realised my past few months beginning my new life in taiwan (save the 14-day quarantine in september 2021) was lived with people and stimuli constantly around me, demanding my attention whether by choice or otherwise. while living in the shared studio in school thrust me entirely into a new environment to learn trial by fire how to exist in it (the only way i know how), it also meant i had no real physical and emotional separation from my outward and inner life. i remember in january i was mulling over newfound friends and connection paused because of festivities and rethinking my place and loneliness in a foreign community and feeling displaced, even a little lost. now i am appreciating and enjoying the complete privacy to be alone. i had needed this time to reflect.
the year has barely started and i find that i have projects already filling up my time in the to come. almost a thing every month. next week yipeng and i begin to put up our exhibition, all the while my new semester (second) begins. we are also working on a project to do a workshop with university students in kaohsiung, eventually presenting some public art on the beach. it seems like a good thing, to be busy, and have opportunities that i am interested in, or to have a platform to present my own work and ideas. it is almost like my body (and mind heart soul etc) knows and has found itself in a space both physical and emotional that is conducive for rest, a chamber to re-centre myself, a brief reprieve before i start going again. maybe its because im in a country that follows the lunar calendar that i find myself following the wider societal emotional currents of deep cleaning deep reflection of the past year, summarising ourselves and presenting ourselves to our family and friends, readying ourselves for a new year.
the beautiful beach at kaohsiung that i encountered with friends
it does feel like its a significant moment in history what with covid stabilising into a common flu after two years. then it also feels significant for me personally now. i am reaping the benefits and work (or non-work) from almost exactly two years ago when i decided to move here. where i am now is its consequence. the help and care from people i have met then, here, now. also in january i had two separate online meetings for two separate projects both of which had someone recognise me from my time doing my residency at islands from july 2020. so it feels very significant and even right that i am here now in this moment in my life and i know no other way. and even though i write this there is that slight nagging small questioning doubt thats asking what if this is not significant, what if all that im feeling and intuiting isnt necessarily "right" and the results of the decisions ive made are just what the chaos of the world has thrown at me? the entropy? what if im making it all up? maybe it doesnt matter? i dont quite know certainly. but i can guess that we all need our own illusions motivations truths to carry on anyway. it must be good to want to carry on anyway.
it is my third day here and i have already had such a journey. already in the past week i came to a few important insights through communicating with people i trusted and through timely information either through surfing youtube or through some wikipedia dive. a deep understanding about why i push people away or why i want to give of myself, realising the recurrent troubles and relationships that i have, why i do what i do. i feel that i am being tested. on how i know myself, what i know of myself, how i think i want my relationships to be, what kind of connections i want, how i want to connect to others near and far and what i want my work to be about, what is my work about, etc, what i want my creative output to be like/ my "career" as an "artist" whatever the fuck that is. my own sexuality and gender performance. my metaphysics. my philosophies. my beliefs. rethinking my relationship with astrology. my spirit with all. and more importantly the work that im to do in my given temporal lifetime and its lot. very big uneasy questions/questioning. its like all ive learnt in the past early 20s (all the examination and organisation of my reflection of my earlier life) im now having to reexamine check confirm if thats really me and what i want. of course i change and people change and i want to allow that change however difficult uncomfortable it may be but now here it is what i am. there is still so much for me to learn about myself and the world. and so much to tinker and relearn. perhaps its the saturn return. perhaps im just getting older. perhaps im still growing. or at least im still growing. thank you for witnessing it all.
a quote printed on a shirt in carrefour that i saw weeks ago and still think about
在開始寫這篇文字的幾分鐘前，和台灣的血親家人度過了充實和輕鬆的除夕下午後，我自己在樓下沈默了一下。我出電梯時發現水一直自己從飲水機流著，在黑暗裡有點預示（每日機械的維修，可能是一種排毒）。在大樓外抽完菸那水就停了。結束了。而我又能用飲水機了，溫溫的水在喉嚨裡跟外面寒冷的夜晚反差。這個短暫的相遇感覺是一種未知未來什麼的預感。一種即將的橫溢？排毒？維修的提醒。
目前住著的電梯大樓
我自己進入這個二月，奕芃因過年回家拜年而好心讓我住在他台中的房間。好心因為我擦覺到了我這幾個月來到台灣開始我的新生活時，周邊是充滿了別人和其他刺激（除了九月時的14天隔離）不斷地要求我的關注。雖然住在學校的共用工作室讓我實習怎麼在新環境生存（這是我唯一知道的方式），這麼做也造成了我本身沒有肢體和心靈上的對外和對內的區分。我還記得一月時琢磨著新朋友新關係因為節慶的暫時暫停而讓我感受到孤獨掙扎著我在陌生環境的角色地位和迷失。我目前很感激和享受有一個完全隱私的空間。我還正需要這段時間思考反思。
新的一年才剛開始我就已經排了很多新計畫。幾乎一個月一個。下週我就要和奕芃一起開始布展，和迎接新的學期。我們也正在準備一個跟在高雄的大學生的計畫--工作坊和在海灘上的公共藝術案。能忙起來，有有興趣的機會，有平台展現我的想法和作法是好事吧。我的身體（精神內心靈魂等）好像知道所以自己找到了可以好好休息的地方，一個可以找回中心的房間，一個小休息站，準備一下再出發。會想到這些和反省中也應該是因為我在一個跟隨農曆年的國家，社會環境的步調和節奏就跟著它，我被影響必須一起整理自己，一起表現自己給家人朋友，檢討過去的一年，準備即將新的一年。
和朋友在高雄的海邊
這兩年後疫情開始穩定下來成為一種感冒時的確感覺起來是一個在歷史上重大的時刻。對我本身來說也重大。感覺現在還在收拾收到兩年前來到台灣開始了的關係和努力了的（或沒做的）事件。我的現在是當時換來的後果，也是因為那時候遇到的貴人。還有在一月時我參加了兩個不同計畫的線上會議，那兩個會議裡都再次遇到了因為2020在群島遇到的人。所以真的感覺現在是很重大的時刻，也很「對」。雖然這麼寫但我腦海裡還是有那小小的懷疑在問如果這現在其實不重要，而我感受到的或我的直覺不一定是「對」的，有可能當初的決定現在的後果是世界生活中的混沌往我丟的？熵？或許這都是我一廂情願的？或許這些都不重要？我不太明確。但我能猜測到我們每一個人都需要自己的幻覺，動力，真理才能繼續下去。想要繼續下去就應該是好的。吧
這才是我在這裡的第三天就已盡有了這種旅程。上週我就從跟其他人互動從滑手機時抓到了不少重要的心得和靈感。一個深刻的理解對於為什麼把別人推開或為什麼要「給」，發覺到一直在我生命裡重複的問題，我跟別人的的感情，我所做的來源。我感覺我正在被考驗。考我怎麼認識自己，我多了解自己，我怎麼想像我要跟別人的感情，我要的聯繫，我要怎麼跟接近的和遠方的聯繫，和我想要做什麼，我想要我做的有包含什麼，等等，我想要當的「藝術家」，我的「事業」《那些誰他媽知道什麼操的。我的性取向和性別角色性別表現。我的則學形上。我的信仰。檢討我自己跟星座的關係。我的靈魂跟所有的關係。而更重要的是我被派來人世要做的，的原因，我要怎麼使用和分享我所擁有的。這些很大很不舒服的疑問。就像我在我二十初學到的（所有的觀察和整理之前的內心）我現在必須確認驗證那些到底是不是我是不是我要的。當然我會變人都會變而我想讓那個變發生即便它有多難有多不舒服。我還有很多對於自己和世界要學的東西。很多需要修正，再學。或許是土星回歸。或許我正在變老。或許我還真在成長。應該說至少我還在成長。感謝你見證這一切。
幾週前在家樂福看到的一件衣服。我還正想著這些文字