Yesterday was interesting, annoying, frustrating... All of the above. It's not just yesterday though. This is normal with FND, unfortunately. These are things I have to learn with.
Anyways, so yesterday I woke up. I was exhausted because I had to leave the house by 9 after not going to sleep until 2.. your girl needs like 10-12 hours of sleep these days.. Well, I woke up around 7:30 and laid in bed for a good 30 minutes before I forced myself to get up. My body has been hurting every single day. I got up, got dressed, took my meds, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got my backpack ready, and then was wheeling towards the door to leave and all of the sudden, my left hand decided it just didn't want to work anymore. All I had to say was "wtf?!"
This is how both hands were from September-December 2021. I can't express how angry I was. I had a skirt on and then all of the sudden I couldn't wheel myself, I couldn't do my transfers.. like why am I backtracking? That's because this is how every single day is with FND. On top of a seized hand, it was killing me with pain. When my hands were seized September-December or after my seizures, I had no feeling.. but yesterday was completely awful. I convinced myself my hand was dying..
FND decides to throw different symptoms at me and other warriors all the time. Some days my hands seize, some days I have seizures with no known trigger, some days my migraines are out of control, or my fibromyalgia hits hard, or I get dizzy and fall out of my chair, or my body starts randomly shaking, or my vision goes blurry, or my speech doesn't work...FND is not just paralysis. My paralysis is a huge part of my Functional Neurological Symptoms but I have a great big list of others too.
It seems humanly impossible to find what causes each symptom. I literally was talking and laughing with my mom when all of the sudden my hand just decided it didn't want to work. I can't explain how frustrating that is. I wouldn't have made it to my appointment yesterday, without my mom. I mean, I couldn't make it to any of my appointments without my parents. They are the BEST. Btw.
Some days I'm like "Okay, this is doable. I can accept this." Other days it's the complete opposite. My body is completely indecisive. It's really annoying.. in the proper terms there is a big misfire between my brain and my body. I'm convinced it hates me.
FND is strange. FND can't make up it's mind. But, FND is my forever pal and eventually I'll get used to the constant ups and downs.. so I think.
With love always, Aspen Sage